I'm Terrified

For as long as I can remember, I've been preoccupied with my weight and body. I've always been obsessed with looking perfect. In middle school I remember trying to squeeze myself into pants that were a size too small and putting on a bulky sweatshirt so no one could tell they didn't fit. In high school it was all about trying to be the pretty, popular girl by spending hours in front of the mirror attempting to make myself beautiful. I always cared more about what I looked like over anything else. My goal in life was to be a model. I've always criticized my body very harshly. I forced myself to only eat an apple a day. Some days I would allow myself 5 crackers. I remember being obsessed with how flat my stomach was getting. I loved that we had basketball practice everyday, I would burn more calories. I was freezing all the time and hungry. Of course my brain wouldn't let me constrict for too long. I would decide I didnt care what people thought of me and I would eat my heart out. In college I gained the typical freshman 15 (more like 20 or 30). I went through the worst time in my life including full blown depression. What fueled it was the fact that I gained so much weight and I desperately tried to find someone to love me, but no luck. When I started coming out of the depression, my mom noticed I had been losing weight. I hadn't been trying to and, of course, later found out it was because I had Type 1 Diabetes. So fueled my weight obsession once again. I very quickly realized that I had been losing weight because my blood sugar was high. Since diagnoses I have been on a cycle of eating healthy, constricting food intake, deciding to not care and eating whatever I want, then feeling bad and restricting insulin.

the last few weeks I started eating healthy and lost a couple pounds from that. That made me want to lose more, so I started cutting way back on my calories, but was still eating healthy food. I was losing even more weight. Six pounds in just a few weeks. I loved the attention I was getting. But now I'm hungry. I'm cutting my calories during the day, but so hungry at night, so I start eating, but feel guilty, so I restrict insulin.

for whatever reason this time is different. I'm seriously terrified to gain weight. I don't want to gain the weight back that I just lost. I'm terrified that it's going to be like this forever. Why do I care so much what other people think of me? Why do I feel like I have to be so thin? I don't know the answers. I've never had so much anxiety over eating and being afraid that I might put on a pound. I'm terrified that this obsession is gojng to kill me, especially because of manipulating blood sugar, but I can't stop.

this morning I had a package of raspberries I brought for breakfast. I literally agonized over whether or not to eat them for an hour. So my solution? Eat them, but don't take insulin. Maybe then I'll keep losing weight.

I posted in the forum earlier this week. I honestly didn't intend for people to comment on the restricting of insulin. I just wanted to know how my blood sugar brought itself down.. People were saying I have an eating disorder. Saying that I have an eating disorder makes me feel like a 15 year old. It makes me feel embarrassed. When I think of an eating disorder it makes me think of a young girl who is doing it for attention. That's not me. I don't fit into that category.

Anyway, if you read all of this, I apologize for it being so long. I just needed an outlet and the anonymity of the internet is perfect. It's my secret in real life' but I needed to get my thoughts out.

Well, to me, it does sound like you have a full-blown eating disorder. But ED is not confined to teenagers, nor do they do it for attention. It is a genuine psychological problem, and there IS help available. Heck, I should know -- I'm SIXTY-FOUR years old, and I developed an eating disorder 2 years ago. It has a lot to do with my diabetes, not my weight (or at least not very much) but I did much the same thing as you describe. But the good news is that there IS help for it. I don't remember if there is an ED group here (although you could search for it and see), but there is a very good group on Facebook called Diabetics With Eating Disorders. So I would recommend checking out that group, and doing some research about treatment. Age doesn't matter, believe me! And don't be embarrassed -- it affects people of all ages and both genders. And I'd really like to see you get help for it! Keeping you in my thoughts!

I am really proud of you. The first step in getting better (from anything) is recognizing you have a problem. Even if you feel safe here, what really matters is being honest with yourself. In addition to the suggestion from Natalie, our fellow member Ginger Vieira just wrote a book "Emotional Eating with Diabetes." I hope you know that you are not alone.

Although I know you don't want to hear it, yours is a eating disorder. Afraid that's what being terrified to eat, binging & restricting is. Hoping you posted because you're looking for help, in addition to needing a safe place to get it out. ED comes in all shapes & ages. You've been agonizing over this for a long time & time to address it head on. It doesn't have to last forever.

You already know the risks, so no need for scare tactics. It's hard to tackle & there will ups & downs, but you sound like someone with courage.

What you have is what I have and it’s called diabulimia. I was just like you and now I’m 44. I have horrible complications from doing what you do. Playing with my sugars and omitting my insulin to lose weight. Losing weight and being skinny was the most important thing to me. Unfortunately it still is to some degree but let me tell you what doing all that did to me. I now suffer from gastroparesis. I was unable to eat for 4 years and I had a feeding tube placed in my belly and had to hook up to a machine that pumped nutrition into me over 6 hours a day. After that I had to have a pacemaker placed in my stomach and it helped me eat gain. I had that put in in 2004. I am able to eat again but I am literally in the hospital on an average of every two weeks in the emergency room. The longest I have stayed out of the hospital was for 3 months and that was only one time. I am constantly in and out of the hospital. I got skinny for sure. Down to a very ugly 85 lbs. but I looked gross and had a tube hanging out of my stomach. I am now considered disabled and I can’t even work. It sucks. I would highly advise getting into therapy. If you can eat normal and healthy you shouldn’t gain weight in the first place. I try to do my best now and I’m pretty good. Trust me the complications that you will get down the road are not worth the few lbs now!

Not 6 hours… 16 hours a day!

Reading what you wrote above feels like looking in the mirror .. I don't know how long u'vw beeen feeling like that and being like that, but I've been there for nearly 7 years :S
And I know exactly how it feels when you really want to eat something *even if i don't crave it sometimes I just eat for no reason and without being hungry too* youjust wish if u could just eat it and not gain weigth at the same time .. so here comes the Magical solution of not taking ur insulin .. which is the solution for everything !! Well .. This is just wrong and for us .. i guess being able to admit that sth is wrong that's a START !!
May I just ask how old u are nw and how long have u been restricting ur insulin as a solution ??? I am 19 and this thing about ur first year of college .. that's what happened to me last year .. but I think we shouldn't be looking for someone to love u .. you should love urself first and trear it as another person .. someone u really love and u should respect it and hate what u r doing with it .. you are literally torturing ur body .. ur only permenant property in life .. Our health is all what we have !!

I'm telling u all this while I am no place near controlling myself .. but i've just joined this site to try to help my self to get better and here I am saying things that never came up to my mind except when i saw ur post and thought we shouldn't do this on our own .. we should all help eachother ! And whenever u need any support I and everyone here will be here for you :)

Don't worry and SMILE !! You are going to get over this and so am I !! :)

Wow, thank you all so much for commenting and trying to help me. I really appreciate this since I can't really talk about it to anyone else. My close friends and family get mad at me if I tell them what I've been doing and they don't support and try to help. I've spent the last week or so trying to come to grips with what it is I'm actually doing to myself. I know it's bad for me and I know I'm doing damage and I hate that. I don't know why I care so much about looking perfect.

I was diagnosed with Type 1 a couple months after my 21st birthday. I am now 27. I have been restricting on and off pretty much the whole time, however my obsession has been going on since I was in middle school. Most of the time it's not intentional. It was more like, well, if I eat this pizza, I know it will mess with my blood sugar, but oh well.

I don't know. It's hard. And I think one of the hardest things is that controlling blood sugar normally is so hard, and my friends and family don't get that. So my thought is that since I can try and try to have normal blood sugar, some days it's high for no reason, so what's the point? Ugh, this sucks. I wish I wasn't such a mental case.

You're right -- it sucks. And the people who get mad at you when you talk about it are probably both scared and ignorant about what to say or do to help you.

That's why it's really important to get into a treatment program or consult with a therapist who has experience in diabetes and eating disorders. Having an eating disorder without diabetes is hard enough; the diabetes makes it 1000 times worse.

I know; I've been there, in my own way, and I understand the struggle. It's actually NOT possible to have normal BGs 100% of the time, but it IS possible to have good BGs most of the time. And that involves modifying your diet -- pizza is one of the hardest foods to adjust your insulin for, so I'm not surprised that you mentioned pizza. It's important to know the carb content in foods, and also the fat content -- some ED programs want you to ignore that and just guess, but I find that impossible. I have to know. For me, the issue is that I know, and I need to take as much insulin as necessary for what I know. And I often don't want to. For you, the issue might be totally different. But if you can identify your issues and come up with strategies to fight them, that would be a good start. And a therapist or program could really help if they were the right ones.

Good luck!