I’m in open rebellion

[Steve_Mann]

Hi. Been T1D for over 45 years. Am in reasonable shape and all things considered I’m in good health. But I’m rebelling big time. Like I’m done. had it. Leave me alone. Unplug devices, stop the meds. Let’s go play.

Now I can’t do the. NYTimes Sunday crossword puzzle but I’ve got some game and I know it’s foolhardy to passive aggressively attack yourself by not trying to take the best possible care of yourself but lately? I’m pissed!!!

I thought I had jettisoned this anger long ago but I guess not. Seems to have roared back with a vengeance. And I think it’s brcause of aging. As Grandma used to say “Steven dahlink, growing old isn’t for sissies” and dealing with trying to stay young or grow old kicking and screaming plus taking care of my diabetes. - not to mention all the assorted middle age ailments- god do I wish I could sleep thru the night (can you say BPH? Or is that TMI?) has just about tied me knots. I’m at the point where I know what to do but it hasn’t gotten any easier. In fact it’s harder.

I started meditating on the train ride into work - which wasn’t easy while sitting next to a loud person FaceTiming their GF about their slot losses at Mohegan Sun - found some value in that but I find creating new habits more difficult although I am now brushing my teeth for two minutes 3x a day.

Did I mention I have 10 year old triplets? 3 girls. I love them like no tomorrow but I’m not looking forward to puberty. I do have a plan though. I’m going to move to the Maldives and they can come visit - seriously- looking forward to them doting over me. But 3 more balls to juggle.

All this is to say, I have too many balls in the air and I’ve dropped the ones that count ,namely taking care of myself. It’s now a race to the bottom. I need help picking up those balls. I used to disparage community such as this but now I realize it was because there are those brave enough here to air those things that terrify me.

Anyone care to Help me pick up those balls?

Ok I feel better.

[Pastelpainter]

Oh, triplets, aren’t you lucky! You sure do have motivation to look after yourself with those little angels to plan for. My two daughters, in their 40s and 50s now, are my life support system. I couldn’t imagine life without them.

[Terry4]

Diabetes burnout is a real thing. Forty-five years is a long time to respond to any demand, especially one for which you did not volunteer. It’s as if diabetes puts a gun to our heads and gives us the choice: take insulin for the rest of your life or die now! Not much of a “choice” and resenting this outrageous inequity is completely rational to me.

Some people channel this rebellion by taking time limited vacations from diabetes. They might spend a weekend at a nice hotel, eat what they want including some forbidden treats, and only follow the minimum treatment plan. That might mean just taking your usual insulin doses with few finger-sticks. Anything that might create some mindspace to permit you to think about other things besides diabetes.

My burnout antidote, one that doesn’t work for everyone, is to hone my diabetes treatment skills so that I can treat diabetes more like a game. I take pleasure in watching my numbers and graphs. I know, it takes a certain level of dysfunction to wrap your head around this, but it works for me. I think – I didn’t pick this game of diabetes but since I must play it then I’m going to play it well, really well. I see diabetes as the mortal enemy that it is. I enjoy it when I can kick a$$ and take names with my diabetes.

One significant downside to my diabetes strategy is that it requires more time in the beginning. Once you acquire and perfect your skills, these tactics become habit and good quality time is returned to you for your other life’s interests. I say “quality time” because staying in a better blood sugar range will return more energy to enjoy family and other life pursuits.

This is something that you need to figure out for yourself. You might consider hiring a talk therapist to help sort out your feelings about this. You have a rich life to live with three young daughters. Good luck!

[Randy5]

WOW! Diabetes for 45 years and 10-year-old triplets, all you need to do now is start your own business.

I have my own speed bumps that turn into obstacles. They are a little different than yours. They kick my butt on a semi regular basis. I have quit trying to fight them. For me, they just are inevitable at this point in time, so I just step back, assess my reasons for being upset and usually take a short break from my routines. Just long enough to work through the emotional and mental issues. Things just seem to get worse and last longer if I push back too hard.

[Steve_Mann]

Thanks Terry… good insight… yeah, I’ve spoken to folks before… I need to
get back to it bc I get value out of it. I like your hotel idea… it
plays to my hedonistic side. Oh and BTW… the magic kid number is
actually 6… trips + 3…

[Lorraine]

Aw, @Steve_Mann - I’m so sorry. Diabetes is unrelenting and it’s so easy to want to ignore it. Is it wrong to say that although I don’t like that you’re going through this and have this frustration, I enjoyed your post and what comes across as at least a little balanced perspective of the craziness you’re going through.

I’ve found diabetes to be an unfair non-choice people who have it have to endure. Being able to vent and talk to people who understand sure does help. I hope you continue to find at least a little comfort through doing the same.

[Steve_Mann]

@lorraine thanks… I need to inject some levity when talking about
diabetes. Makes it easier. Saw my endo today and she says – lets get you
back on track – she knows I’m a performance nut… haven’t had an A1C
above 6.0 in the last 18 months – guarantee I broke my streak - Its all
about building a support system which i need to reinforce. I need more
vectors for good ideas to come my way. Keep it coming!

[Lorraine]

You’re here, so I suspect you are beyond the toughest part of getting back on track. Good for you!

On another note, I have three kids - 17, 15 and 12. I can’t compare three different aged kids to triplets, for sure, but I think not all hope is lost! You can do it! My two older kids are boys and pretty well-mannered ones. A friend told me 15/16 can be pretty rough and then just like that, you’ve got a mature, best friend. I had a couple challenges with my oldest - he’s at boarding school and is just a horrid communicator and had some stubborn moments. But good golly if it isn’t true that a switch flipped and he’s reasonable and measured and much more willing to consider that other people have views worth listening to. I think I got off easy.

[Steve_Mann]

So just a quick update on my rebellion… was at the endo last week – A1C was 5.7… go figure, perhaps I should rebel more often. I am somewhat recommitted but I still want a bourbon and pizza. Thanks so much for all of your support.

[Lorraine]

You must have great habits and strategies that are hard to break even if you think you aren’t paying as close attention as normal. Sounds like a bit of bourbon and pizza can fit in to the plan!

Thanks for updating us.

[Seydlitz]

Interestingly, what people describe as taking a ‘vacation’ from diabetes for a while is what the standard treatment for diabetes was like before the invention of the home glucometer in the 1980s. You took one insulin injection in the morning, a mix of NPH and Clear (or Toronto as it was sometimes called), and then, if you were a fanatic, you performed a few utterly useless and uninformative urine sugar tests during the day, which essentially told you how much fluid you had been drinking to dilute the urine sugar, and that was it. The only point of the urine sugars was to have a record for the doctors, who wanted to discipline and punish the patients, even though they knew as well as we did that the urine sugars were useless.

Managing the disease in those days was such a light task that one of the greatest dangers was forgetting about it completely, and now and then it would suddenly dawn on me at around noontime that I had forgotten to take insulin that morning. No chance of that happening today.