i’m starting to break. mentally, i’m exhausted. i’ve got no one who really understands and i’m afraid to voice my fears to my loved ones too much because i don’t want them to be scared. i know that in the back of their minds they know the risks i live with. it would break my fiance’s heart if he heard the fears in my mind these days. he’s so afraid for me already and he doesn’t want to think of what may happen. i can’'t fault him for these. i worry about him in the same manner. i know the risks he has in his life, but it kills me to see the possible future he may deal with. i wish i could cry one someone’s shoulder. i think my cats are sick of me sobbing while i pet them for some hope of comfort and company. the days go by and things just look worse and worse. and i never thought i’d miss crackers so much in my life.
i’m worried about my body as well. i’m afraid of taking so many meds all the time. i have three infected hair folicals which i’ve been trying to treat homeopathically because i’m worried that if i take antibiotics too often (i just had a round a few months ago due to a pump site infection) they won’t respond properly anymore. one has nearly gone away and another seems to be shrinking too. the third and newest one still has no change. if nothing improves with it by the time i see my diabetes educator on the 10th, i’ll ask for the antibiotics. i also have an irritated cut on my leg near my achiles tendon. normally i’d just hit it with neosporin a couple of times and not worry, but with the infections i have right now i may be freaking out (perhaps over-reacting, perhaps not). you can go ahead and get what my biggest diabetic complication fear is if you want. i’m keeping an extra vigilant eye on it and will treat it as many times with as many things as i can. i’m just afraid that as far as my health is concerned i may have fallen into the “too little, too late” catagory. i’m tired, scared and confused. i wish i had more help…and a time machine so i could tell stupid young me to stop being so stupid and just get on the ball already. mabee then i wouldn’t be in such a panic and i wouldn’t be so stressed all the time because i’d already have my diabetic stuff sorted out to where it needs to be. instead it’s like i’m stumbling around in the dark.