All Alone And Drowning

To start off I will give a little background information. I come from a hearing family, my mom, dad, brothers, and one sister are all hearing. My twin sister and I are the only deaf ones in the family. I am not the oldest child or the youngest, I am in the middle but I am the one that everyone turns to for help. Despite my own health I put that of my family first. Because of this I would think that at the time that I am in need of some support and encouragement they would be there, but they were not in a way.

I feel like a bomb was droped on me and it shook me to my core. I have alway been deaf in my left ear and hard of hearing in my right ear, but now I am totally deaf. To get a cochlear implant or not, to be "hearing" or not. I feel as if I am being pulled in two directions. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and frustrated and stressed out. None of this is any good for my diabetes (it makes me go low) or my other health conditions.

So down that taking care of my health especially my diabetes is the last thing that I want to do. I did not even go to work to day because that would have required me to test my bg because I have to drive for work so I did not work today.

Sinking, drowning all alone. Wanting to disappear. I just want to disappear.

As I am typing now I feel a low coming on (and I am home all alone) I know I should treat it, but I can't seem to do it. I know I need to but something is keeping me from doing it.

Wanting to disappear...I will not be missed.

Miss I cannot imagine the hurt and pain you’re feeling, but I must say you’re NOT alone! As your family turns to you for love and support, so can you turn to us, your “diabetes family”, for love and support!
I hope that you treated your low too. I urge you to get some help with your diabetes management, so that you can work on the other items in your life w/o the extra weight on your shoulders.
Missy please don’t disappear!

Oh Honey, I am so sorry that you feel so alone. But you aren’t we are here and like Bradford says we will try to be your diabetes family :0)
You have such alot of stress with the decisions about your hearing to make, I don’t know how to help but all I can suggest is write yourself a list of the pro’s and con’s of a cochlear implant. How you feel about it, how you think it might help/effect you, everything you think of, no matter how small and then weigh it all up. Maybe just by getting it down on paper and out of your head it might help with the stress, and in turn help with your diabetes?
Is there a support service/mentor/counsellors anything near you where you could talk to someone about how down you are feeling. You sound so terribly depressed, I wish I could come look after you.
((((don’t disappear, you would be missed hon))))

Missy… I am so thankful, for you. Every day that I have your friendship and that I read of your accomplishments, I thank God that you are my friend. Every time you listen to me, the things I have to share or my frustrations, or give me kudos for my successes… I thank God that you are here. You are, to me, in fact… one of the most caring, listening persons there are. Deafness or not, how we listen is not with our ears. It’s with our hearts, and souls… and you do such an amazing job, every day. I am sorry I can’t physically be there, for you, to help you… Our families often take us for granted because, well… it’s hard to separate how we know someone childhood and family experience from knowing someone for the loving, caring adult that they really are… To my family, well… they don’t even respect that I’m an adult, at all, or acknowledge me when I talk. It’s like I’m still 5 in so many ways, and when I need their help – to them, it’s like I’m admitting that I’m 5 yrs old, and need help. Not that I’m an adult who needs support. Family dynamics are so difficult sometimes. As hard and challenging as it is, I would urge you not to focus on them and their biases. Try to focus on those of us who love and appreciate you, and are thankful for everything you are, and all you bring to the table… If I can help in any way I can, please let me know. :slight_smile: Even just talking helps, sometimes… because then we feel acknowledged for our grief and troubles.

If you disappeared, you WOULD be missed!!! I’m so grateful to have you as one of my D-OC friends, I enjoy chatting with you on Twitter and I wish you could know that you are not alone! I’m sorry things are so rough. I wish I could give you a big hug in person but I’m sending a huge virtual {{{{HUG}}}} to you, along with all of the supportive thoughts and positive energies I can muster!

Missy, you matter. More importantly, you are not alone. First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself. You can’t put your family first if you are unwell. It can be hard to stay motivated when you are depressed. I’ve been there, too. You seem to be a little ambivalent about the implant. I’ve known deaf folk who have declined the implant. What do you want to do about it? Without anyone pressuring you, when you are alone and thinking about it in the quiet, how do you feel about it? When you are blue and having a low, it can be really terrifying. I had some lows that left me with PTSD. Is there anyone outside of your family that you feel you can talk to and just vent? Can your endo hook you up with a good therapist? Disappearing isn’t the answer. From what I can see, taking yourself out of the picture would bring sadness and loss to way too many folks. Things will get better. Your head is spinning and you’re unsure about what to do next. You may not realize it, but you are stronger than you think. You manage your diabetes. Let’s face it, it’s a job of work. Is there anyone here that you are close to that you might want to call and talk to when you’re feeling overwhelmed? Diabetics and the people who love and care for them are a special kind of family. Because of diabetes, we have become a tribe in effect. You are not alone in this and you can turn to this community. What else are we good for? Be well, Missy, and don’t do anything permanent to solve what may very well be a temporary situation.

Hi Missy

hugs hugs hugs

How hard it must be to be in the middle like that. I can’t relate to that but as you know I can relate to your D and your hearing problems. I have lost half of my hearing in both ears so I know what it is like to be challenged in that area. The cochlear implant thing which I have seen several documentaries and read articles about looks scarey too me (the procedure I mean) but for some people it change their lives. I know there is this whole debate in the deaf community about it - some are against it because they feel there is nothing wrong with wanting to stay deaf etc - which is a good arguement. I guess it is up to you - do you want to hear? Sounds like you were able to hear at one time in one ear. Do you miss it? For me, if I ever went totally deaf, it if made my life easier I would probably do it. Although on the flip side I like leaving out my hearing aids because sometimes I don’t want to hear all the extra noise - it is an excellent way to get some quiet time. But being challenged in that way - it can create barriers in your life such as type of jobs you can’t get or do, certain things you can’t participate it (at least not fully). It is a big decision for you. Are you able to get it done? I thought you didn’t have any insurance.

Do you belong to any of the deaf groups in the city? Maybe it is best for you to talk to someone who was previously deaf but had it done. Also look into the complications. When I get all bogged down because I can’t make a decision (and I can be very indecisive about some things!), I start to get depressed. The pressure of making the decision can drive you crazy. Don’t let it. There is no rush. Do your research. Make out your pros and cons list to the implant and take your time to make your decision. Take care of your D and your other problems while you sort it out.

And yes you will be missed if you go…I am glad you are here. Really. And won’t John miss you? I wish I could find a guy that seems to be as supportive as he is. He even joined this forum to help you out! :slight_smile: So don’t forget all the good things you have. You had that 90 BG yesterday and you should be happy about that.

Families can be a pain sometimes - don’t let it get to you. Take your time to make your decision and I know you will make the right one. We are all here to give you advice and to listen. :slight_smile:

Missy please know that we’re all pulling for you. I can’t start to relate to anything you’ve got going on just th D. I’m the only child and can hear. We’re all inbehind you whatever you decide.

Missy I am sending xoxoxo your way until I can get to you.

I understand the pain of being the one that is the supporter of the family and when you are the one that is in need of the support and encouragement your family is not there for you. I know it may seem that I don’t have anything to say to you now or that I do not want to talk to you anymore, but that is not true. I have seen how your family and your deaf friends are all pulling you in different ways, I did not want you to think or feel that I was in any way trying to pressure to go one way or the other.

It’s your life and your choice. You make it.I will be here with you all the way no matter what you choose.

Do Not Disappear from me for I will miss you deeply. I lost one love that I can never get back. I don’t think loosing another would be good for my mind or heart. So please stay with me don’t disappear.

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John

I have taken care of my low from this morning. But I must say my D-Family here has given me more support in one day than my family has in the last month and a half. It just goes to show who you can count on when you are in need, no matter the time or day.

Still have the feeling that the walls around me are falling in on me and that if I just disappear I will be safe from it all. But with all the support and cyber hugs from my family here I think I will make it thru today. Tomorrow, well that is another day.

Hello Missy,
As i am new to this forum and community I was deeply touched by your post. I cannot imagine wht you are going through with out hearing and all the other problems you have faced. One thing I can understand is fighting diabetes and family. My family can be really cold and not realize it. Al I can tell you is my family just watched my father die from this disease he was in the hospital for 7 months before he finally lost. He never gave up and fought to the last breath. You would think that the family would have a little better insight into what diabetes can do and how people react. They saw him almost everyday and still it has not registered. Try to understand that most people even family can be in there own world and sometimes they never get out of it. Just understand that the friends you have here obviously care and never think that you are alone and no one cares, because the people here obviously do and would be willing to do almost anything to help you. Sometimes asking is enough. Hell your from the Windy city one of the greatest places to live, you have a lot of life to enjoy. Always remember you are important to someone, sometimes it is hard to see the trees from the forest. John

Honey, awful to feel alone like this. Not surprised to learn that you’re the one people turn to. Not fair & not right, but they’ve become used to you not needing help & being the strong one.

Have you asked for their support with what you’re going through? Know that’s not easy at all. We assume the people close to us should know when we’re drowning & be there, but we have to tell them. Took me a long time & a lot of pain to realize this.

You will be very missed!

Sending many hugs your way.

I feel like a caged animal at the zoo. John called Bobby over to stay with me until he gets home. He just looks and ask where are you going, what you doing if I get up or move or go to another room. I want to break out be free go for a run to be alone with my thoughts to think about things. But my body will not work with me. BG now is 77 not a good time to run.

Even I read comments all answer all not yet. I place accept can not yet. But your words I keep dear.

Fair not. Person strong need support can strong continue can.

Your John is a good man. Sorry you feel caged & observed. My husband does that when I’m low & it drives me up the wall. Feel like I’m under a microscope. Know he does it because he’s worried, but it makes me feel like less of a person & more of a condition.

No baby, it’s not fair. Strong people need the same as anyone else.

Nope, no running at 77. Good plan. Run in your mind.

I hate this disease it is always with me I can’t get rid of it. I think I will skate longer than 2hrs I will skate until I pass out. Then I will not feel this pain at least for a little while.

Missy…I hear you, I feel you. I so totally understand the desire to disappear, and that I wouldn’t be missed. I’ve even prayed for GOD to just take me - I can get pretty low myself. It is what led me to therapy, and how to get some boundries for myself, and the energy to take care of my health issues. I’m not at my goal yet, and I still want to help everyone else before my own needs are met, but I work diligently at it. I am not the middle child, but have always been “the go to person”, and when I hit a low point in my life - which began with lost my job, my partner, my house, and my dog died…then I was diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease, depression, and anxiety disorder!!! Yikes I was so overwhelmed - and it can sneak up on me today. I really felt like those that I had always “been” available to when they needed emotional support let me down…didn’t take care of me in the same way that I took care of them…it is a tough place to be…but I encourage you to find the things in life that give you a reason to get up, take care of yourself FIRST! I know it smacks against all that we were trained to be - whether that is our place in the familial line up or being woman…who knows…doesn’t matter…I deplor you to find things about your self and life in general to make you want to stay alive…to get that “light” inside of you to burn brighter again. Hearing impaired or not…you have a great sense of expression…do you dance? paint? What brings happiness to you?