I thought i had "bought in"

Hell everyone, i havent been on here in about a week because i was on making my way to the states from spain. and this is where my problem lies. i live and was diagnosed in seville. i am t1 for seven months now and while reaaly scary at first, ive settled in and things are good. ive got used to eating out and counting carbs, still honeymooning and after some anger im alright about this.

i went down to malaga for a couple of days and everything was fine there.

and then i got to my family in new york. i was here for xmas but i was three weeks into it and it was a bit different. im here now, almost a pro, and i am having such a hard time with this D, psychologically. it is like going back to the beginning, being angry again, feeling very hard done by. a couple of months ago i was able to get by without fast acting, just on basal and im doing everything i can to not take fast acting now, trying to "teach this diabetes a lesson", living on coffee and salad. part of it is being angry and feeling out of control again, feeling very deprived with all the nyc/usa food (think pizza, italian ices, 8 gazillion flavours of ice cream) and then im afraid im going to get fat here, because it happens any summer im here! this is not buying in.

my mom is the most wonderful person in the world, generous and fun but cannot understand D, saying things like, "at least its not cancer", and "you just have to deal with it". ugggh. she is a nurse!

i am disappointed in myself for feeling like this. i know i am not the first one to feel this way, but really? i dont want to be on holiday and not be on holiday from diabetes. this is not buying in. im going backwards. any advice to get myself going forwards again?

The one thing to recognize about feelings, is they aren't always logical or what we'd like to be feeling. They are what they are. So I wouldn't beat up on yourself because you are having a hard time emotionally, it just makes it worse. I wouldn't think of it as "going backwards". With a new diagnosis you may be "mourning" your prior non-D life. And mourning has a schedule all its own. One day you feel you are moving beyond it and then something triggers it and it's back full force. Perhaps for you it's being in New York which has certain associations for you including food ones.

So my suggestion is to feel what you feel. Including frustrations with your mom for not understanding; most non-D's don't, and being a nurse is no guarantee - if anything it can be worse because they know enough to think they understand, but they don't. Don't be disappointed in yourself because 7 months in you don't have it all down to perfection. Because guess what, people at 7 years and 20 years have periods where they struggle too whether emotionally, physically or both.

Imho, you are bought in because you are feeling your feelings, posting on here and trying to find your way through to what works for you. This summer in New York won't be the same as other summers - in some ways worse because you probably won't get to enjoy the italian ice - in some ways better because you are more invested in healthy eating to control your D, and probably won't gain weight this year. But mainly it will be just different.

Why are you "doing everything you can to not take fast acting"? The basal/bolus regimen is how Type 1's help their pancreas to do what non-D's do normally. Living on coffee and salad to "teach this diabetes a lesson" won't do anything except make you crave those NYC goodies more. D never gets "taught a lesson". But we do. And, imho, the lesson for you is to give yourself a break and to live and enjoy your life, in NYC, Spain or wherever.

On a lighter note - I've spent summers in NYC and my question to you is "why?" ::::shudder:::: sorry - I'm a happily transplanted Californian.

Hi Pancreaswanted: I think that grieving takes a long time, longer than most of us would care to admit. And you have not yet passed the year mark, so please be gentle with yourself during this period of adjustment to your new life. And it is a new life. Just my 2 cents, but I would not recommend starving yourself to stay off of bolus insulin to "teach this diabetes a lesson." You are the only one harmed.

People said really stupid things to me soon after I was diagnosed. My mother said, "at least you are not paralyzed." Big help. Other people said mean things. I can only say that IMO we are very vulnerable when newly diagnosed, but with time these dumb comments can be water off a [diabetic] duck's back.

Looking back at my diagnosis, I felt like I had died. The first year I went through a grieving process. I can clearly recognize going through the five stages of grief as defined by Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross. Those stages are D'Nial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They don't all happen at once or in stages, but I clearly felt all of them. Perhaps your trying to not take fast acting is part of your "bargaining."

And although today, years after my diagnosis I still have some of those feelings, I do feel better and accept who I am. The person who I was before diagnosis is gone, but I do believe I came out of this a stronger person. I might even argue that it "saved" me since I now pay much more attention to my health, my diet and exercise.

thanks so much for your replies. it means so much to have speople know what i am going through, surprising that people who know me in the flesh, who are so close to me, just dont get it. i know i have to be patient with them, that i wouldnt understand this if i didnt have it.
zoe, i grew up in nyc so its just home, and yes, i associate it with family and friends, and socialising. ive lived in europe for 13 years and my "america time" at xmas and in the summer is catching up with people and filling up on bagels and pancakes and everything else i cant get living abroad. it WILL be different this year.

im back to bolusing today and maybe eating normally will make me feel less deprived and more normal. melitta, i have yet to hear the paralyzed comment, water off a ducks back, water off a ducks back, water off a ducks back....

i think bsc, you are right! i went to read up on the stages of grief and wow, do i sound like a good bargainer! i feel like not taking the fast acting makes me less diabetic. i know, it wont teach diabetes any lessons, but i feel like im taking my anger out on the diabetes, even tho its really me whos going to get it in the neck.

thank you again so much, there are many times where ive had to come here for practical advice but i think this has helped as much, if not more, than that!

happy summer,

oh, and zoe, just here another couple of days, then off to south carolina for the rest of the summer to beaches and mahi mahi every day...:)

Sounds like you are having a great summer!Enjoy the beaches and the seafood! I only lived in Guatemala two years but I definitely remembered that feeling of returning to the U.S. (California for me) and catching up with friends as well as getting all the things I couldn't get in Central America (probably more things than in Europe!). With time those things will just become other things. (I desperately missed the variety of gourmet cheeses).