Facing my fears

Lately,I have been finding myself sleeping more of the day away, and just not “excited” about being diabetic anymore. Depression? Yes, that is part of the reason. It just seems as if I just don’t know where to turn to anymore. I have had Type 1 diabetes for 20 years now, and it seems as if the complications are finally catching up to me from all the years that I didn’t take care of myself. Thinking, “It wont happen to me”. Hind sight is 20/20. We all know that.
Tomorrow, I have a chat with my Nephrologist (sp) lined up to finally discuss dialysis. I have known for many many of years that the chances of me being put on dialysis was far more a likelihood than not. I only had increased chances since I was born with a type of kidney disease in which spills protein. Dialysis. OK. I think I can handle that. At least for today I think I can handle that. However, I have another “lovely” problem. Back in March of this year, 2011, I developed a “pretty” little diabetic ulcer on the bottom of my right heel. That was MONTHS ago… It should be cleared up by now, right? well, it’s not. I make weekly trips to the Wound Care Clinic so they can take care of my foot, and send me on my merry way. We have used one of the “big guns” on the sore, the Dermagraph, but it still isn’t healed. With this nice little ulcer, I have had numerous infections with it, developed MRSA, and even had a talk about amputation because of it.
I feel like my energy to fight this fight, is dwindling down. I don’t feel as if I can talk to my husband about this. After all, he is the “bread winner” and usually takes care of everything around here anyways, including the cooking. He has 2 boys of his own that live with us, and he is trying to raise them, and handle the headaches that go along with that. I feel as if I were to bring up my own concerns about myself, my health and what really scares me, when I look in the mirror, he would just blow it off, and think it was “petty”. I have been down that road with him on subjects before. My parents are sill very much alive and well. And live slightly over an hour from me. My mother, bless her heart, has enough health problems of herself, for me to bother her of my own. I would hate to give her bad news, and see her health go down in a tail spin. I would feel totally and completely alone if anything ever happened to my Momma! For some reason, I don’t think anyone in my family believes that this dialysis thing that is literally staring me in the face, is fixin’ to become reality. Mamma said just today, that “maybe the doctor will change his mind, and you wont have to do dialysis”. (that is some wishful thinking, right?)
My father, whom is remarried, and has his “own life” lives in the same town as my Mamma for half of the year, and the other half away in a “vacation home”. I have never been real close with my father. He is a very hard man to read, and talk to. I have never felt comfortable calling him up, or sitting down to talk to him about things that seem to be important to me. Especially my health.
I guess I really don’t know what to expect right now, or in the future. Or what to think about these playing cards that I have been dealt. I can’t exactly ask for a “re-deal”, can I? So, for now, I will sign off, and pray that tomorrow will be a better day, and this fear inside of me subsides.

Hi Lori Marie. So sorry to hear you have to deal with all these problems. I hope today is a better day for you. Stay strong. Joanne

Lori Marie,

I have no idea how old you are but I am almost 58 and know how you feel. At least partially. My kidneys have been slowly loosing ground for the past several years. I know that I am staring at dialysis sometime in my future as well. People just don’t seem to understand that there aren’t many things you can do for a broken kidney. You can live with it as long as you can (like we are doing), then there is dialysis and then there is transplant. There are no magic drugs to repair that organ. I also have “bubbles” on my legs. Places where fluid has gathered and made a rather large blister on the surface of my calf. I always worry about getting infections in my legs. Infact, I think that is what started the issue.

Although my wife is my biggest advocate, I just hate to tell her when they find the next thing that is wrong. So I keep it inside even though I know I can’t hide it.

My prayers are with you. Dealing with diabetes is a struggle every day but remember that YOU CAN DO IT!!

aka brokenpole

hi there,i was reading your blog and i felt that i have been doing the same thing for 15yrs now.I dont take this diabetes seriously and i sometimes forget or dont wanna bother with my meds.You have open my eyes to take better control of this diabetes…i sleep a lot ,watch tv ,ignore the symptoms,im always telling myself …tomorrow …tomorrow i will take control and do things better but i always go back to my old habits…I wish you lived near me so we can share and talk more about this never ending desease…i live in Brooksville florida…my name is Nancy…<3