During the past two days 15 years of diabetes correlated repression collapsed over me.
At once it became clear to me, that diabetic complications are not something that just happens to other persons, but that it could happen to me too. Suddenly thinking of my personal future became overwhelming threatening. I realized that even a good treatment of my diabetes (and my treatment hasn’t been good for the last years) cannot (or will not necessarily) prevent me from complications - I can only hope for good genes. And I started to believe in a cure, because it seems to be the only way out (proving wrong everything I said in my last blog post).
It’s like I’d just been diagnosed. I don’t have a new position in all of this yet - I don’t know whether it’s going to motivate me or if it is going to paralyze me. I don’t know anything right now. I’m just scared. So scared.
I don’t even know whether this fear is rational or irrational. Does it seem to me more terrifying than it really is? Or is it only just the first time that I see the terrible truth? Right now, D seems like a big monster that I cannot fight, it will never go away. How can I deal with that? Right now I’m hoping that I will be able to change my point of view again, and get back to a more confident, optimistic one. Hope this happens soon.