November 10,2007.. Me

Lately, things have not been going that well. I really am having a hardtime with my choices of food. Part of me wants to do well and eat the way I know I should. “Vegan/Raw” The other part of me wants to eat a “Carbatious Diet” and let life go on by. My problem lays in the discovery of “Byetta.” I cant seem to figure out what to eat. How to choose my foods.
I’m given this “list” to choose from. But,what I personally need is a laid out plan that I can at least start with.
Watching other people here on “Tudiabetes” is rough. It seems that most have it all figured out.
I’m sick of most foods that I have been eating to get from day to day for the past couple of years. It flat out does not taste good anymore.
I crave Bread,Peanutbutter and Chocolate the absolute most! I still enjoy a good salad,fruits,most veggies. Meat?
I’m beginning to actually care less for it. Eggs,milk and cheese; I still want it.
My life is a shambles with the separation of my son. Yet, I cannot bring him home. His challenges require more than I can help him with. I miss him dearly.I miss sharing a good book to read. Our latest was Eragon. I’m sure there would have been more if there had been a chance.
I enjoyed working with him in the kitchen. Slicing and dicing veggies, fruits. Nothing like making a great salad or some dessert together. I loved when the car was working and it was his turn to “go for a ride” with me. Sometimes, we would just listen to music. Other times, we talked about anything in the world. He could be very engaging at times.
School work was not a favorite at all. Neither were chores. He was always sloppy about doing all of it. I’m not sure if it was a simple " I don’t care" or if he really had no understanding that I was about trying to prepare him for a life one day of his own. His own home etc… sigh… that part we tangled over. Still, I miss my baby. My first son. The baby I wished and dreamed for with all my hearts yearning. Years went by before he finally came into my life. So quickly, he has moved on. I hurt for the time I have not been able to have with him. Will he ever want to see me again? Will he simply hate me forever?

His past hangs over the rest of the children’s mental health in a bad way. M, wants his brother because he misses a buddy to talk to. Even though J abused him verbally,mentally,physically bullied him. A, wants him home/misses him when he was friendly.Otherwise,she is scared to death of being hurt by him again. She pulls her hair/hurts herself… not good.
R, wants nothing to do with him. “He’s mean. I dont want to ever see him again.” She holds a deep anger at what he has done to her. S,wants to see him. “But not live with him momma.Cuz, He’s still scary.” SE, misses her big brother reading stories to her. She doesnt understand what happened to her big siblings. She does remember his loud scary voice when he was mad. SP, “I want _ _.” He misses big brother pulling the wagon. Towing him all over the yard. Reading stories to him and swinging him in the hammock.
Stephen is stepdad; he told me he misses talking with him. He hated when things went bad. He avoided him whenever he could to keep arguments from happening. He loved sharing the joy of chatting about history. He looked forward to helping him get his first car.

Now, all of that is gone. Now, we get ready to go to court to find out about childsupport to the state. Things have gone so far downhill for us financially that Christmas is on a backburner of not happening. We have some great needs.
The well isn’t putting out water for us. It is taking almost 3 hours to do one load of wash due to low water pressure.
(I’ve an idea that the well is not a deep one. Maybe we need a new well? $5 - 7,000.00!) We just don’t have it. The van simply needs replaced. We just replaced the car and picked up a payment plan for the next 5 years. The house needs electrical work.( we can keep getting by without…it’s just so darn inconvenient!!!)