I'm here and alive

I haven’t been able to come on for some time now. I’ve been dealing with major depression and trying different medications to heal so to speak the issue. the medication I am on now is slowly working. The only side effects of it is I will be more hungry than before. And boy am I hungry all the time. I have to train my brain “no more food or your gonna get fat!”. well, I have porked on a few pounds since starting it. But at least for meals I can eat bigger portions so I dont feel hungry.

I am still job hunting unfortunately and applying for rental assistance. Its shocking how many organizations turn their backs on you and say no they cant help due to insufficient amount of money I make. Isn’t that the whole point of rental assistance? right now I am working with Deaf Inc, in getting housing. I am shooting for a 1 bedroom as I am embarrassed in living in a studio. Although its perfect for me only and my lovely cat but to have guest over, its not much room. my boyfriend has no place to really sit when he comes over except for the bed or the chair in the kitchen. So I feel embarrassed. I rather have a bedroom where I can close the door and no one can see the bed instead of saying “hey sit on my bed”. I also need to get my brain to distinguish the difference between bed space and living room space. Meaning, I have trouble falling asleep as I use my bed as my couch. But the new medication I am on helps with the sleeping. Although I sleep a bit better at my boyfriend’s place than I do at mine and thats because he has an actual living room. So my brain knows living room is not to sleep in, bedroom is.

Job hunting is really slow even though I have updated/fixed my resume with the help of the career center near me. I am hoping my meeting on Monday with an HR personnel at a major hospital in my city can give me guidelines and feedback on how I can get my foot in the door at that hospital. I hope seeing my personality can shine through in him saying “hold on, let me call so and so”. I’ll be printing off a copy of my resume and dressing up as if I am going to an interview. Even nursing homes that are reachable to me is only hiring those with experience :(. I’m trying to figure out how to gain experience and not lose my mind as the job I am at now isn’t worth the pay! I tried to find another part time job but again the experience thing comes in. So I am just overall frustrated as what I am suppose to do. I need to be able to pay my rent, pay my bills, etc. So my anxiety level is quite high these days.

In other news, I am liking the pump and never ever want to go back to shots! The last appt I went to at Joslin, we adjusted the basal so my #s can come down a bit better. my basel goes like this, midnight - 4am: .850, 4am - 8am:1.0, 8am - midnight: .750.Which seems to lower the #s not reading in the 300s. So that makes me much happier. But then I am using a wee bit more insulin. which I am fine with as long as I keep the #s down. I am sure once I get a perm job, my activity level will be much higher and I’ll lower the basals and not need much insulin for meals, etc.

So with the mix of whats going on, I am not myself. I do feel that I am at a place that I shouldn’t be and need to be in a better place but not so sure how to get there as no one wants to help at all. I get quite frustrated. I keep saying “things will get better” but it seems that things just get worse! I thought this year was suppose to be a better year than 2010 but its about the same in nature. I just hope the 2nd half of the year proves me wrong.