Another Surreal Experience

I just filled my first prescriptions for my insulin pens and it was so surreal. Up until now, they kept graciously giving me sample pens leading me to believe maybe I won’t need to take insulin forever. I can talk myself into anything, but this really made sense to me. My test strips and needles are mail order so that was just a phone call. They verified the prescription with the doc’s office. Apparently the lack of prescrip. was just an oversight they corrected at my last appointment. So I left with these two small white pieces of paper from a prescription pad with writing. I’m not sure why, but I held on to them as long as I could before getting them filled. I mean it’s just a pieces of paper what could possibly be so scary? I still don’t feel like I have diabetes. If you ask, I would say no because yes feels like a lie. So after handing the pharmacist the precriptions, I got all nervous, looking around as if the police were going to come and arrest me for faking a drug order. I felt like people were looking at me as if they knew. It was so wierd and irrational. I mean I’ve never felt so exposed by just getting drug prescription filled.

I stared at the cold bag containing two boxes of 5 pens all the way home. It had the standard medical “need to know” drug info on one side. The “Diabetic Food Pyramid” with healthy eating suggestions on the other, along with a coupon for a free meter. I read the drug info over and over, getting stuck on phrases like “your diabetes” and “for diabetics”. I kept thinking, how do they know someone “has diabetes”. Surely there are people that take insulin that aren’t diabetic!?! Foolish, foolish girl, another part of me thinks, like I’m separated into 2 people. Me and then this person who shoots up and checks BG numbers. I tell myself, “It’s only temporary 'til my pancreas reboots or comes back from it’s strike.” When I think about my diabetes, I feel like a fraud. And really, who would want to masquerade as a person with diabetes. Its just silly, but it feels like it’s all some surreal dream I haven’t woken up from yet.

Now the boxes are hidden in the back of the refridgerator, with what seems like an infinite number a refills till next year. That should feel like a comfort to me, but it doesn’t. I will say, that I am very greatful for my insurance.

I think this is a NORMAL reaction! I think most people go through the stages of grief when they learn that they have a chronic disease. I still am in shock myself. But hang in there!