Depressed on my birthday

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes, it means a lot to have people thinking about me. I'm feeling a lot better, it was a combination of things that made me feel so bad. The continuing worry about diabetes and never feeling safe. The UTI that might mean another kidney infection and hospitalization. My grades at school are lower because of all the time I missed and it's hard to concentrate without getting enough sleep. To top it off I was about to have my monthly, that always gives me cramps and makes me nervous.

I'm back hanging out with Teruo, the only time I really feel safe (about my diabetes) is when I'm with him. If I had problems, he would know what to do and he is the only one here I can talk to about my diabetic problems. He considers me his "girfriend" and wants things I'm don't want to do. Kissing kind of disgusts me and I feel like brushing my teeth afterwords but I need him as a friend so I have to pretend I like it.

Almost time for class, I'll answer some of your posts later.

I'm back hanging out with Teruo, the only time I really feel safe (about my diabetes) is when I'm with him. If I had problems, he would know what to do and he is the only one here I can talk to about my diabetic problems. He considers me his "girfriend" and wants things I'm don't want to do. Kissing kind of disgusts me and I feel like brushing my teeth afterwords but I need him as a friend so I have to pretend I like it.
Oh Madison, you don't have to do this.

I understand where you're coming from, and it's not a bad strategy early on, but you can get ahold of this, feel safe, and be 100% in charge without having to have Teruo around to make you feel safe.

One suggestion: Do you have any girl friends that are close, that would be willing to learn a few things about how to help if you have a serious problem? In truth, it's very little a friend has to commit to: Just willing to learn a few things about how you manage diabetes, what to do if you tell them you feel hypo and can't deal with it yourself (because of the hypo). Close friends that are willing can also learn to test your BG to confirm a bad hypo, and then the immediate action is simple and straightforward: Give you some sweets! Juice! etc.

These sorts of "incidents" will occur less and less as you become the expert on managing your health.

If you can work your way out of that situation with Teruo, that would be best. It not good for either of you: You not wanting what's happening, him believing somethings happening that's not. As hard as it is to say no, especially when it's complicated by your situation, will in the end be much better for the both of you.

And, I'm pretty sure that when the dust settles and Teruo finally accepts that you're not romantically interested in him, he'll still want to be your friend, and a "D-buddy".

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He considers me his "girlfriend" and wants things I'm don't want to do. Kissing kind of disgusts me and I feel like brushing my teeth afterwords but I need him as a friend so I have to pretend I like it.

Well ... you certainly are not the first (young) woman to try bargaining with the devil. But the road to "Oh, crap! What am I going to do NOW?!?" is often paved with expediencies like these.

Normally I would feel totally out of my depth offering advice in this area. But I think I'm not going out on a limb to point out that teenage boys are not renowned for their ability to say, "This far, but no further." I think it likely Teruo is going to (quickly) want to push on and do other things you probably have even less interest in. Especially if you continue to pretend that you like what is already happening.

And damn it, girl! Where's the respect?!? You should be treated with more respect than this. How can you not realize this? My mind boggles.

If I had problems, he would know what to do and he is the only one here I can talk to about my diabetic problems.

Three words: Find. Someone. Else.

What? Do you imagine you are the only young woman with diabetes in the Tokyo area? Find someone else who can help you learn how to take control of this new aspect of your life without feeling compelled to brush your teeth afterwards.

-iJohn

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If you have to pretend you like him in that way so he will be your friend means he is not a friend. A friend would not make you do things you don't want to do and they would stick by you.

I'm sorry but the person who needs to feel safe about your diabetes is YOU! YOU need to learn how to help yourself. You are going to have diabetes all of your life so you need to start taking care of yourself and becoming confident that you know what to do in a crisis.

15 is not that young - you are a young woman - you don't need some guy who wants more than you want to give around. Be independent, learn to do things on your own. Talk to your parents about why you feel so alone with your diabetes.

I would NEVER be friends with a person who only sticks around because I do what he wants. Have some self-respect - that is your first step in self-care.

You are not alone. Learn how to deal with any diabetes problem or situation. You will become more confident and feel more in control of your life.

Oh, kiddo, your gonna be just fine. You'll live a long and healthy life, there's just some new challenges. Its just one of those things that you end up spending your whole life trying to figure out, Your doing a good job. It doesn't work like they say it does. Its mysterious. It will take time.

The numbers are really supposed to be perfect. I really think that part of being a young, healthy woman is having irregularity and uncertainty in the numbers - they call it a 'dynamic system' in math. That means its always changing and is difficult to control. If you were an old man who had un-diagnosed type II diabetes for twenty years and all your organs were failing, you might not see as much dynamic behavior in the system. Things might be easier to control if you weren't as healthy. It goes with the territory. Some stuff you can control and some stuff you cant. Do your best, don't expect the number to work out all the time, pay attention to how you feel. That's important in the long run. When you find a stable balance of medication that you can live with comfortably, it will be an incredible achievement and you will be very happy.

Are you running high? I tend to get UTI's when I run high. High BG makes infection more likely. Often, they don't give you an antibiotic that's strong enough to kill it completely so it just comes right back. That's common. They will fix it.

Your in a major metropolitan area. Feel safe. If you passed out, someone would help you, I promise. You just wouldn't believe the people who have come out of nowhere to help ME. There are angels, and diabetics, everywhere. A kid passed out in Chipolte when my husband was waiting in line the other day, and the first thing that a guy behind the counter did, was come running with a glass of orange juice. People will help you if something happens. You will probobly become good at helping other people, too, down the line.

terry said: "Life carves and erodes every physical thing in this world..."

You must be a writer in your real life.

i want to read what you wrote more than once and let it sink in.

My numbers are up one day and down the next. I try to do exactly the same every day but I can't seem to get the same results. I'm beginning to think, because I still produce insulin in the honeymoon stage, my body is causing the up/down variations. There may be other things adding to the variations, my monthly period, the UTI or the antibiotics I've been taking.

I told Teruo that I like him and want to be friends with him, but if he keeps trying to seduce me I can't hang out with him any more. He seemed to accept it, we have been hanging out the last few days without the monkey business. We're going to the movies tomorrow. He wants to see American Sniper but I want to see Big Hero 6. We haven't decided yet.

Madison, you may already have seen this, but I wanted to point to a thread which curlysarah started in the General Diabetes Topics and Pre-Diabetes section.

The title is "Telling the Endo to Back Off". It is a link to and a quote of the contents of a blog recently posted on huffingtonpost.com: "Why I Told My Diabetes Doctor to Back Off"

I copied one part of this blog which I thought may resonate some with you below.

Recently, I was working with a colleague who also has Type 1 diabetes and I asked him, "Why do blood glucose meter companies always seem to put a 101 or a 98 blood glucose value reading on the front of their meter packaging? Why don't they put a 201 or even a 250? How about a 180?" He dryly answered, "They want us to feel as bad as possible."
We laughed but seriously, are these numbers supposed to be our goal? Is 98 a good number as we head out on a 3-mile jog? Is it a good pre-meal number? Where is that number headed? Up? Down? Steady? I constantly adjust my number goals based on my circumstances. Am I at home? At work? What time of day is it? Am I stressed? How do you correct a high blood sugar that is due to stress? On and on and on.

How is your meditation going? Can you pull yourself back far enough from all the many distractions your life is currently filled with to get a sense of where & who you are?

-iJohn
T1 LADA since ~1978; first pump Minimed 507 ~1996
presently: Medtronic Paradigm 723 (04/2013) + CGM (11/2014)

Madison, Iā€™m happy to hear that you are no longer making out with Teruo in order to keep him hanging out with you because that is the only time you feel ā€œsafe.ā€ Iā€™ve always been a straightforward, get-to-the-point kind of person, so here goes: You need to have more respect for yourself than to EVER do something you donā€™t want to do!

I think you would feel a great deal safer (and calmer overall) if you started using a Dexcom CGM. You seem to worry a lot about what could happen if your BG goes high or low. I believe the Dexcomā€™s trend arrows would allay a great deal of your fear. IMHO, it is never too soon to start using a CGM. Additionally, I highly recommend getting a pump once you are a few months out from diagnosis if you want tighter control of your BGs.

Good luck and hang in there, Madison. We are here for you.

Sorry I didnā€™t check in here for so long. It is not entirely my fault, after the site changed I couldnā€™t get on. It seemed like my old password wouldnā€™t work any more. I finally got that straightened out so I could ge on again. After that I got sick again, old problem kidney infection. I was in the hospital again, this time they gave me an antibiotic ā€œcocktailā€ and hopefully Iā€™m cured for good.

My life changed when I went to the Buddhist retreat in Hong Kong. While I was there I had a religious epiphany or realization that diabetes was unimportant and was just a minor setback on my path through life. I now live for the moment and try not to think about the past or worry about the future.

When school is out next month Iā€™ll be going to San Diego to stay with my grandparents. While there Iā€™ll be starting on an insulin pump. I havenā€™t decided which one yet, Iā€™m not sure they will let me chose which one. Any suggestions?

Catch you all later, going out with Teruo today for a day of fun and games.

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glad youā€™re back Madison! lots of topics to look at on pumps here

I have the Accu-chek Combo, if itā€™s one youā€™re considering, let me know.

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Hello Madison, I am sure that you will adjust to your type 1 diabetes,all of us do, eventually. I was diagnosed in 1945 when I was 6. Now I am 75 and have been type 1 for 69 years. If you take good care of yourself you can have a long, healthy life. The life expectancy for type 1 people in the US is almost as good as for non diabetics. I do not have any diabetes related complications except for some mild nerve damage. Good diabetes management can be your guide to an almost normal and happy life.

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Who are ā€œtheyā€ and why wouldnā€™t they let you be part of the decision? Of course, one key aspect of which pump you end up with is how the pump and pump supplies are paid for.

Choosing a pump tends to be a very personal thing. What I would suggest is that you ask questions to get a better feel for what you might prefer in using a pump. Even better would be test driving one for at least a few days to a month so you could get an idea what itā€™s like to live with one.

From what I recall of your experiences, it seems as though CGM (Continuous Glucose Monitoring) might be even more helpful than a pump. Have you discussed that with anyone yet?

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To far removed to know what someone your age is feeling like but when I was diagnosed at 13 I was scared and angry at the same time. One week in hospital, childrenā€™s ward with mixed patients kind of got my mind right pretty quick. I was in with terminal cancer kids my age and younger along with seeing other horrible diseaseā€™s that I never knew existed. I actually would ask the nurse what was going on with this one or that one and she would tell me and then say ā€œsee at least you can control what you have and probably live a long lifeā€ That got my head into the ā€œcontrolā€ portion, gave me some focus and thanks that I was not stricken with something worse than T1Dā€¦ I hope you find success, it does take time to get good at controlling but you will.

Welcome back Madison! Fun to hear you went to a retreat in Hong Kong, AND had a realization. Life always has difficult periods; the more we accept that it is part of the whole enchilada, then the easier it becomes to keep moving forward and out of the stuck-ness that bogs us down. Oh my, sometimes we are stuck in the mud for a very long timeā€¦then one day the lotus flower blooms.

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Good to hear from u, Madison. I also just got back on.