You can be part of a big family surrounded by loved one’s and still have the feeling of loneliness,speaking for myself I use to feel like that every day surrounded by our children then grand children but still feeling like that first day you are born obviously I cannot remember but being inside mum for 9 months then being born into a strange environment and being surrounded by strange faces is how I felt some days,well most days if I am completely honest,I can hear some of you cynics out there saying to yourself this bloke is bananas but I cannot be the only bloke in the World to have felt like that,it was very bad after my heart attack when I seemed to loose all feelings for loved ones in fact i lost the feeling for life itself ,the doctor told me some patients suffer like this the trauma of coming close to death in fact I nearly shook his hand for I can remember clinging to a ledge looking down and seeing no bottom,then someone grabbed me by the hands and pulled me up after that my memory is a blank,still is according to some folks but who are they to say what you experienced near death.
I suppose never having friends growing up contributed towards my state of mind never been the life and soul of the party rather find a nice quiet place sit down and let the party hustle and bustle around me.
The feelings of loneliness melted away for two reasons for me,one was the reality that I had been given a second chance and I was not alone although the guilt of being alive when 85% of heart victims with my level of attack fail to make it the surgeons words not mine,that really cheered me up and I often visit that place that day that moment that pain that feeling of total hopelessness, praying in my mind for the pain to stop the pain was so intense I thought my chest would burst, but here I am seven years later sitting at the kitchen table on a rainy cold morning telling you my deepest thoughts and feelings it does help knowing there are friends out there who I have never met probably never will but who will sit and read my blog and for that moment in time there is a connection with another human being.
Where does diabetes fit in here I hear you say well being told i was diabetic was kinda like that not the intense pain but the feeling of loneliness as I did not know there are millions of folks in the same boat as me,just hope the name is not the Titanic meaning no disrespect to those who lost here lives and those loved ones left behind,I came out of the doctors shell shocked and to be honest not really realising how dangerous it was it took me 14 years to realise the beast and that is what it is will spare no mercy if you let it run rampant,diet diet and pills insulin now insulin with victoza I think and I say that with all fingers and toes crossed I can see a little glimmer of hope not testing fate but having friends on TU and reading there stories makes me realise I am not alone,the anti depressants have lifted the Vail a little so I can see Gods wonderful creation before my very eyes.
