Can’t say that today was enlightening or fun for me but Jess seemed to get a lot out of it. It really bothered me when she said that she will have sympathy towards me but never understand. I thought I had found someone that was understanding to my struggles. I swear that is one of the things that made me fall in love with her but maybe I misunderstood.
I am really upset…
I have already allowed this disease to tear apart past relationships and I can’t let that happen again. I just see so much of my parents in her all of a sudden and it scares the ■■■■ out of me. I know that she is going to push because she cares but I can’t have her lose sight of what I need. This has never been easy for me and to change is always the hardest. If she loses sight of all that, then I don’t know what will happen. I love her to death and don’t EVER want anything to come between us. Somehow the diabetes always does though…
I read a lot on her face today at the appointment. Sometimes she seemed downright angry with me for not just stepping up and doing what needs to be done. Kim seemed different today… Not as personal or encouraging of me as she usually is. I think she saw Jess being there as an opportunity for me to have a support system that I need but right now all I want is someone that is going to be happy with me no matter what decisions I make in life. I want that unconditional bond with something. It doesn’t need to be a person and I would actually prefer it not to be as people can never be completely nonjudgmental. I just need the encouragement of that unconditional love right now to tell me that I am strong enough to do this.
All of a sudden, I feel as though I will never be good enough again. I can’t handle that again. I won’t…
I feel like I am labeled, scarred, and broken. Like no matter what I do, I can’t manage this on my own but allowing the people in around me ruins the relationship we have. What is wrong with me that I can’t do this on my own? Why do I always feel like I’m failing? I know that I am sentenced to this for the rest of my life but why does it always have to include the people around me?
I know that I have committed to doing what needs to be done so that we have results in four weeks, but I hope that Jess can help me find what I have never been able to before… the balance between making healthy choices and being happy with how I am living my life. I know that she was upset with me for not being completely open to all of Kim’s suggestions. I just have been doing this for a long time and I do know what works for me to change. Doing it all at once is never a good thing but taking baby steps to get to my overall goal always seems to work in the beginning at least.
I just want more than anything for Jess to understand me. That is all I have ever wanted from anyone and it seems that I may not ever have that. I miss Steve today… He would have picked me back up and brushed me off. Told me that he has been there and things will get better. He understood and he paid the price for it…
This is the closest I will probably come to her ever understanding how I have to do things. Please let her have the patience that she needs to allow me to work through my problems. I need her to do this for me. I need her to not get frustrated with me or angry that I get frustrated. I will never be able to say this to her because fairness is a stupid concept but right now, life isn’t fair and that is how I feel.
She doesn’t understand why I am not willing to bolus before I eat. I know myself and I know that if I try something that I am not willing to do then it only ever backfires. I am willing to try to check my blood sugars 3-4 times a day and I am willing to make sure I bolus for those meals that I eat. Can that please be enough for the next four weeks because right now that even sounds completely overwhelming… please…