Nothing I’m doing is working.
Nothing anyone tells me to try ever works the way they tell me it will.
Nothing my doctors do – if they do anything at all – seems to help.
Nothing my doctors tell me to do seems to help.
I’m so tired of this. Tired of fighting phantoms. Tired of battling alone in the dark. Tired of being judged and criticized for not trying hard enough when it feels like I’ve given up everything, tried everything, and nothing helps. Tired of being blamed for every high, every low. Tired of being told, in so many words, that if only I weren’t such a weak, stupid, lazy creature I could manage this monster, tame it and control it.
Every time I think I understand what I need to do. Every time I feel hopeful that I’m getting a handle on this evil, evil disease. one phantom comes along and shoves me hard in the chest while another phantom pulls the rug out from under me, and I’m down on the floor again – with diabetes sitting on my chest, crushing the life out of me – as lost and confused as I was before I picked up the first book on how diabetes is supposed to work…what? Nine years ago, thousands and thousands of pages ago, thousands of dollars ago – thousands of hours of working and worrying and depriving and testing, testing, testing…
…and it was all
Jean- Keep yor head up. Keep working on it. I think if you keep workin on this you WILL get there. Stay consistent and keep good logs and you WILL be able to tame this beast. I KNOW you can. Now just have the same faith in yourself!!! Keep on trying.
Don’t let the disease beat you. I’ve been a diabetic for 23 years and have had many ups and downs literally. With or without diabetes life has its challenges and its how we react to those challenges that make us grow. FIGHT for your health and don’t let anything or anyone tell you otherwise. remember that you have to take one step at a time before you reach the second floor. Put together a simple plan with weekly goals on exercise, eating and insulin therapy. YOU CAN DO THIS…stay upbeat
Hi Jean. Is there a pump in your future? Sometimes a pump can make a remarkable difference. I had a difficult time getting my first one, but I remember that my being out of control along with a low C-peptide allowed me to have one. The difference, at least for me, was having 24 hours of the right basal, which can be programmed in a pump. I can get something similar on MDI with three shots of Levemir and filling in the gaps with a combination of Regular and Apidra, but I would never have figured out how to do that without a stretch of some years of full time in the pump. (I use the pump part time now, wearing it now and again for a treat and a “Reality Check,” which I described in the last blog I wrote.) Well, maybe this is just another suggestion that won’t work, but the bottom line is to pay attention to basals and just keep on keeping on. Best wishes.
I am the mom of a type I so I don’t know how much help I can be since Type I and Type 2 are very different, but I wanted to tell you that you should never give up because YOU are worth the fight! Do you feel like you ever had an understanding of how diabetes/insulin work? Has it only been recently that you have been struggling? It may be something little that would make all the difference. What seems to be your biggest struggle/problem?
Ever consider going to therapy? After I was diagnosed with type 1 in 1996 at the age of 28, I went to therapy for 2 years. Helped me with the anger I was experiencing. I went through all the stages of grief, looking back. I still go thru the anger sometimes, I think it is natural. But in the nearly 15 years I’ve lived with type 1, I’ve had 3 children. I feel like I’ve thumbed my nose at this obnoxious disease. Sure, I get fed up and sick of it, but either I put diabetes where it needs to be in my life, or I let it run me. I chose to run it.
Get some help, it sounds like you need it from someone who won’t judge you. Until you walk a block in a diabetics shoes, people have no idea what it is like.
Jean, there are some really good tips here
Simple Steps was a contest we had in 09 and 2010. I like a lot of the winners, especially “start small”, “forgive yourself” and “take a walk”. I also think it helps to do more detail logging of your numbers, food, exercise etc so that your team can figure out what’s going on and they can see how serious you are.
DON’T LET THE D WIN JEAN!!! Show it your as strong as it is! Somethings that work for other’s won’t work for you. I learned that the hard way. PLEASE DON’T LET YOURSELF BE ONE LIKE ME. Cara has some good advice there so does Marie. Breath in, breath out after you calm down SHOW DIABETES WHO’S BOSS!!!
Jean, sorry that you are having a hard time. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Jean, I know your trying I remember your post on trying low carb and high Dawn Phenomena. I posted last week about not being able to figure out my insulin dosages and testing every 2 hours I am cranky and tired all day. I feel like I take insulin all day and night long. I WANT TO GIVE UP TO!!! I am tired and sick of it all to! I really do feel your pain and frustration. But please keep trying don’t give up. WE are a work in progress. We have the rest of our lives to figure this out. Jean you can only do what you can do. And that’s all I can do to.
OMG wack-a-meter !!! Y’all are awesome. Beyond awesome. Thanks for your kind words.
I have a terrible attitude right now (ready to break something, for sure) but how much worse would it be without my D-buddies?
The fact that I’m even considering trying TAGing shows me that perhaps, perhaps, perhaps I haven’t given up. I did sleep all day, but then I tested my bg so…something in me still wants to try.