D-Blog Week 2012 - Day 3 - One Thing I Could Try To Do Better

"Yesterday we gave ourselves and our loved ones a big pat on the back for one thing we are great at. Today let’s look at the flip-side. We probably all have one thing we could try to do better. Why not make today the day we start working on it. No judgments, no scolding, just sharing one small thing we can improve so the DOC can cheer us on!"

For the second blog my "One Good Thing" was that I almost always cleaned my hands before testing my blood sugar. Today I get to pick from the million things I am such a slacker in doing to be the "One Thing I could Try To Do Better." I guess I could choose from the on and off relationship with logging the way I use to 4 years ago, not sticking to a better routine (a pump makes it so much easier to fall out of that), thinking I could swing having one more slice of pizza, clean out the cemetery of test strips that sit at the bottom of my purse more frequently, keep a reusable lunch sack stocked with snacks, glucose tablets, splenda and a baggie of clean tissues like I did in the beginning, download my info more frequently, get into a "real" exercise routine because dancing it out with the kids cannot be my standard,...OMG there is just so much!!! But I think I'll aim a little higher to help me emotionally. I want to promise myself not to get swallowed up into that black hole called guilt.

Yes, I guilt myself. I guilt myself when I see a blood glucose number that is out of range. I guilt myself about caving and having something I know I probably shouldn't, then see a number I don't like. I call that the double-dip guilt cone. I guilt myself about not logging that day, about not using that yoga mat I bought a year ago that's still in the shrink wrap. I guilt myself about chomping on the last three lifesavers in front of my children who clearly would like to have one and I have to sound like Elaine on Seinfeld and say I can't spare one. The guilt I feel that my family had to leave the Aquarium because suddenly my pump malfunctioned and my blood sugar was nearing 400 and I was dumb enough to leave my vial of insulin and my syringes at home. (I don't do that anymore) I feel guilty about my pump sometimes poking my little ones when they would come to give me a hug cuz hugs from mommy shouldn't be painful. I feel guilty when I hear my children say, "I'm just checking on you to see if you are ok." And the colossal guilt I feel when I think about when I passed out and my two children were home alone with me.

So, feeling less guilt is what I want to promise myself I want to work hard at changing. There is only so much that is in my hands and so much that I can do and a lot we have to navigate through. I wish that I didn't have to have passengers in this lifelong condition, but I have to realize that I didn't ask for this either. It happened...to me...to them...and just is what it is.