Hypocritical

I posted this to my blogspot blog earlier today:

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite.

Like right now. I talk quite often about being healthy, eating healthy, being a “good” diabetic, good blood sugars, exercising properly…

Fact is, though, I am SO not the epitome of health.

A couple months after Rylee was born I stopped really trying to take care of myself. Things were just getting more and more busy, Rylee was a very sweet and easy infant but a needy one. So, I haven’t cared much about caring.

I feel hypocritical

I’ve put off seeing my Endocrinologist since before my daughter was born last year. I’m certain my A1c is atrocious. I’ve just cared less and less, until now.

And I feel hypocritical

Why now? Oh, many reasons. Realizing I feel like crap a lot these days (but do my very best not to show it), I’d really rather not. Rylee’s 1st birthday is coming up VERY soon and I want to be able to enjoy every one of her birthdays for a good long long time. It also happens to be Diabetes Awareness month, I mentioned that yesterday, and I feel it’s an appropriate time to really get my butt back in gear.

I’d like to get my A1c Back in the 6-7’s again. I had never been below a 7.8 before pregnancy, but man, it felt awesome to be in the 6-7%'s. I’m sure I’m in the high 10’s at least.

I feel hypocritical.

While I have mostly conquered the evil world that is eating disorders, it is not completely gone, nor will it ever be, I think. Some of that does hold me back still at times. If only I had realized what I had before being pregnant. Ha! It is better this way, though. I can see that.

I have wanted for a long time to have some sort of podium to shout from. Some way to communicate with others, specifically young girls/women who struggle with diabetes, eating disorders or both. I don’t have a degree. I don’t have any reason for anyone to listen to me ever, I am hypocritical. Maybe, though, someday I will be able to have a podium. Maybe this is it, or this is what God has planned for me, or he has completely different ones. Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I will move forward and do my best to stop being the hypocrite that I hate so much. I will strive to be the best I can for my Husband, for my Daughter. I will get my blood sugar in my control and no longer let it continue to control me.

Here’s to bringing awareness by becoming aware myself.

Bethany,
Every day brings a fresh start. Don’t beat yourself up. So you messed up for a bit, been there and done that. I’ve taken almost 1 1/2 yrs “off” before. I am back on track and working on cutting back to just 1 med. You are taking the first steps to getting back in control, that’s what matters. As you watch your daughter learn to crawl, then walk, then run remember that is what we do for the rest of our lives. Every change we make starts out small and then we get better and better and soon are running. And even if you do not have a degree you can still make a difference and help others - you have experience which can often times be more valuable then a peice of paper you got from reading books. If it means a lot to you then go back to school and get that degree.

Wow, a very moving post. Let your podium begin here!!!

I am feeling the same way today. Exactly! My daughter will be a year old on the 22nd. I guess it’s a great way to mark Diabetes Awareness Month. Finding your post was assuring that I am not alon and for what it’s worth you aren’t alone either. We have to fight the fight for our children and our husbands, but most importantly for ourselves.

Hi Bethany
I think we all have periods of discouragement…Sometimes I feel like I need a 12 step program to stay on the bandwagon! I too want to throw in the towel on many days…One thing I have learnt though, to help me keep at it, is that I must celevrate ALL my little achievement/goals and NOT beat myself up for the mistakes I make or for the things that are NOT in my control (ie I think Kelly R posted something about the diabetic gods getting it all wrong…). Baby steps, setting goals and being gentle with myself are what saves me.

Great Idea! Take care of yourself so you can take good care of her!!!