Lost but want to try

Just joined here while feeling rather desperate. Diagnosed about 13 years ago when I had insurance, have not for over 8 years now. Found a doc to treat for free and give free insulin and tradjenta and buy metformin to try and control. Unfortunately cannot afford the testing I (or my Dr.) would like (all from A1C to test strips, to CMP, etc). No insurance affordable or available (FYI the new healthcare pre-existing condition insurance exchange is already shut down-out of money) as I make over 15,000 per year. Blab Blab. But my current issue is that Dr. and I think I'm ADD ( or is it just high blood sugars?) and having pretty strong bouts of depression (or is it just high blood sugars?)- have recently had deaths of Mom (for whom I was caretaker and roomie) and my best friend/dog of just under 10 years. Separating issues seems impossible, and sugars are always high (250-350 is pretty low for me).
I am pretty educated about food, diet, exercise and somewhat re: medications.
What I can't do is turn around and not lose my keys or wallet, or forget what I'm doing, get distracted etc. Thus I don't even come close to following a regiment. Lose track of where my meter (or one of them) is, or the strips, lancets that match - end up using strips with wrong coding (does this really effect the results?) Not testing at all. Or I miss or lose one of the doses of oral or insuling meds. Very difficult to plan, buy, prepare and eat meals. (just left $30 worth of salmon , talapia and chicken in car last week). If I do manage to spin through my morning routine, I'm exhausted before I ever get to work. Then I may or may not have remembered to take my meds, testing supplies to work to follow through at lunch, etc.
Going way too long here, but this is tiny compared to how my thoughts race and chase me through the day, yet amazingly paralyze my action(s).
I am pretty resourceful, but seems like a lot of help is dependent on also having my S_ _ _ together. Like having tax filed so I can prove income to pharm companies, other aid.
Even giving my poor, compassionate pro bono Dr. the info he wants. I would love to log my food, diet, exercise, meds, and think I could probably learn a lot for myself on how I react.. but seems absolutely absurd to believe I could do the same thing, much less log in and document it somewhere 2 or 3 times in a row. Feel like I'm wasting my docs time and valuable insulin samples, because not only am I not getting better, I can't even provide valid info about how or why its not working.
Can't separate blood sugar crazy from ADD from depression. I know they can all feed each other. Or am I bipolar? is there anyway to tell without going inpatient so I can get a baseline and rule one of them out? Can't go anyway without insurance. Or at least can't do a followup after. The thought of pulling together a resume and doing a job hunt for a job with insurance seems like Mt. Everest. I could just quit and have no income, maybe get some assistance- but then would need housing change without income.
Many years ago I worked in group homes for Developmentally Disabled adults--- feel like I should be in one, yet know I'm very capable and intelligent and can do almost anything I try. I just can't string two or three of them together. Stopping now. Vented enough and now spinning and depressing myself. (Sorry if you endured all this too- but feel free to let me know if any of you have made it to the "other side" of this craziness)

Hi Thurkman. Another dog lover, I'm so sorry for your loss ;(

I AM glad you found us though, and welcome to the family! (By the way I have a son who lives in a group home!) It sounds as if you're in the middle of pure chaos, with so many things that you want to change/improve. As Shawnmarie said, there is a mental 'fog' that comes with running as high as you've been -you're definitely not alone in that!

I know it's easy for me to say: can you pick ONE thing out of the multitude and focus on that, only? I know when I have a million things to attend to at once I sometimes feel like a chicken without a head. If I can stop, and focus on one at a time, I'm more likely to accomplish something. So, can you keep your meter/strips/lancet in your pocket so you always know where it is (for example).

Yes, it is possible to make it to the 'other side of the craziness'. You'll find load of support here.

Stop in to our chat room some time if you're inclined ;)

Thurkman, you are not alone; we all have stories of nuttiness when our diabetes is not controlled. I am Canadian and, thus, have great healthcare and these things still happen to me. Pup, as always, is right: concentrate on one thing to organize at a timeā€¦ And take it easy on yourself. The stress caused by chewing yourself out will just compound things. I find just going for a relaxing walk helps to bring my sugars go down, too.

Also had mental problems and depression symptoms till my blood sugars got under control. Almost lost my job. I was without insurance or treatment for eight years. It amazes me how little compassion Americans have for the ill. Health care for the poor, its either creeping socialism, or too expensive to be practical. Meanwhile there are third world countries where you could get treatment.

Stay calm, keep working with that compassionate doc you found. You aren't wasting his time. There are solutions.

In my town, Walmart sells R and NPH insulin very cheaply and provides test strips for a meter they will give you for $10 for fifty. A local grocery chain provides syringes and lancets for free. Unless you live in Mississippi, there has to be something similar near you. I'll bet the local Walmart also has cheap supplies.

You can beat this.