I should be happy

Today I got some great news. I am getting the omnipod! You would think that after all this fighting with insurance and everything that I would be happier. Instead I feel like crying...

Jess went and had an informal interview with COR. I so badly want this to work for her so she can be out of Eaglemount and all the stress that comes with it. But I was also hoping for a pay increase. Our family lives comfortably on what she makes now but it doesn't give us any room to save. We are always barely making it and it is only a matter of time before Vanessa takes away my income. I also am so very selfish. I want a new vehicle and if she doesn't start making any more than that is pretty much out of the question until I graduate. I want the freedom to be able to leave town if I need/want to. I want to be able to say, "Jess, stay on the mountain this weekend. Abby and I are going to go visit my parents." I want to know that I have something reliable and isn't costing us a small fortune in gas. We don't need it... it would just be nice.

School is going so well this semester, I must add. Everything has just kind of fallen into place, and I really don't feel like I am taking 18 credits. For some reason, that has me stressed as well. I feel like I am always forgetting something or haven't done a good enough job. I am working so hard on my art resource unit because I feel like I should be working hard on something. I sound so crazy, even to myself. I probably should have gone to school today but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The house and the weather seem so gloomy right now and I just want it to all stop.

Maybe its the lack of Vitamin D that has me all depressed. I want my family to have everything that they need. I know that going to school will pay off in the end but right now it is costing us so much! I want a job that helps support our wonderful family. I want everyone to be happy and healthy. I want our lives to be easy and carefree. I want too much right now and it is overwhelming.

Abby is frustrating too... I am so tired of the attitude. Jess says she went through the same stuff with her and it took Abby realizing that she wasn't going to put with it anymore for it to stop. I am beyond that point. If I had acted that way, my mother would have beat me... but I won't do that. I feel so unprepared sometimes, but then I think, "no one else that is raising their first teenager can possibly be much more prepared than myself." Abby has to understand that she is growing up and more is expected of her. I just don't know how to get her to do that without the attitude.

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and then having a really good cry... too bad life doesn't work that way...