Behind the fog.....a life

Tonight I write within my deepest thoughts, words only can subscribe the meaning of how fragile I really am. My fragilness is all based on the past and the future I hold on to so dear to make a better life. Not really knowing that I’m living a life right now, and it’s not just the future to wait on but to live at this moment.

This diabetes has made me make decisions sometimes I ask why. Why didn’t I just take off and explore another town or region for that matter. Why couldn’t I leave and live an adventure so long waiting for? I let someone so dear to me…go…for the sake of my family and my husband (acturally my fiance). Knowing if I left, I wouldn’t have the health insurance I have now to care for my diabetes and I wouldn’t have the income I have now.

The grandson, that calls me…mommy who has kidney failure. Now he’s 4 and a half. His birthday is Xmas Eve, a big celebration every year we make for him. Not knowing when his last will be. I hold on to hope and faith for this little boy, that is why I’m so fragile. I never want to experience what I’m going to be going thru when it comes time for him to have a transplant. My world will never be the same. I feel it very deeply, and it brings me to tears all the time.

I believe, I was chosen to care for this little boy. When he was 7 weeks old, his mother left him in the hospital to die. One that I will never be able to forgive fully. This small little baby who was so fragile like me, needed me. A year and 2 months later, I found out I was diabetic.

I had questioned myself, ‘how could I care for this baby being sick myself?’…that was more than three years ago. Him and I are still here, together fighting. Even my Jboy has diabetes, he was diagnoised 6 months after me. So now the three of us are together fighting for the life we crave to live for.

I had a chance to leave everything behind when something terrible happened. But I had to analized what would happen if I left. My kids and grandkids would of been homeless. Their world would seem useless without their mother guilding them. They probly would make decisions that would not be in their favor later, like if I was to go and my oldest daughter had no where to go she probly would make a decision to live with her daughter’s father who has in the past beaten her up.

I know she is strong but every young female needs that guideness from the mother or father or both. I had no one to guide me when growing up, there were times that I shouldn’t be alive but like my brother tells me…there’s a reason why I’m still alive.

I’m the core of the family, and there are times I wish I could get away and go to the heart of my life. But to do that would devastate and tear the family apart. I was having a hard time dealing with this, till one day I had to acturally sit down and imagine what it would be like for me not to be here anymore.

It wasn’t pretty. But I acturally got to see what I do have. A family, and not one family in this world is perfect and I had to see that. I had to see past the fog and blurryness. That fog is my diabetes. Trying to make me give up. Trying to make me lose such a great family I already have.

My children may never see the sacrifice I made, I won’t ever discuss it. But my Jboy and I are stronger, so when we do our vows it’s going to very special. Because everyone around will feel the love, the hurt, the pain, and the joy that we endure to get to this point.

Diabetes play a role for me to stay and teach me what I do have. When I send smiles and sunshine down a diabetic’s way, I true-ly want them to see that there is a better way and to erase that fog and blurryness out of their way so that they can see clearly.

It took me some time till a friend got me to read a book that was called ‘The four agreements’. I had to carve my life a bit and to see for what I do have and how hard I had worked to get there. To love myself and to be happy. I can’t change my diabetes being in me, but I can make my life more happier and appreciative. I can finally forgive my mother, I’ve always been there for her but had these abandonment issues with her. That’s gone now, just want to live on without those extra baggages. My father, I can’t help him…he did alot of damage only God can help him. As long as he’s in prison, he can’t hurt us anymore. I have forgiven him but not fully. It will take time, one day.

Now, I get eager in the morning when I get out of work to go home to my husband (jboy). My eagerness is my family now. I’m not dwelling on ‘what if’ it’s more like ’ okay, what is the next thing to do with my family and tudiabetes. ’

My feelings are true tonight. I know I can write my deepest thoughts here to my family of tudiabetes. I know we all learn something everyday from this site. It has made me stronger in my beliefs and a better person to care for my diabetes. Diabetes has stopped me from making a mistake even thou I would of been happy but my thoughts would always be with my family and I don’t think I could of gone thru that torture. I’m glad to be here to open my eyes of what I have. I’m grateful for what I didn’t do and for what I have. Not to give up.

Being able to see the future with my family is great. Being here is great. Being alive with my grandson and my Jboy is great. Being with you guys is great.

Your family is very lucky to have a figure as strong as you in their lives, Patti

Patti, You and I … are minds are alike. We sometimes just feel tired of fighting but you and I know that what we have with our family is so worth fighting for. We are strong people or we wouldn’t do the jobs we do. Its just sometimes we hit rock bottom and feel like giving up or not trying. But you are right. You can come here and say anything cuz you know someone will always listen. Someone will always care. I will always be here if you need someone to talk to. I realized while I was on vacation last week and offline most of the time, how all these people here really are important to me and I missed you all. … except Christina cuz while I visited my brother in Ohio I got to meet her and it was special. Hang in there Patti … we all care.

Just had to put these feelings down. It kept nagging at me, and while I wrote…I actually saw it in words that were facing me straight in the eyes. The words kept saying ’ now what ’ and I was like I’m done feeling sorry for myself making that decision to stay.

The life I was aiming for was go to college at another town and be with this other person who had never hurt me. The only thing was he only wanted me there. I couldn’t do that, I had went to counseling to find out why I was building this wall on Jboy and not loving him fully. The counselor never helped.

I had to find answers on my own. I had to rebuild my life and while I was doing it, I would analize what was around me and had to know in my heart why I wanted to leave.

I’m happy to say that I tored the wall down, and all the love for Jboy was still there just waiting to exhale again. We will be getting married sometime next year. A huge wedding it will be. I can say now that ’ I love him ’ that was impossible a year ago.