I used to cut, and there are times and circumstances where I wish I could again. I am so sorry that you are in such pain that cutting is the only way that you can find to help rid you of the hurt? I can so relate to the depression, the pain, the need to see that you are as others are, your blood is red just like other’s blood is red.
Sometimes the pain of the blade is less painful than the pain that is causing the cutting. I agree that you should talk to someone, someone who understands that this kind of cutting isn’t a suicide attempt, but a way to deal with a lot of stuff that is in your soul and your heart. I have the scars on my arms and my stomach from my five years of cutting, and although some may think it is a reminder of worse times, I think, for me it is a reminder of my life in general. I don’t have those scars out of hate for me, but out of trying to find some love for myself.
Briar-Rose, please because you do love yourself enough to reach out to find an answer or at least share your pain, please seek out someone who will help you understand and possibly stop the cutting. You will get back on the track of taking care of your “D”…you are not bad, you are not even close. You are in pain, and you hurt.
Your writing is a good outlet…and you are very good at expressing your pain and hurt…now might be the time to tell someone who can help you with it.
Stay in touch, know that we who have answered care a great deal about you. Many, many hugs.