January can't come soon enough

So, I've decided that no matter what it takes, I am going back in the hospital in January. I NEED to. I so desperately need to. Lets just hope that I can make it until then. I don't know whether or not my insurance is going to pay for it, but I am going to push for it. And if they won't pay, I'm going to make it a big issue. Maybe it's time that more people know about this; that it needs to be in the news. I know that there are so many people out there struggling with this. I know I can't be the only one. I'm starting to realize that I can die from this...I've known this all along, but it's really starting to hit me.

I'm not taking my insulin again. I feel like a big fat blob of fat. I'm trying to remind myself that I can follow my meal plan and take my insulin and still stay at a manageable weight, but my head isn't letting me. My head is telling me just how fat and pathetic I am. That this is the only way. That insulin makes you fat. It's sickening how much of a "high" I get from this. The more I go to the bathroom and the more I spill ketones, the better I feel emotionally.

My goal for tonight is to do some journaling to share with my therapist tomorrow. Maybe January isn't soon enough. And to eat a decent meal and take my insulin. I WILL take my insulin. I have to...I just wish my head would stop...