Ruining My Own Life

This a really long entry. If you don’t want to read it, don’t. This isn’t a cry for help as much as it’s a stream of consciousness about how I am currently feeling. Below are some experts from the post. Click the above link for the full text.

Happiness is an interesting thing. What exactly is it? What do you feel when you say your are happy? Is it the same to everyone? What about people who don’t feel happy? What about people who are numb to all emotions? What do they do to feel happy?

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt happy. Hell it’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything but anger, stress, hatred, relief and exhaustion. I don’t even know what it’s like to be happy anymore. That’s a sad thing to say but it’s the truth. I have no idea where this post is going to hang on for the ride or close it out, doesn’t matter to me.

I am a very introverted person. Very few people know anything about me. If you have read this blog a lot you know more about me than anyone in my class and anyone in my family. I don’t talk to many people except in passing. People are friendly and I am friendly back but making close friends just isn’t something that I do. I can count on two hands the number of people I have had over to my house in the past 8 years who aren’t family. Neuron is the…

As you have pry guessed this has lead to a very lonely life. Diabetes and being put on a pedestal with a PhD in medical school hasn’t helped that any. Diabetes is a very personal thing. The only people who understand the stress, confusion and anger that results from the development of a incurable chronic illness are people who have one. I’m not kidding when I say I would have rather had cancer than diabetes. Atleast with cancer you can see the end. You can see that either you’re cured or you’re going to die. Diabetes doesn’t have an end, but it can kill you in an instant. Diabetes is a constant companion that also hold you hostage. To me it’s a lot like Stockholm Syndrome. I hate my disease but I have become dependent on it for…

Su Fu, you sound so sad and hopeless: I see from your profile and from info in your blog, that you weere njust diagnosed a year ago, and diabetes has obviously not become the “new normal” for you… It will> You are bright and talented and from your blofgwritings, apparently carrying a lot of emotional weight and baggage, from years ago, that make you feel lonely, isolated, and depressed… I think diabetes compounded with these issues is really doing a turn on you. However, Can you see yourself as a winner, a Person who can get out of the introverted shell to help others? I can… I just saw, on another discussion,how you reached out to help someone who did not have diabetes supplies, That shows you have a kind heart and can reach out… You are unique and wonderfully made ( Cause GOD does not make Junk!!)

Please see if you can talk to someoone about your feelings, a counsleor, a social wortker, psychologist, use of anti-deressant medications to jump-start the therapies may be an option as well. You say you want to change to were not asking for help, but ther fact that you posted it here and on your outside blog speaks v;lumes… It is also courageus to reach out to other.s Hope you feel better.

God Bless,

Thank you Brunetta. One of the things I love about blogging is that it is an outlet for me. I can just sit down and type. I don’t have to be instantly specific with words because I can sit down and think about what I want to say and how I want to convey it. I’m not much of a talker, but I love writing, so it helps.

I agree that it’s the toughest because it is new. I do remember what it was like before T1. I do remember how my life was 16 months ago and how things instantly changed.

Thank you again for your kind words, they are very much appreciated.

Hi SuFu. Don’t be so hard on yourself – you and your wife have big responsibilities and you’re working hard to meet them. You will deal with the Diabetes. You will find a special way to bond with your children and your time with them will be “quality time”. That’s not just a phrase; you will find a special interest to share with them, which they will remember all their lives. Some sport, maybe? (We chose camping.) Since your wife is tired of talking about this stuff, well, just go ahead and write about it. There always people her who like to exchange ideas. You’re creative, inventive, you’ll find a way to make your lives work while you pursue your goals. And please don’t be so hard on yourself!

Sorry. “There are always people here…”

Hey SuFu, hang in there. You’ve really helped me over the last months, so I know you can reach out. I think I walk the line between introvert/extrovert and it’s actually fine either way. I turn a little further inward every time life slaps me, and I feel like I don’t want to be out there. But if I can take those slaps and offer help to someone else who took a hit, that’s when I extend myself. That’s what I can see you doing. I think maybe you went into a tailspin because of what your son said ?? He’s going to keep piercing your heart, that’s what they do! Innocently. It just means you love him – and he loves you. He’s got some concrete definitions of things right now & he’s going to evolve. So will you. He’ll see it. “For the Love of the Game” – love those baseball movies. Life lessons. My girls have grown up watching “Field of Dreams” over & over. Keep writing.

And I should add – the other day, Samantha “forgot” to wear her pump to school. Heard it beeping on her dresser about mid-day. She’s lucky she doesn’t need much insulin right now. (Trying to be normal for one day?)

Sarah, I’m glad she doesn’t need much insulin cause that could have been BAD! I forgot to turn my pump off of suspend a few mornings ago and my bg was 200+ within an hour. I’m also at 1.4 units per hour to hold the dawn phenomenon in check too.

I know, I’m getting worried about “eventually” when the drug or the honeymoon wears off & she really has to act like she has diabetes. I noticed yesterday that she left her meter at home all day – & she had school & then a game at 4:30, so she didn’t check her BG from 6am (if she checked) until we got home close to 8 pm. So that’s the way things are going now – & I don’t know if it’s teen stuff (which it probably is, because who wants to pull that out in front of everyone when no one else is doing it? plus, it all just hit her less than a year ago) or is it regular to try to ignore the whole thing sometimes? I don’t have anyone to talk to here! And from all my reading, I know she’ll get to the point where she can’t act this way without serious repercussions. So I told her that the other day. Said I saw her meter on the dresser & told her she at least has to test 4 times for the study & they really don’t want a check every 4 hours in the evening. So, blah, I got a look. And the meter was on her dresser today. This is way off the subject of your post.

I think it’s right in line with my post. Burnout is tough, I’ve hit the wall but I just keep on testing. I have meters all over the place. I think I have 4-5 extra ones scattered in my backpack, cars, lockers and everywhere else. I always forget mine when I don’t have a good sized pocket to put it in to. It’s pry different for me being med school where noone cares if I test, they get it. Since I wasn’t a teen with T1 I can’t comment on it from a personal perspective, but I bet you’re pretty much on target.