I just don't know where this came from

I haven’t been on here in a long time, but lot’s of things have been happening. Life’s been fair to okay though lately, so I guess I can’t complain. I’ve really been missing my brother and sister a lot lately, but going out to the cemetery has done me good. I can’t talk out loud to them for fear of breaking down, but I still tell them how life is for me. It’s nearly been ten years, but the pain is still fresh. My parents have been arguing more than normal lately, something that getting Diabetes before had sealed over and put an end to. They’ve done better lately, figuring out their problems. It’s just difficult for me, nearly being nineteen, to understand why they must selfishly argue while I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.

And what do I want? I’m not sure anymore. I thought that I wanted to do something with my art, my cartooning, but I have no confidence in my “works”. Everyday is the same for me, I don’t drive, I don’t leave the house but once or so a week to the grocery store, or to town. I would get a job, or go to school, but fear holds me back. What kind of fear, I’ll never know, but anytime I try doing either of the two, getting a job or going to school, my body locks up, my heart seizes, and my mind blanks. I panic. When and why did my panic attacks show up? Where did they come from? Who knows. I don’t know how to make them stop, and I don’t want to go to a doctor to whine about it.

But life online, is easy. People don’t scare me here. I can talk freely. I don’t have to be afraid, I’m safe and know who I talk to. So, every day I’ll clean the house, keep the best blood sugar I can, and wait for my family to get home. I would rather be with my family than any of the fake people that I once called “friend”. Why? Because. I’m accepted for who I am. I don’t have to fake it to make someone happy. I’m an odd eighteen year old, fearful, careful, I don’t drink, smoke, or do stupid things. I think things thoroughly before I do them. And yet, I find fault in everything I do. Why must I torture myself with thoughts of “I can never do anything right”, “Why do I screw everything up?”, “Why can’t I be different?”, when I know that I can do things better. I can change myself, but why? I never change. Because… I’m afraid.

It holds me back from growing up. My mother calls me brave because of my diabetes, strong because I endure it, smart because I must remember these things everyday, funny, happy, bright, talented. but I constantly remind myself I am none of these things other than happy. I can’t be. I miss being who I was, who I could be. I don’t know anymore. I’m just a confused girl. I want to do things right, I don’t want my family to look down on me for being afraid. I don’t want to be a dependent-on-my-parents 20 year old. I can’t do that. And yet, how can this change? I don’t know anymore! Gosh, this all sounds so depressing. I don’t even know where it came from or where it was going. I’m generally not a depressed person. I’m happy, healthy, and cared for. I couldn’t ask for a better and more nurturing and loving family… And did you know? My AIC, this time a year ago was 7.3%. Now? 6.0%. I’ve worked hard, and I’m proud. Now I just need to figure out why this post is so depressing, and what to do with my life. I’m at a crossroads, and I don’t know where to go.

Every once in a while I still chastise myself, saying things like, “I never do anything right?” It took me a while and a little therapy (I now talk once a week to a therapist), to realize it comes from my childhood where some people told me openly and not openly that I was a “sickly” child and would not amount to much… so there are days I fight the inner fight of believing in myself and how much I AM capable of doing so much more than I do now. I love the arts and everything creative, but there were many people who told me I was not good enough at it and I didn’t believe them, but yet I did at times, so then I became fearful of even trying, afraid I would prove them right. Last year was the first year I got the best feedback from one of my most challenging people in my life and before they gave me the feedback, I held my breath, but found out it was marvelous/wonderful!!! I was shocked/surprised, and it was hard to take in, because I was used to hearing the opposite for so long. Some people are afraid of failure, some are afraid of success, while others are sometimes in between… I used to ask myself what I was afraid of, but could never get an answer. I really didn’t know what I was afraid of!! Then I slowly began to see what incidents happened to me and would talk to myself about them. Eventually, I realized it was what I described above—afraid I would prove them right and afraid I couldn’t really do it or do it well, and yet in my heart I really did know I could, because I had seen and felt myself do it—and do it well! Hang in there on your journey and take it one small step at a time… Rebecca {:-]
P.S. Are we “brave” to deal with this disease? Or are we scared? I know it is a struggle. I know I am frustrated with it a lot. I know I do it because I think I must. I do it to live. A few days ago, I realized I do it because I have the real “strength” to take care of my diabetes. I’ve had people say they wouldn’t be able to take shots, poke their fingers, or wear a pump, etc., but I think they are wrong, because they would if THEY HAD TO or IF THEY CHOSE… TO LIVE!!! Yeah, we’re brave, maybe braver than some other people. Yeah, we’'re strong, too. And somedays I see that better than others… Rebecca

Hi, Jessie! It’s ok to be safe were you are at. But in time you’ll have to take care of yourself. You’ll need the extra education to get that job with benefits and hours. I’m there at that moment but after Dec 1st, my job might discontinue the health insurance. So, I’ll have to search for a job with benefits probly keep this one for extra income.

My point is putting yourself down can lead to alot of heartache and hardship down the path. You have to think about yourself and I know it’s hard to when you are depressed. You should go to a doctor and tell him what you are experiencing. You are not whining to your doctor, you are simply taking care of yourself to tell him what’s going.

Believe me, once you get this out of the way…you’ll start to feel alot better. Being stong and brave is taking care of you, your temple.

I’ll write later, Patti

I totally understand what you are going through. The thing is that I know exactly when things changed for me. I was an outgoing happy person and diabetes was not an issue when I was first diagnosed. I would take my insulin and I did not care since it was part of my life. In the past year though something strange happened to me. I was put on januvia and it started to mess with my head big time. I started getting panick attacks and started to worry about my blood pressure, my sugars, my stomach you name it. I went to emergency a few times because I was worried. I would come home from work and lay in bed worrying about how high my blood pressure would get. I started to work from home more often. One day I decided to do something about where my mind was going. I was motivated by someone in this site to get up and move. It was not easy and it was a challenge and it still is. I wound up here at Tudiabetes and started to read what other people were going through. I used to bike a lot but during the early part of the year my bike would hang on a hook. I was afraid of going low while doing excercise or of having a heart attack. But for some reason I remember the person I used to be and I wanted to be that person again. At first it was hard getting back on the bike. I started very slowy doing small rides here and there. I started working out more and more. Got off the pill that caused problems. I made myself get out of the house again and go to the office. I meditated, prayed, excercised. It has been a long road but I still try. Some days are good some or not so good. As far as figuring out what you want to do with life that is hard to. It took me 6 years to get out of college while I was making up my mind as to what to do in life. Also as far as what is right, do what is right for you not what is right for someone else. Follow what your mind tells you and take small steps. The longest journey started with one step. take care

Honey, its ok to feel that way. You are young and the average 18 yr old doesn’t have a clue what they want to do with their life and that considering they have a normal life and not one as complicated as yours. You are starting with online courses and that is a good start until you make up your mind. You have a fairly good understanding of your diabetes … ever consider something health related or counseling ?

Hey darlin’, you’re at a good place. You seem to have your head on straight and if you cant make any decisions right now, then don’t. You wont make the right decision anyways, if you’re not ready to. Feeling confused is a part of life, never mind the D. Put on some feel good music, sing at the top of your voice and pat yourself on the back. You’re with friends & family and we’re all here for you…

I wouldn’t be too concerned with finding out what you want to do. When i was 18 the last thing I thought i’d be was a teacher and then I ended up a special needs teacher, then a construction worker in the summer and now I’m a diabetes resource worker. Just live 1 day at a time. I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You seem to have control of your diabetes and that’s a victory in intself. Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff:)