It's Going Around

I wasn’t planning to post anything today, but reading Kerri’s post yesterday, and Scott’s post today struck a nerve. Their words echoed what I’ve been feeling for a while now, and I started looking a little harder at my own situation. I realized that I’m not doing anyone any favors - especially not myself - by not talking about what’s going on.

I’ve got a touch of the Diabetes Burnout, folks.

It’s horrible timing, too, for me to not be testing as often - as I mentioned yesterday, I’m not consistently feeling low symptoms the way I used to. I’m still wearing Jim (my Dexcom CGM) all the time, so I think that somewhere in my mind, I’m softening it for myself: “It could be worse.” The problem is, it could also be a lot better.

I talked about getting back on the horse (or unicorn, if you prefer) a couple of weeks ago, and I had hoped that writing a blog post about it would be the accountability nudge I needed to ramp things back up.

"Seriously, Kim, I'm right here.
Ready when you are. Anytime now."

But it didn't work. I'm still not "feeling it" when it comes to the super-attentive self-care I once had. I'm still doing the necessities - taking insulin (though not usually 15 minutes before eating anymore - something changed, and now doing that makes me go low before eating), taking pills, and doing a fasting BG check.

Past that? It's a bit of a jumble. It's "Jim is probably right". It's "I'll test in 10 minutes", but I space it off, and 10 minutes become a few hours. It's "This looks like 65 carbs. Yep." It's "I'd rather eat something right now to head off this low, than take 20 seconds to pull out my pump and decrease my basal rate". There is slackery of epic proportions going on here, and when I start to think about where I was a few months ago, and where I am now, it's a bit of a downer.

When you then throw in my wish to start a family sometime in the near future, it transitions from downer to "What the heck are you doing?". Except that my response to that right now is: "Meh."

I haven't had any ODST requests thrown my way lately, and I'm embarrassed to say that I'm a little glad for that. How do you comfort, guide, or otherwise advise someone else who is struggling, when you can't even get your own sheet together? (And by "sheet", I mean a logbook, of course. Wait, no I don't.)

Then last night, while at dinner with friends, I mentioned wanting to have a party (and cake, dammit) for my 25-year diabetes anniversary coming up in April - to which I was met with blank stares. No one seemed to get why I'd want to celebrate that, much less with cake. I don't expect everyone to understand this whole diabetes thing, but it wasn't the response I expected. The whole thing left me feeling a bit down.

I've got an appointment with my P.A. tomorrow (who plays the part of endocrinologist for me), and I'm hoping she has some ideas - because I'm all out.

Hey Hon I was having a" burn out" eppisode earlier this year. What I did was tell myself YOU CAN DO THIS although other’s say you can’t. PROVE IT TO YOURSELF!!! The way I came off looking at it it was going to make me proud of myself (something nobody else could do for me) And as for your anniversey cake…Go ahead and do it. No ome else may get a clue but you know what it’s for the rest will just like to party! LOL!

Give yourself some space. So long as you are doing what NEEDS to be done you can lapse the systemic vigilance that we approach the D with. It can be tough to stand "on" all the time. But you do have to realize when you've let it go too long. It's the end of the year and the holidays are a stressful time of year. Sometimes you just reach your limit. You mentioned that you would like to have a baby soon. I have a feeling that that will be the thing that will bring your attention back to your management. The motivation to practice the necessary monitoring, planning, and day-to-day adjustments does have to come from inside you. If you're not up for it, it won't happen. The reason we motivate may be external, but the will to do it comes from within.

Your friends don't get this D thing. Why would you want to celebrate something that has caused you so many changes and has placed so many requirements on your day-to-day? You want to have a party and a cake, DO IT. While they enjoy their cake you can explain to them why you've taken ownership of this and have decided to make it an occassion to be marked and acknowledged. It's a big deal. It's a lot healthier for you to make it a positive experience than dwelling on the negative aspects.

I love the idea of a diabetes anniversary cake!! Except I wouldn't be eating any :-( I could celebrate my "possible" diagnosis, Aug. 19, 1992, or my pump anniversary Mar. 17, 1999. I think I prefer the latter! :-)

I agree with the concept that you can't be "on" all the time. As long as you are doing the necessary things to keep yourself alive and walking and talking with a clear head, and no ER parties, you might not need to be as vigilant as at other times.

I find that, when I really don't want to test, the CGM at least gives me an idea of where I am -- it's not precise, but if it stays below 120, then I know at least I'm not in the 200's. Or even in the 160's.

This time of year, especially, I think we all need to give ourselves a break -- this is the dark of winter, when the ancient people were all huddled around their campfires, praying for the return of the sun -- you can huddle around your (figurative) campfire, too! The sun will come back, and so will your motivation!

I would love a piece of your anniversary cake!! Non diabetic people (let’s just call them Muggles) don’t understand. The ones that pretend to are almost worse. Like a well meaning friend going “There’s too many carbs in your piece of cake, you should have bread instead”. lol.