Trudy, Trudy, Trudy et al - we ALL talk to ourselves! That’s what kids, pets and especially cellphones are for - I figure as long as I have a set of earbuds or something that passes as a Bluetooth ‘planted’ appropriately I can say whatever the heck I want to that can of beans at the supermarket. Really, gang, this ‘self-chit-chat’ thing has been ‘legal’ since the first Walkman came out eons ago. Even cave man kept his ‘club’ for company! Moses talked to bushes and poor Noah … he had to work for someone nobody else could see! I’ll bet his neighbours played havoc with his psyche throughout that ‘dry spell’ before the big storm. He probably got multiple parking tickets for leaving that half-built Ark in the driveway. And who cleaned up that mess when the animals showed up, two by two + poo?
And Jen - as above regarding your baby blankie - that’s why God gave us cute little furry critters! Without at least one furball cuddled in REAL close to me, even on a hot night, (since kitty fur absorbs my body sweat quite well and they still smell really yummy as long as they don’t open their little fishy mouths), but without something purring next to me, sleep is just a distant ‘dream’.
As for the topic of weird somethings, I am proud to admit that I personally have absolutely no weird or illogical habits (brb - just gotta set my CD up to play #5 for the 138th time). Yes, lucky for me, EVERYthing I do all day every day makes perfect sense to everyone! Okok, maybe that one little dip in the Jell-O bath might have been a bit of a stretch, but everything else I do is completely … what’s that word that continually escapes me? Starts with ‘NO’, ends with ‘Mal’?? Oh yeah - N O R M A L !
I must also admit that I was not always this perfect. I’ve probably tried and quit more bad/weird habits that most of you have even known about. In fact, with great courage, I managed to cut out drugs when I was finishing college. Before that I cut out drinking and since then I’ve also cut out smoking, fatty foods and everything else that feels good! I’ve cut out so many vices in the past that now I often find myself sitting in the ward cutting out paper dolls.
So you kids just continue revealing all your deep dark skeletal secrets and I’ll sit back and critique with impunity the insatiable frivolity of the human race … speaking as an outsider, of course.
Besides, it’s almost time for my medications. Last night I almost over-dosed on Gravol. I tried to induce vomiting but the emetic I had from the pharmacy was already past its expiry date, so I had no idea what it would do to me. I was afraid it might make me throw up! So instead, I just took more Gravol. I couldn’t take Seldane as I’m allergic to antihistamines and I can never figure out how those darned crystals work. I find them too hard to swallow!
Unlike most of you ‘weird’ people, I have tried to avoid becoming a hypochondriac, or worse. What if being a hypochondriac was all in my head? Would I have to take placebos for my imaginary illness? And what if I got addicted to those? Would I have to get on a placebo addiction program and take fake placebos in decreasing doses? Would I need to wear a Medic-Alert bracelet indicating my sugar pill addiction and would that addiction necessitate another bolus of insulin? Perhaps hypochondria is the one disease I have not yet acquired?
Oh heck, I don’t know what I’m saying. It must be the Crystal Lite (the only crystals I can swallow). Dr. Google says I should stick to clear fluids while my tummy settles … Hmmm, do you suppose
‘clear fluids’ would include vodka?
Nuff logic – I shall repair to the Ladie’s Room and apply some mascara to my mind’s eye. Nobody likes an unadorned visual window.
Carry On Being Weird y’all! I have better things to do!
bikette@www.UsedToBeConceitedButNowI’mPerfect.gag