I have a confession: I have used an insulin pump in a previous life.
Big deal? Yes. I bring this up because after wearing my new Animas 2020 for 2 weeks without insulin, tomorrow is P-Day. You know – PUMP Day! I find myself absolutely giddy with excitement and scared to death. Anyone who has known me for a very long time is, well, surprised. This is where the previous pump comes in.
In 1984 after an “episode” of DKA, I was put on a pump. For you movie buffs out there, its name was C. Dexter Haven in an effort to make it emulate that dashing Cary Grant; suave, smooth, funny, deft in the most awkward of situations. Unfortunately, C. Dex made most situations more awkward and, while The Philadelphia Story remains one of my all-time favorite films, I can’t help now but look at Dex with a bit of suspicion; an I-know-what-you’re-really-up-to look. Perhaps Kate really did pick the wrong guy after all.
I was a freshman in college, extremely self-destructive in my relationship to my diabetes…need I say more? C. Dex was a big fella - the size of a VHS tape while weighing enough to pull down the waist of any pants I was wearing. There was no “tucking” it away. Imagine my surprise when I read about ladies now tucking pumps into their bras. My room mate complained that it kept her up at night with it’s whirring sounds (she was a real peach). I continuously had site infections that sent my BG soaring.
Here are the things that I remember most, in no particular order:
1) Getting twisted in the tubing at night
2) Burning at the sites
3) Getting out of bed and leaving the thing behind
4) Not being able to wear dresses because there was no place to put it
5) Feeling like a failure because this machine was supposed to make my life better
I could go on, but you see my point. In the many following years, I made a very distinct decision NOT to pump, to not even consider it. Yet here I am, pre P-Day, a day that will surely go down, in my mind at least, in infamy.
Those who have known me for a long time (in previous pump days) were initially surprised that I was considering it. I was open-minded about the issue, if not excited. Somewhere in the process, I turned a corner. I began reading the OC blogs and the dread dissipated. In its place came the idea of “what if this really DOES change my life?” More realistically, "what if I can really change my life using this technology?"
Of course, intellectually I know that the technology has changed so much. Perhaps more importantly, I’ve changed; I will no longer rage against the machine that is diabetes. I will choose to live with it, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, til death do us part. It’s my choice.
So really, does a ring come with it?
I love that movie.
Kimberly, I am so happy that you are giving it another try. I love your last paragraph…yes, I think this disease should come with a huge sparkling diamond!!!