I'm so sick of hearing myself whine yet I can't stop

I’m so sick of hearing myself whine; so, of course, I go to a web site to air my pathetically dirty laundry. But I feel like I have to vent or I’m going to explode.

I have been fighting depression for most of my childhood and adult life, along with weight and continually worsening binge eating. Even though I was heavy, I was a great runner when I was run and basically was able to push through the limitations of my weight by shear will power. Compulsive overeating and server depression have taken their toll, however; now, I am just under 400lbs and 42 years old and can’t even keep up with my seven year old son.

I am pre-diabetic, but with the exception of leaving my son without a father too early in his life, I really don’t give a rat’s rip. Thoughts of suicide have been present but not overwhelming; urges of self-harm have been overwhelming, although probably delving into them here is not the best. It is sufficient to say that I can’t stand myself and I feel like I deserve all the pain I get.

And, I am repulsed that someone who seem so functional to people on the outside and who others look up to for comfort and guidance is such a whiny, pathetic mess. I am a failure to my family; I probably going to end up getting full-blown diabetes along with all the other medical issues that will financially and spiritually ruin my family. I am just sick of it and of myself.

hey yumacat it sounds like you have a major delema going on.your dealing with 2 seperate problems as do I I’m border lined type2/1 diabetes with diagnosed major depression and ptsd [post tramatic stress disorder] so your not alone and I can understand how your feeling. why are you so angry with your self is what I dont understand ? the diabetes.and the depression yes but at your self

First, let me say - whine all you want. In fact, the more you whine here (& other safe places) the better for you, IMHO.

Second, I’m sorry you are hurting so much. Depression/overeating/pre-diabetes & whatever else you are dealing with sucks, and I’m sorry you have to deal with any of it.

Finally, give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can with what you have. I always try to tell myself to treat myself as I would a friend - I would never call a friend a “whiny, pathetic mess” or a “failure to my family”. Of course, that only works some of the time. :slight_smile: But it’s a goal I strive for.

I don’t know if any of the above helps. If it does, great. If not, keep posting here, whining all you want, and maybe someone else will be able to make things just a little better.

I agree with the others who tell you to whine all you want. Getting your feelings out in the open is the first step, and a very important one.

I have had major depressive disorder since I was in the 5th grade, and I’ve done quite a bit of reading on depression, and there are no clear-cut answers. It seems to be a mixture of life experiences and brain chemical/genetic disorder – and some of us are just more susceptible to it than others. You are absolutely not alone in these awful feelings!

Since I am not a doctor, I can’t tell you what will work for you, but only what has worked for me. First off, I have to tell you that no solution is perfect – even though I’m being treated with antidepressants, and psychological counseling, the depression still slips under the fence at times, and makes me miserable. But on the other hand, I have not been unbearably suicidal since I started treatment. If I’m not suicidal, then I can slog it through, day by day, until the depression lifts.

There are zillions of anti-depressants out there, and while every medication on the books has side effects for someone, I have been able to find medications that do not have side effects for ME, and I’m all that counts. I have a psychiatrist who works WITH me, and pays attention to what’s happening with me – they’re not all so “into” their patients, so it may be necessary to try more than one. But for me, finding a psychiatrist was step number two (acknowledging the problem, as you are doing, was step number one) – even though I suffered from depression since childhood, I didn’t actually start getting treatment until I was in my 40’s, and it HAS made a great difference.

Step number three is the psychologist. Again, there are a lot more bad ones than good ones out there – I went through 4 of them before I found my current one. What he does is help me open up and get current with my feelings – until I can express my feelings and verbalize them (your whininess?) I can’t deal with how to combat the factors that are making me feel that way. I am working on loving myself – seeing value in myself, accepting my appearance (objectively, I don’t think I’m either fat or ugly, but the FEELINGS are there), accepting my life – lots and lots of issues, too many to go into here. I’m not going to say it’s easy, and being who I am, I cry almost every time I go see him. It’s PAINFUL, but so is surgery to remove a cancer. Those awful feelings are cancers in your life, and you need help in getting rid of them. I know I can’t do it myself, and I tried for years, and I came to acknowledge I needed help. And it HAS helped.

As far as weight, that is a tough one, because once you become so overweight, your body develops strong biological mechanisms to keep that weight on. It’s NOT just will power and “eat less, move more”. There is a blog by Dr. Arya Sharma, who addresses the problems of people with obesity in a very caring and compassionate way. Please google him and read what he has to say. It’s NOT your fault, although a psychologist CAN help you if you have problems with binge eating. But self-acceptance is very important for the overweight – plug your ears and shut your eyes when you see magazine articles and TV shows about it – they’re all WRONG, and all they can do is make you feel worse about yourself.

I find that when I eat a low-carb diet, I don’t crave carbs. But when I’m depressed, I crave them and start to binge. I almost killed myself last year by bingeing on carbs and not taking my insulin regularly. If some friends hadn’t come looking for me when I didn’t show up for a picnic, I would have died by morning. As it was, they got me to the ER, and they managed to save my life. That kind of experience is really not worth it. A couple of weeks ago, I went into another depression and binged again, but this time, I was smart enough to go see my psychiatrist, who put me back on a med I had stopped when I was feeling well, and it’s working, and I’m definitely feeling better, and have stopped bingeing. If I need meds, so be it – who cares what the anti-med people say – THEY’RE not the ones who are suffering!

As far as diabetes, do whatever you need to do. If you can manage low-carb (read the book by Dr. Richard K. Bernstein called the Diabetes Solution), do it. If you can manage even a little exercise, do it. All you can do is your best. And keep in touch with your doc about it – if it develops into full-blown diabetes, remember that people can live full and happy lives with diabetes. It’s NOT an automatic sentence to disability and death. Depression is FAR more devastating than diabetes, and I’ve been living with depression for 53 years and diabetes for 20. If I could get rid of just one of them, it would definitely be the depression, because I can manage diabetes. So what if I take insulin – it’s my life-saver, and keeps me alive, and as long as I am alive and not depressed, life is good!

Please work on what you can, and keep in touch with us. You ARE a worthwhile person, even if you don’t feel like it, and even if you can’t find the power to believe me. I know that the depression is just voices telling you outright LIES, and I’m not that dishonest! I’m telling you the truth. YOU MATTER!!!

Whine all you want, it’s ok you have to get it out. That’s what this board is for. I feel like I whine all the time too, but it sure feels better then keeping it in. You are not a failure and you do not deserve pain. Right now it sounds like everything has piled up on you. Take a deep breath and take it easy. Think of one good thing in your life. How about your son? I think that would be a good thing. Then take baby steps. Each day think of a good thing in your life. Look yourself in the mirror and say " I am a wonderful, worthwhile person", because you are! God doesn’t make junk. I am sorry u are in so much pain right now. Know u are not alone. Keep posting all u want on this board. The people here really do understand. Let us know how u are doing and remember you are a worthwhile person who deserves good things. You matter!