Chh-chhh-chhh-Changes!

I know for me I have never been good at changing to new treatments when it comes to my diabetes. I don’t know what that is all about but I got to thinking about it today when I got frustrated with my equipment. It got me thinking about how hard change is…

Here is what I mean. My family tried to get me to get a pump since the late 80s and I refused. It took me years after Humalog came out to switch from R to Humalog. I refused to go to go from 2 shots a day to true MDI after I went on Humalog. Don’t even talk to me about trying the new long lasting insulins like Lantus, there was no way I would consider that. Switch from exchanges to carb counting, not gonna happen! Then I got sick and I thought I was having diabetic complications. This is it I thought, diabetes finally has caught up with me and is going to kill me. I was 34 and I was facing my own death from not taking care of myself. So I got an endo who realized how off the path I was and how resistant to change I was. So she met me were I was at and didn’t try to force me to change insulins, carb count, or do MDI. She didn’t even bring up the idea of a pump. She waited patiently for me to be ready for change.

So what was stopping me from trying different ways of taking care of my diabetes? Why was I so resistant to change? Was it fear of the unknown? Was it pure stubbornness? Was it just that I don’t like change like most people? Maybe change is just too hard? Was it fear of failure? One thing I do remember my first endo telling me was that once you figure out what works, don’t change anything. It was 1988 when I was told this. Definitely not good advice when I look back but what he said had an impact on my poor 13 year old brain.

So what changes have happened for me over the past year and a half? Well, I started carb counting and got on an Animas pump. I started testing 12+ times a day. I just started a DexCom CGMS in the last month. I totally changed my diet from a fried, high carb nightmare to a low fat moderate carb diet. So what motivated me to change? And not just small changes, but radical changes? Looking at it now maybe it was the fear of dying. I was willing to try anything to feel better and not die now. Then I realized I wanted to finally be in control of my diabetes and not have it control me like it always had in the past. This motivated me to change.

So as I sat here this morning frustrated with my DexCom not working right as I prepared to go to the gym, the old me started screaming in my head, “you should have stayed the way you were, you never went low then!” Of course I never went low back when I was on shots, my average blood sugar was in the high 200s! I was so tempted to throw the DexCom against the wall, just like I felt like throwing my pump away the first month I was on it. Then I went low (again) because I get nervous with the idea of changing my basal settings on the pump. So even though I have weeks worth of data that shows me I need to reduce my basal in the AM, I didn’t make the change. I even ran basal tests so I knew I needed to reduce the basal! I just kept going low and having to treat the low every morning at the same time. So I sit at my desk this morning, upset and frustrated. I had to breathe and remind myself, change is good. Change is what has given you your life and health back. Breathe young grasshopper! So I changed my basal and I restarted the DexCom sensor, breathe in, breathe out…

Making changes in my D care freaks me out. Can anyone relate? Thanks for letting me vent, I feel much better now :slight_smile:

sigh I can relate! haha! my family pushed the pump on me in my teens, in canada they are free if you are under the age of 18… but i was too stubborn and vain at the time to ever consider this foreign “attachment” haha. Now that i’m not a kid anymore and am passionate to take care of myself i’ve finally gotten my pump, love it to death… but sadly no longer covered under insurance, and gotta pay every penny out of my pocket.
Its one of those times for sure that I want to kick myself for, and my mothers haunting voice replaying over in my head "I TOLD YOU SO JILL!!"
if only I knew then what I know now
haha :stuck_out_tongue:

Jill, I totally get you on the paying for the pump thing! It would have been free for me too because my dad was in the Army. I had till I was 22 to say yes and I never did. So I payed a huge deductible to get my pump. I am just glad I gave it a chance, it was the best thing I could have done for my D care.

I think you are right Arielle, going on the pump definitely made me more open to change. Otherwise I would have never got the CGMS and it really is helping me. It’s still hard to change so I am still working on it. Breathe grasshopper, breathe!

Change can be a good thing…it is just in disquise for awhile! I think you will do great, just keep on going. I am more comfortable with change now…it use to be hard for me, only with the diabetes though…other changes were pretty easy. good luck!