I feel so frustrated

I don’t know what is going on with my body because I am requiring so much insulin for like the last 2 months .I used to have a basil of 1.40 from 12pm until 6pm and then it would lower to 1.35 for the rest of the day . Now I’m on a basil of 1.45 each hour and on top of this I’m requiring so much more insulin for every meal . For example this evening I was 195 before dinner and I ate 45 carbs . In the past about 5 units of humolog would work out perfect and bring me down to under 150 about 2 hours later . Tonight I had to take a total of 8 units and 2 hours later I was 298 so I took another 5 units . That’s a total of 13 units for only 45 carbs .
On the other hand I can’t function all I wanna do is lay down . I feel so unmotivated when I have a sugar above 200 . It’s like it makes me two different people . I’m registered to go back to college in September and when I’m high I tell myself I’m dropping out and when I’m normal I feel so motivated like I can achieve any profession I want . When my blood sugar is high I only see the negative in my life . It scares the heck outa me that I’m 34 and single . I have thought things like shouldn’t my main priority be to find a husband . What if I come down with kidney failure ? Who will drive with me to my dialysis appointments and be there for me to cry to and tell them that I feel scared or mad . All my friends are married I have no sisters and 1 brother . However , when my bloodsugar is normal those thoughts don’t really haunt me cause I feel like I’m more in the moment of life right now and I’m enjoying life cause I feel good . How can one enjoy life when they feel so unnatural from high bloodsugar . In the past I would know why I went high ( to much food or had a sweet that I should not of ) now I go high just because . This morning I woke up at 6 and I was 201 and I felt like I was rising . I ate nothing but drank some water . I took 4.0 units of humolog and 4 hours later I was 112 but why did I need so much insulin to get a 200 down to normal . In the past 2 units would do the job . I am on a insulin pump but I can’t say the pump is broke cause I do get normal blood sugars sometimes . My mother tells me to go to the doctor but after having diabetes since I was 10 ( I’m 34 now )I have never found an endroconologists to be helpful . They tell me what I already know . I know it’s bad to be having so many highs . I don’t find it helpful to go to an endroconologist cause its not like they can say here take this pill and you’ll be better . When I’ve told them in the past that I go high from not even eating they look at me like I’m crazy . I even had a Dietition tell me that its ok to eat with a 300 bloodsugar , she said just take more insulin . But that doesn’t work for me if I’m 300 before a meal I have to take insulin and then eat like 2 hours later when the sugar is below 200 .
I have come to the conclusion that I cannot have a fulfilling life as a type 1 diabetic

Your instinct is correct that the dietician is nuts to rx eating at 300 I think. I don't run up there very often but, if I do, I will bolus and wait to see it get back to normal (or maybe 120, depending on how fast it's crashing out...hee hee...) before I eat. Or 'eat around it' by eating a more proteiny oriented type of food involving little carbs, if there's some sort of ritualistic need to eat w/ family/ friends/ etc.

I don't ever worry about how much insulin I'm taking unless I'm running low a lot, in which case I'll turn it down. I think your instinct is correct but I'd say don't worry about the amount and just try eating and dosing to your meter, get your rates and ratios correct and aim at normal.

Re fulfilling life, that can be hard. I have been married for a while and it has worked out well for me but, when I was single, I didn't think it would happen for many reasons. I don't think it needs to be connected to BG though. BG is BG and that's it. If you're having a hard time with it, don't feel badly. It's hard for a lot of people (if you follow D-celebs, a lot of them report similar WTF-BG moments all the time!) and is easy for no one. I think the way to succeed is to keep attacking it because it's an evil foe and, like Vince Lombardi said, "the best defense is a good offense!"

I really feel for you. But you really need to step back and distance yourself from feeling like this is your fault. For whatever reason, you are requiring more insulin. But you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do. You are increasing your insulin to deal with it. Life is full of bumps. We all get old and stuff breaks. If you do everything you can to stay healthy then you won't look back on your life with regret. And just because you have some high blood sugars doesn't mean you can't lead a fulfilling life, meet someone, fall in love and have kids.

Now, as to the last two months. You have had diabetes for a while, you don't usually just become insulin resistant and have your insulin requirements leap. Something likely happened. You might have an infection, an inflammation or an injury. You might not even know it. You might have started a medication or supplement which is causing problems. Or your sleep could be disturbed. There are lots of things that could cause this. None of these are your fault and you shouldn't feel bad about them happening. You just need to try to figure it out. Think about it, if you can figure out what is happening and address it, won't you feel good about yourself? Not because this happened, but because you dealt with it and accomplished something important.

I will echo what Brian said. It could be something else. You mentioned not going to the endo but maybe you should consider seeing them or your PCP. Get some labs done, thyroid, vitD, etc... It certainly maybe something medical. Or maybe could it be insulin resistance? It does happen with T1's. I am able to increase my insulin sensitivity by exercising regularly and eating low carb and thereby taking less insulin.
I read your profile where you stated you were afraid to be a sick old woman with diabetes. I hate to say it but it's that fear that motivates me. Of course it's not my only source of motivation but it's a huge factor. I don't know if it's the right thing or the wrong thing to say to you, it just is what it is and it works for me and I understand where you're coming from.
That being said, you can have a fulfilling life if you decide that's what you want. Don't become a self fulfilling prophecy. You only have this life! Who's to say that you would have different or better life without diabetes?

Thanks everyone above for taking the time and replying to my discussion ! I like the point that PedsRn made " how do I know that my life would be different or better without diabetes ". I have always tried to remind myself that their are worse things to be dealing with rather than diabetes . However I have looked up info on a pancreas transplant and these are the cons and pros that I have read cons : the immune suppressant drugs cause bad side affects and have been known to cause some cancers pros: people have reported a much more satisfying life .

Sweetie, diabetes is not easy. I have had diabetes for 45 years and it is still not easy. I just do not eat is my blood sugar is over 150. It often means I may have to skio a meal, but if my correction factor and basal rate are ok. I can skip and correct. I hate highs, as they limit both my activities and my brain power!! I would far rather have a low than a high, because they take sdo long to correct without crashing, say 2 to 21/2hours or so, and I can get a low up in 20-25 minutes or so. I do overbolus and stack insulin to reduce the time so I can move on.. Not recommended for those who are hypo-unaware: I am not.

Honey you can live a fulfilled life with diabetes. I am husbandless as well at 58, but I am not in a pity party about it.. I kind of like my freedom and have not turned into a" poor old sick diabetic woman" yet!! I will get OLD, may not be rich but I am not looking for or expecting to be sick.. even with the diabetes challenges. I do not expect "sick" to be part of my self-description. Do not claim "dialysis".
I had a big blood swing yesterday while out of town on a family reunion forgot to further lower my basals after an hour of dancing. Woke up with a 44, treated to normalcy, then ate the free hotel breakfast buffet. 2 hours later spikse at 205 because I did not bolus properly for the waffle. (Yes, I went there!!) And I also have had high blood glucoses on arising just from stress or lack of adequate sleep. But I do not sweat it or grumble. Some are par for the course. I Try to keep my sugars as stable as possible; but when they are not, will project bad news for the future.
God bless,
Brunetta

Hi Brunetta you sound like you have a great outlook and you really have your diabetes care down to a science ! Despite your great control do you have any diabetic complications that are the serious kind ?

I've had T1 since 1984 and have no serious complications. I have only really tightened my control since 2008 however prior to that, I was more of a 6-7 A1C person, maybe 8ish in college (1985-1989...) but had some occasional 5s, more the wild, rollercoastering up and down 5s. I have noticed the hair falling out on my legs which, while not serious, is still indicative of issues in that department.

"I will not project bad news for the future" is what I meant to write.Kidneys, eyes, heart, circulatory system are all a ok as far as I know. I keep up with my lab work and next week, I will doing a string of heart baseline tests to rule out anything, as heart disease runs on my father's side of the family. I have some tingling in my feet, knees and calves of indeterminate origin,( maybe due to a bad case of b-12 deficiency; maybe diabetes maybe other things_see list below) so says my neurologist. But I do notice the neuropathy is somewhat diminished after my blood sugars are stable for at least 4 weeks. Hard to do, but lessens that mild complication. I also have some spinal stenosis,arthritis,a fibromyalgia, nerve inflammation in back, neck and shoulders but that may be due to family tendencies and my age, not directly to diabetes, I surmise. I reralize that I can ignore most of those symptoms if I stay busy and am following a plan for my emotional and physical well being.

Marie having diabetes is not easy, but you can live a wonderful life. Keep that mindset.

Take care, God Bless