I need a lesson in forgiveness

My mother and I are like oil and water, always have been. But at 47 years old I have learned to manage our relationship in a civil manner.
We love each other, there is no doubt, we just don't get along and based on results never will.
Almost 2 years ago, my mother's best friend made the situation worse for us. She betrayed my mother by telling me things that my mother had said about me in confidence and my reaction which of course was anger and I said some things I truly felt but should not have said out loud, let along to this particular person, who couldn't wait to relay it all. This caused an even bigger rift between my parents and I, especially my mother, and it will never be the same.

Thanks giving came and gone and I did not go to my parents for it... as this person was going to be there. Every time I think of her, my blood boils and I get angry all over again. Every time I see her face I want to wrap my hands around her throat and shake her until she is blue.
Today my father asked if I was going to come for xmas, and that this person was going to be there. I don't want to go, I will but I am starting to get anxiety over it. I told him I want NOTHING to do with this woman, and that she had better keep away from me while I am there. I will be as civil as best I can but I wont make any promises as I have LOTS I would like to say to her. ( none of it will be pleasant)
I am a very kind person, and I get along with most everyone, this is the exception. MY blood sugars are rising as I am typing this...I want to forgive and forget but I just don't have it for this person and likely never will. Maybe someone out there has some advice as to how I may get to forgiveness with this person before my health takes another beating.

Her own family wants nothing to do with her so she is invading my space....I have never felt this much contempt for someone as I do her.

Karebear, forgiveness is one of the hardest things to teach and to learn. I still have a child that refuses to forgive anyone who has wronged her. Along with that add a very accurate memory on the subject and you can see the mess I have dealt with regarding her. I know there are things that she has never forgiven me for.

First, you know you bear a measure of responsibility. You mentioned that you should have never said those things about your mom. step one is to forgive yourself. You will not be able to forgive anyone else if you can't first forgive yourself.

Second, you must forgive your mom for all she has said or done in the past. Note here that we are not talking about your mom forgiving you. You must forgive her.

Last, the other woman, yes you have to forgive her as well. Only by doing this can you let the hate and anger leave you.

Remember something else, forgiving someone does not mean you forget. Don't let this other person bait you again. I feel that is what she was doing in the first place. You would be right never to talk to this person again. The hell with being civil. Just say hi and keep on walking.

Of course I understand my part in all of this...and I do forgive myself for allowing to be baited into something I didn't want any part of. I even forgive my mother for everything she has said and done in the past, the trouble with this for me is, if I do something wrong,and am aware of it, I will apologise and make a mental note not to do it again. My mother, and her friend are continuing on and expect me to be ok with it. And by continuing on I mean doing the same behavior.
I have enough to deal with, health wise and I am sure you understand more than my family what stress does to our health... I wouldlike them to stop shoving this person in my face and expect me to be ok with it all. I dont have to like everyone, and I choose not to be with people that I find are destructive to me and my family. If they want to be friends with her fine... but dont demand that I get along and make nice with her. (I am referring to my parents demands not yours) I guess thats what I am really angry about more than anything.
I just want them to respect my wishes and my boundries. Something my parents never have done...it was always "be seen and not heard" growing up. Since I wrote this post, I wrote an email to my parents... explaining how I feel about the whole thing. I haven't gotten a response yet... this should be interesting.. LOL I thank you for your imput!

PS I am not sorry for what I said about my mother, I am only sorry that I said it out loud. These are things I should have said years ago but never had the guts to, and she really does need to hear it. But I feel that after all this time, what would be the point?? She doesn't have an accountable bone in her body and I have never ever heard an apology from her, thats just the way she is. I love her, I just don't like her. I treat her with respect and she will answer for her actions one day...not my place to make that happen. She is my mother. I do love her. and I know she loves me in her own way.

And she is never goinig to have an accountable bone in her body either. Your not sorry for the things you said about your mom (albeit just saying it out loud) and your mom is probably not sorry for the way she acts either. That my friend is an cavern that will probably never be breached.

As far as the other person goes if you need to be blunt...be blunt. "Look mom, I just don't want to be around her." No loud voice. Just state is kind of matter of fact. Then say excuse me and walk away.

Your mom will probably get upset about you doing it but don't get into all the things the person does to bother you because it's your mom's friend and she is not going to see things the way you do.

I think you probably have things right about your mom. Good luck and I am praying for you.

Still haven't gotten a response from my email... either they are super mad or don't know what to say... either way it felt good getting it off my chest! And again, thank you for your input.

Hey Karebear it ain't no problem. I did have a close friend who died and was always depressed because someone he had wronged never forgave him. We can forgive but the return forgiveness is up to the other individual. They can never say you didn't tell them. Be at peace and enjoy your Christmas despite them.

Well I got a response from my email... I was asked not to come.No surprise there. And quite frankly... I feel relieved.

That does kind of tell you where you stand. I was raised that family came first and spent many a holiday and other parties with people I didn't like. At least you don't have to go through that. So enjoy your Christmas. You deserve it.

Yes, I am pretty darn clear on where I stand. Kind of ironic that the one thing I admire about my parents who have been married for 51 years is their loyalty to each other. Kinda sad they don't include their only child inside of that protective bubble. But, on the other hand I get to spend xmas in a peaceful state, with no BS.!!!

Karebare I’m sorry that yo u re going through this and insure its reeking havoc with your sugars. Holidays can be so stressful. I hope someday you can find peace with this. It totally sucks when family sides with someone over their own child. I’m sorry for you.