I haven’t been on here in a long time, but lot’s of things have been happening. Life’s been fair to okay though lately, so I guess I can’t complain. I’ve really been missing my brother and sister a lot lately, but going out to the cemetery has done me good. I can’t talk out loud to them for fear of breaking down, but I still tell them how life is for me. It’s nearly been ten years, but the pain is still fresh. My parents have been arguing more than normal lately, something that getting Diabetes before had sealed over and put an end to. They’ve done better lately, figuring out their problems. It’s just difficult for me, nearly being nineteen, to understand why they must selfishly argue while I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.
And what do I want? I’m not sure anymore. I thought that I wanted to do something with my art, my cartooning, but I have no confidence in my “works”. Everyday is the same for me, I don’t drive, I don’t leave the house but once or so a week to the grocery store, or to town. I would get a job, or go to school, but fear holds me back. What kind of fear, I’ll never know, but anytime I try doing either of the two, getting a job or going to school, my body locks up, my heart seizes, and my mind blanks. I panic. When and why did my panic attacks show up? Where did they come from? Who knows. I don’t know how to make them stop, and I don’t want to go to a doctor to whine about it.
But life online, is easy. People don’t scare me here. I can talk freely. I don’t have to be afraid, I’m safe and know who I talk to. So, every day I’ll clean the house, keep the best blood sugar I can, and wait for my family to get home. I would rather be with my family than any of the fake people that I once called “friend”. Why? Because. I’m accepted for who I am. I don’t have to fake it to make someone happy. I’m an odd eighteen year old, fearful, careful, I don’t drink, smoke, or do stupid things. I think things thoroughly before I do them. And yet, I find fault in everything I do. Why must I torture myself with thoughts of “I can never do anything right”, “Why do I screw everything up?”, “Why can’t I be different?”, when I know that I can do things better. I can change myself, but why? I never change. Because… I’m afraid.
It holds me back from growing up. My mother calls me brave because of my diabetes, strong because I endure it, smart because I must remember these things everyday, funny, happy, bright, talented. but I constantly remind myself I am none of these things other than happy. I can’t be. I miss being who I was, who I could be. I don’t know anymore. I’m just a confused girl. I want to do things right, I don’t want my family to look down on me for being afraid. I don’t want to be a dependent-on-my-parents 20 year old. I can’t do that. And yet, how can this change? I don’t know anymore! Gosh, this all sounds so depressing. I don’t even know where it came from or where it was going. I’m generally not a depressed person. I’m happy, healthy, and cared for. I couldn’t ask for a better and more nurturing and loving family… And did you know? My AIC, this time a year ago was 7.3%. Now? 6.0%. I’ve worked hard, and I’m proud. Now I just need to figure out why this post is so depressing, and what to do with my life. I’m at a crossroads, and I don’t know where to go.