It's over

My mom passed away today, 6 January 2015. She fought it so hard at times, but when she finally let go it was an indescribable moment. Sad, yes, but her struggle is over. She’s no longer bound by a body that wasn’t working anymore. She won’t ever be confused again when her ammonia levels get too high, or have to try to remember whether she took her Lantus or not, or fight with inept doctors. She’s free, and I know this and am happy for her. The last year and a half of her life was not a happy one, and I know she’s in a better place.

But what do I do now? I’ve been preparing myself for this moment since we learned that she had cirrhosis and liver failure, and how that it’s happened…what? I miss her already. There was so much messed up stuff that happened in the couple weeks before she died that I don’t feel like I actually got to say goodbye to her. I didn’t get to hug her. I’ll never get another hug - mom was the only person who ever hugged me. My dad…what am I going to do with him? I can barely deal with my own emotions, let alone someone else’s. I don’t want to seem selfish, I really don’t, but… Mom was the only thing I had to live for, and now she’s gone. I did my best to take care of her while she was sick, and now I don’t have to. She’s been gone for less than 12 hours and I hurt so bad and am thinking about so many things that I might drive myself mad. Does this get any easier? Please, tell me that it does.

My heart is broken forever, my soul forever incomplete. I love you mom, and I'll see you later.

Katherine L. Adams 26 June 1951 - 6 January 2015

So sorry, my heart breaks for you. :(

cara I felt much the sam when my mom passed as u do. 1st let me say how sorry I am that she's gone 2nd honey I know how hard it is but u must go on.. please know that u will be in my prayers as u figure out what to do next. u
re stranght is there it will just take awhile for u to find it. if u ever wanta talk please feel free to come to my page

it does get easier it just takes a lot of time

All bright blessings, Cara. It takes time, and yes, it is a watershed moment in one's life. It is quite natural to feel set adrift.

I moved 3000 miles from home to be my mother's primary caregiver for the last 3 months of her life. She died slowly of kidney failure.I felt broken when she died, but I had to stay 3 more weeks to finish closing out her home; alone in her home. It was a horrible time and after I had been home in my own home with the comfort of my husband and my kitties for a month, I connected with an amazing grief counselor. I saw her once/week for about a year and gradually stitched myself back together with her guidance.

Be kind to yourself. Find someone to talk to about the experience. Or write a lot about it right here. Or write letters to your Mom. TuD is a safe place to grieve and to sift through what you are feeling. So many of us have been through what you are going through.

Blessings, again, sweetie.....

Here is a blog I posted after her death. But I kept an online diary, too, and posted a lot of it here. That helped me a lot during those difficult months:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Nothing can prepare you for this. I lost my mother more than 20 years ago and I still miss her. I know that you feel overwhelmed by grief right now but in coming days you will be surprised at your strength which I know is within you. You will grieve and hurt for quite some time but it will get better and you will get your life back and share joy and happiness. After all, that is what your mother would have wanted for you.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother it sounds like she was your best friend too. I also lost my mother many years ago and although you will miss her forever the grief does get better eventually, it will take a long time, right now you are in the shock stage. Take very good care of yourself, eat properly, get as much sleep as possible and try to do things that help to take your mind off your pain if only for a brief time. Allow yourself to grieve and share your thoughts and feelings with your family and friends, journaling is a good way to release your thoughts and feelings too.

Abraham Lincoln's favorite child died of typhoid fever at age 11 while his father was expending every scrap of energy he possessed trying to hold a shattered nation together. He wrote this to another grieving person:

You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say . . .

Thanks everyone, for your comments.