I'm Tired and Scared and Overwhelmed

I was diagnosed nearly 12 years ago with type 1 diabetes. There is no history of this in my family. I'm the only one.

Living this life has definitely been a journey. I've stumbled, but picked myself back up countless times. Over the past 12 years, I've been through insulin shock comas (6 times), ketoacidosis (4 times that I can remember), allergies to insulin pump cannulas (causing some of those Dka), insulin resistance to Humalog, Regular, Apidra, scar tissue on my abdomen from the infections, diabulemia, anorexia, cutting, allergies to Lantus (causing some of the insulin shock comas) etc.

I just couldn't find my way.

About a year ago, I finally started to get things back together. I brought my A1c down from 10.0 to 8.6, and that was so tiring in itself!

Now, I'm struggling with the insulin resistance. It can take HOURS for my high BG to come down, no matter how much insulin I inject, nothing seems to work. If I do strenuous exercise, my BG goes UP. If I skip ONE meal, my BG goes UP.

Over the past six months, I've split my Levemir dosage and increased it. I've switched from Humalog BACK to Apidra, I've started the Dexcom 7+ and tested the OmniPod.

While being on the OmniPod sounds fantastic, I'm afraid to take out the Levemir because of the resistance to the Apidra.

I'm afraid.

Over the past 6 months, I've seen my carb ratios fluxuate almost inhumanely. Every single day is different from the next. I can eat the same meal at the same time every single day, and my BG will still plummet down to 35 or skyrocket to 250 in almost an instant.

If I eat carbs after 3:00 pm, I pay the price with high BG for HOURS regardless of how much carbs I eat- as little as 10g will suddenly raise me from a stable 96 to a stable 250. I CANT GET IT DOWN for HOURS after. No matter how many injections.

This is THREE hours after a LOW CARB meal after 3:00

Or this is another example:

I went through the Gastric Emptying study yesterday. Waiting on the results from my Endo today.

I'm struggling. Bad.

I'm overwhelmed. My Endo doesn't know what to do with me. My family is a great support system, but even their kind words and shoulders to lean on aren't going to help my BG readings.

I want kids. I want to feel good. I want to be better, but I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems like the harder I try, the worse it gets?

I'm trying to stay positive, but right now- frankly, I just want to cry.

I know I'm usually the bubbly, chipper, knowledgable, "go-getter" but I just can't get into that mindset right now. And I apologize for that.