High Expectations . .

not perfect
So, yesterday was my second follow-up visit with my endo after going on the pump in mid-April. It was also time for my next A1C test. For once, I was excited about this. When last tested, in February, I was at 6.8. I couldn't wait to see what the lab had to say this time. Maybe I would finally have fallen below 6.5!!!

Well, I was quite disappointed when the doctor told me my A1C came back at . . . . 6.7. I only went down one lousy 10th of a point!

However, my endo was quite pleased. According to him, many people find their A1C goes up right after switching to the pump - due to all of the adjustments and the learning process and getting everything set. He was happy to see me actually being 1/10th of a point lower.

I admitted to him that as much as I love the pump, I notice it has caused me to put even more pressure on myself to be perfect. I expect each and every reading to be in the 80 - 120 range, and am disappointed in myself when they aren’t. He reminded me that everything is NEVER going to be perfect. That’s just not realistic. We can make them better than they were, but we can’t make them PERFECT.

I left his office with praise from him and a vote of confidence that I will do just great in the three months until my next appointment. He reminded me to call if things start to go wacky and we need to tweak again. But he is thrilled with how I’ve handled things so far.

So why do I still feel I should have done better? Do you put unreasonably high expectations on yourself too?

So why do I still feel I should have done better?

In my opinion, that is such a loaded question, Karen. In my 31 years of experience with this, I find my enthusiasm, my patients, my perfectionism (or is it my OCD?) my anger, my frustration , and my denial: ebb and flow.

I sometimes feel if I can pound the daylights out of this disease – really beat it into the ground I will have 2 things: CONTROL and CONTROL. I am not trying to be funny, but I have though a long time about this and it seems like if I can really control this I can beat it, and in my mind that means I won’t be diabetic anymore. The moons and stars align occasionally and I do get A1c’s down to 6.4…… sometimes…….

The problem is that there are so many variables, and you can do exactly the same things 2 times in a row and you will get different results. This adds anger and frustration for me because I will feel less in control and farther from beating the ‘beetus.

Rejoice when you feel good. Don’t fret disappointment because you will have some, I strive for happiness in my life and a kind of a sustainable relationship with diabetes. I can go to war, but it is very tiring. =)

Nice job on the A1c! many happy years to you!