Confession

This is regarding my love life. I was in love with a boy in a college days . His name was saurabh . I had crushes before as i was always in my own dreams , thinking of a boy who could take me away in his arms. Saurabh was drop dead handsome lad what every grl wants. It was not love at first sight we were enemies. I did not like him because of his arrongance and show off for money. And he didnt like me as most of the classmates too because of my commenting nature. We had big fight in first year such that he insulted me infront of everyone. I stopped talking to him. after a year he started forwarding me messages on the phone. I was surprised how the hell does he know my phn number . i did not respond. this messages were nothing personal but forwarded jokes and many other thoughtful messages. I Thought he was trying to make up for what he did in first year.
We passed smile to each other whenever we crossed ways. One day i heard when somebody was speaking trash of me he took my side:) i was happy to know it. We started talking on phone. I started enjoying talking to him on phone and teasing him as he was pretty shy. Thats what i loved about him. he was so cute. Though he was very much an angry young man. with a well built personality just like a " Mills and Boons " hero coming into reality.
His Eyes were big, long lashes, long nose, sweet well shaped lips, dusky colour, round chin and face with large forehead and tall.
I started falling for him. Once he was going back to his home city in holidays . Than he asked me will you miss me, I answered "Why i should miss you ? You are not special !!"
He gave a feeble laugh on phone. :)
My phone rang in the night about 1.30 a.m i thought who it would be...and there hewas on the phone. I questioned him why did you call me up so late in the night. He told that he liked talking to me . I thought he was too falling for me.
I just explained him that he shouldn't do that. because i am not worth him. He said you made the talk boring and serious,
He came back to my town for classes. One day we were sitting in college canteen and he was sitting infront of me. And you know what it happened i counldnt hear voices all around me i just looked on to him i cudnt see anyone around but his face. I LOVED HIM :) Oh!! I LOVED HIM
I invited him to my home. We were good friends than but i liked him . He came . I took his hand in mine and looked at the burnt spot in his hand which i made in lab while playing:) I said sorry to him . I just wanted to kiss him and i don know how we did. Who knows when some mutually kiss each other who started it ...And my lips melted under his. This feeling was awesome.. Our affair grew and i became intimate with him ...I loved him so much that i culdn't think other than him... I helped him in his studies and he also did help me in many things...we cleared our exams together ..I was support for him as he was for me ....When somebody is support for each other and think selflessly than who cares to say " I LOVE YOU" But here i was wrong..it means alot yes it does...Love commitment it means alot...there is a fine line between intimacy and love making... and most of Indian girls and even married woman think that if there boyfriend or husband are intimate with them that is love ..but its a big no..." Sex does not bring liability to love someone" ...I did not took lessons for hollywood movies which i love the most ..LOL
After 3 years in my first sem of PG we did not share a healthy relationship , as according to him i was possesive, not at paar with him, not clever , and ofcourse a laughable stalk for him and his colleagues. ...
....according to him ...
"where a relationship looses appreciation for each other ...it leads to infidelity". From past 6 months we were not talking to each other often as he was always busy.
One day when he came to my home i asked him whats the matter with you? He told he want to confess to me something ....
I guessed it before he said " you are seeing someone !!" look when somebody loves someone from heart how a heart and mind speak together..and he said yes...that day i was broken in many pieces...i culdnt gather myself for 4 years and my heart is still broken....during my break up period i had to face this for 2 years infront of me as he was my classmate...
In my mind i always had ..he must be with her all the time, which made me crazy i lost my mind i had no pleasure in getting dressed up or meet someone...i called him no. of times like crazy ...i even confronted his girlfriend and told her about me..but the effort was futile ... you know when you love somebody sometimes your self-respect stoops so low that we forget how unjust we are to ourselves....
One day I told saurabh i would meet your grlfriend and tell her everything...he came to college ..and took me to his room and beat me up with his legs...ans hand slapping me...and yes it is true...i culdn't stand up for myself and i hate myself for it .... than after i stopped calling him and it has been six years i haven't talked to him ...though he tries but i don't....he is married to the same girl he dated ..and here i am alone with my wounds and sadness ...I hope i shouldn't have fallen for him ....many things are there after.which i even cant comprehend here..