I found it today
The start of it all
The reason I was diagnosed
The reason I was so sick
It was lying in the bathroom
It looks so terribly innocent
Yet it held all of my emotions
Built up and captured in one water bottle
This is the water that I drank
This is the 300 oz. of water a day
This is the reason for the doctor’s visit
The reason to call it “emergency”
This is what was replaced
With an IV in my wrist
This is what I filled up two times an hour
This is something I couldn’t go anywhere without.
The kids at school poked fun at it
I gripped it with white knuckles.
I filled it up before bed
But soon that was not enough
And I added another to the collection at night
A blue, 16 oz. bottle
When the water spilled from my dry lips
And into my bed at midnight
I didn’t mind
I just needed to drink
At the start of my drinking
I only cared for our filtered water
I knew which water fountain
To choose at school
But by the end
I drank whatever I could… whenever I could
This green waterbottle
Captured sadness, fear and loneliness
Captured fear of what was to come
Captured the night I choked on air, my mouth was so dry
Captured the words in my head
"I need water. I need water."
This green waterbottle
It was so farmiliar
The first day I was really thirsty
I couldn’t find a bottle
I opened up the cupboard under the sink
And pulled out our last one left
"Walker Art Center"
Imprinted in black bold letters
The 64. oz. water bottle looked massive
It’s dark green
But two weeks later,
20 pounds underweight,
It was so tiny
It needed backup
I cleaned the bathroom today.
And I found this green waterbottle.
I found my old water bottle,
Along with the small one kept at night
Sudden flashbacks brought tears to my eyes.
I didn’t know what to think.
I just held the waterbottle and held it.
Should I thank it? throw it? break it?
I didn’t do anything.
I just held it in my hand.
And hung it on my wall.
As a reminder to myself.
You can get through anything.
Even with roadblocks… or water bottles.
(In case this doesn’t make any sense, I was cleaning the bathroom today to earn some extra money in order to buy a book that I’ve been wanting that cost $20.00 and I found the waterbottle that I drank out of before my diagnosis, when I was a drinking maniac. It’s not really a poem… just a story. And everything in it is true- getting teased for carrying it around, having flashbacks of before my diagnosis, hanging it on my wall…)