Sometimes I'm not even sure why I bother. Lately I've been excited (and trust me, that's not a word that I can use very often to describe myself) to attempt to pursue a new adventure to become a paramedic/firemedic. I knew it would be a wicked challenge, but it would be a worthwhile one as well. It'd give me a new purpose in life, which I desperately need...

Flash forward to reality, where I wrestle with issues that aren't fair and that few people know about and that fewer could even fathom. My left eye is bleeding again from retinopathy. It hasn't done this in over a year, yet now when I've decided on something to do with my life the damn thing starts bleeding again. I've done everything right! My blood sugars haven't been out of whack, I check numerous times a day, and I take insulin when I need to. Why does this have to happen now? It's flung me back into the darkness of depression and despair, which I worked so hard to climb out of so I could at least find the courage to seek information about the career I want to pursue. This isn't fair! Why this, why now, why me? I hate to sound like a spoiled brat and a downer, but this pattern of hope and then crushing defeat is just too much. It now seems that I'm never going to be anything, just like I've always feared. If I go blind or if this can't be fixed to the point where I can keep pursuing my goal then I feel like I have no choice but to kill myself. All of this (plus the other things I deal with in my waste of a life) is too much, it's too heavy. And whenever I crawl out from under some of the weight something else comes crashing down. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm strong, but everyone has their breaking point. My mettle is so cracked and warped, yet still holds, that I don't know how big or small the next disaster might be that will crumble it to rubble.

Everything is going to be OK. You've made lots of progress and you can get there. You're right it's not fair! But keep going - we're counting on you!! It's normal that you feel down, I'm so sorry.

Are they going to do laser treatment to stop the hemorrhage? My complication is nephropathy rather than retinopathy, but I'm sure I'll get there in time. Just got that news this week, so I can relate to the dark place you're in. Give yourself some time, let the tears and anger come out, and give yourself a break. This is a big deal, and you can't be expected to just suck it up right away. Get on this forum as often as you need to, because it will make you feel less alone. Does the retinopathy prevent you from becoming an ENT? Maybe there are other medical areas that would interest you. Try meeting with the HR department at a local hospital for an informational interview to see what positions you might qualify for. I planned to go into the Air Force until I was dx at 16, so my plans changed but I've had a rewarding career in marketing and at a university. There is something you're good at where you would be valued, no matter what your retinas look like. Hang in there and post again to let us know how you're holding up!

I went to the ophthalmologist today and he wasn't too concerned about the bleeding. He said that I've got options for it, and that it's not going to necessarily affect my career at this point. I've had a little bleeding and laser treatment before, and he said that overall my eyes still looked good (considering). My vision isn't all that bad, even with the bleeding. So a bit of relief and hope there. I go back in about a month for a recheck, and at that time I can decide whether or not to go see the retinal specialist that zapped the hell out of my eye (and several proximal nerves) last time, or have some sort of shot in my eye that will do, I dunno, something? Anyway, that's how it's going so far.

Thanks for the update and keep in touch!