My New Year, 2015

Hello everyone,
Happy New Year! Yes, I know I am late. I haven't been on for a while and am hoping to become more of a regular.
My goal this year is to get back on track and become a better diabetic?

I have a few issues? questions?

First being, diabetes burnout. I am definately there. Don't want to eat because food is the enemy. Don't want to test because I'm afraid of what the meter is going to tell me. When my numbers are bad I always blame myself.
I am still healing from a site that went bad back in October.
I have an endo who is only interested in numbers. That's all I am to him is numbers on a sheet of paper.
Today is my first appointment of the year with him and I know already what he is going to say. I can't make any changes to your pump if I don't have numbers. He types in his computer that I don't have enough numbers. blah blah blah. I sit there and listen and feel like crying and am ashamed of myself and I pay my specialist co-pay and I leave. I come back then in three months.
Sometimes I walk away thinking, ok, this time I'm going to do better. I try too. I put a little spiral book in my pump case and write down the time, bg, whether it's a meal etc. and a note.
a couple weeks later when I try to put all this information onto a neater page so he can read it better, well, it's a mess. My notes don't make sense, or I've got bg but no notes to explaing the high or low.
I'm supposed to send them in and I did send numbers in once this last time. But I should have sent more. So again, I'm dreading this appointment.
My other thought is in reading or hearing all this healthcare team. You should work with your healthcare team etc...
I don't have a healthcare team. I am the one who tries to remind this doc or that doc to please send results to all the other docs I see. I am the healthcare team.
I've rediscovered that I am totally alone in this. I don't have anyone to talk to about my burnout, frustrations, fear etc...
I "bought" a book for my kindle that titled Diabetes burnout by ginger somebody. So far it's pretty good.
I'll get the full name etc... It had good reviews in that it is written to us not at us and it is by a person with type 1. It's not like the other burnout book that is written at us and the person has no idea what diabetes burn out is. So this Ginger woman seems to have a good idea of what it's all about. SO FAR.
I am frustrated with how much I attack myself and coach myself and chastize myself. Constantly saying, I'm gonna do better, or what did you do now that your bg is so bad. To screw it, I'm gonna die anyway. To it doesn't matter what I do, to ok, let's get back on the wagon and try again. And there's a whole host of shoulda, woulda, coulda's and shame, self doubt, anger, sadness etc...

I also have fibromyalgia, balance issues, dizzy spells, hearing loss, now a cracked tooth with half the filling gone. allergies, trigger fingers again only different fingers of which I now need to look into two more surgeries, also need to get my orthotics fixed or adjusted. I have plantar faciatis and carpel tunnel.
I had ear surgery in december and my ears are worse.
I'm not crying here, just sharing. I have to make more md appointments to take care of each of these things. But I can only handle a few things at a time and afford just so many appointment. Specialists are expensive. Oh and did I mention anxiety/depression so I do go to a therapist. I am overweight and very much need to get motivated to lose weight.

Well, this is me basically in a nutshell. I ride this rollercoaster of diabetes and dr visits and the medical system just like everyone else.
I think my point here is to just explain the world of Jewels and begin again in this new year with a semblance of hope and renewal as I pick myself up once again and try to be better at it all.
I best get going as I need to go see my endo. Wish me luck.
I'm hoping that by blogging, I will be able to I don't know, have a better year. Not that 2014 was so bad.
Health speaking I know I can do better. Love and hugs and prayers to all who are struggling or in need of help.

why don't you join our chat room we might be able to help you at least you won't feel alone
lots of hugs