This was originally posted to my blog, Diabetes Odyssey.
Now that I have had the time to let it all thoroughly sink in, I find myself riddled with anxiety. Things have been going so well the past few weeks. Really well… Too well.
So I think it all over…
The battery in my scale died. It died just after I weighed myself last week and it said I had lost 9lbs. What if it was wrong? What if the low battery was making it read wrong?
I got a new battery and today, a week later, I weighed myself. I only lost 2 lbs this week…
Yes, I have lost a good amount of weight. It is evident in my face, arms, and legs. It is evident in how my clothing fits a little better. But what if I haven’t lost as much as I thought this month?
I know that doesn’t matter, but, you see, it plants seeds of doubt in me. It causes my anxiety to rage. I slip from wondering if I’ve really been doing as well as I thought to wondering if I’m adjusting (in a bad way) to the new thyroid medication that has made this all possible and am going to end up right back in the thick of insulin resistance and weight-gain and not be able to lose no matter how hard I try and how perfect I am with eating and exercise.
Not having control over your own body is just as bad as it sounds. Trying with all you have and getting opposite results is just as bad as it sounds. Looking at yourself in the mirror and not seeing you, the real you, is just as bad as it sounds.
I can’t go back there. I just can’t. I will kill myself if I end up back there. No joke, I will.
I really have been doing very well, no matter how much I have lost, a lot or a little, doesn’t matter. That I’ve lost weight is what matters. I am no longer stuck in constant weight-gain. I am losing.
But what if it stops again? What if I start gaining against all my efforts to lose? What if I end up back in that pit of hell? What if the thyroid medication stops working? There’s nothing else I can turn to now to make it all work right again if this medication stops working.
I’m terrified it will stop working.
I’ve had plenty of experiences in the past of medications working for a bit and then my body adjusts to them and they stop working all together. I’m frightened this will happen with the Armour.
But in the past all those failed medications were synthetics, not natural medications. Does that make a difference?
I know, I know, the anxiety is keeping me from thinking totally rationally. And it’s causing me to overthink things that don’t really matter.
Don’t worry about me. This is just my anxiety talking, I’m just letting it out on this page.
I’m not going to give up. I just worry that it’ll all be ripped away. I’m not allowed to succeed. I’m not allowed to be happy with myself.
Don’t worry. I’m holding on to this good that I have right now. I’m working with it to keep it going.
I’m just worried…