..COntrOL.. o_0

Control .. according to dictionary.com, they define that word as follows:

–verb (used with object)

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
2. to hold in check; curb: to control a horse; to control one's emotions.
3. to test or verify (a scientific experiment) by a parallel experiment or other standard of comparison.
4. to eliminate or prevent the flourishing or spread of: to control a forest fire.
5. Obsolete.to check or regulate (transactions), originally by means of a duplicate register.

Have you ever had the need to keep everything under control?

Well, I used to be good at that... er, at least I thought I was.

It has been 3 months and 13 days since I was diagnosed with diabetes. The first month, I was pretty good at managing it. Testing my fasting blood sugar before meals and before bed.. taking my medication at the appropriate times and correct dosage, recording my carbohydrates intake in my new diary at every meal, and following the 60g diet with the freedom to choose one snack totaling up to 30g..

But, for some reason it has gotten hard.

My entire office and associates are all fully aware of my special diet needs. In fact, they care so much, they watch everything I eat. This is the same care I get at home and from my family -- and I suppose they have every right. But there are times where I just lose all control.

I suppose my co-workers feel bad when they eat what I cannot have in from of me, and have been consciene, but at the same time I do not want them to feel that they cannot eat what they want or have prepared. At most times, I think they are trying to accommodate me more than satisfying their appetite.

You see, I'm a sweets kind of gal. I have a weakness for ice cream, chocolates, and pasteries. Custards, shakes, oh my, you name it and it is hard to choke out a "no." I also LOVE my carbs! Rice is my main source of carb and I just cannot get enough of it.. and I love noodles! Sphagetti, mac and cheese, Swedish Meatball, etc.. yummmm

These past few weeks, from celebrating birthday parties at the office, to getting a night cap at a local bar, to going to the food court at the mall with my sister, I've indulged in a very unhealthy eating habit.

I've been feeling guilty about it. So I have convinced myself that having these cravings for sweets and my love for carbs is not a crime. However, is it normal to always feel this way?!

LOL I laugh at myself now....

Discipline is what I lack when it comes to food. My husband has tried the "scare" tactic on me -- if I don't cut back on the sweets and/or carbs, I can get worse. The worst part ... I know he's right (and believe me, I hate it when he's right!! LOL).

For example, this morning I went to the grocery store and saw a box of 4 "double chocolate muffins."

I bought it...

And scarfed down one as soon as I openned it in the car. Currently, I have that same box sitting on my desk, one spot empty from this afternoon's mental breakdown. The worse part, I know when I start to pack up tonight, I'd be stashing these muffins somewhere my husband and associates cannot find.

When I get home, mind you, I'll probably end up feeling so bad about what I did, I'd drive to the closet 24 hour gym and workout until I'm sore. >_<

((sighing)) I suppose I'm a work in progress... no one said this was going to be easy... any advice out there??!!

Thanks and I guess that's all I have to say..


** New blog post under Jerissa Say's Box, titled "Requests are NOT ALWAYS granted"**

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