This is hard

I haven't been out on this site in some time. Not really sure why although I know it has nothing to do with this site but has everything to do with me. I popped back in today and noticed my last blog entry where I said I was going to be better and more active, well that didn't pan out the way I thought it would.

I've been bad over the last year about my diabetes and guess I sort of went into a form of denial. I really didn't deny I had it but I ignored I had it and in a way I was denying that I had it. I know, it's confusing. I don't understand it myself.

I used a lot of excuses over the past year for ignoring it, my job was stressful (it was but still not an excuse), I'm just to busy and forgot, and the worst one of them all "I'm fine".

My system has been out of whack this past year, I've been a little more agitated than normal, I am more short fused than ever and I'm out of control. What I mean by that is I'm not in control of my life as I normally am. I'm reactive and not proactive. I let little things get to me and feed off the drama of others. I need to correct this.

I have some co-workers that are also my friends that have a form of diabetes, either type 1 or 2 and I notice a lot of them come to me for advice which I gladly offer. The problem is I don't take my own advice. Not sure why that is, Maybe it's this odd desire I have to take the punishment and learn something from it so I could help someone else. I think I may change that and see if they would like to form a group or something. I think that would help all of us, we could learn about each others conditions, what things trigger spikes for each other and also keep an eye on each other. I guess like a mentor or support group does.

One of my co-workers was telling me about another co-worker we had lost a couple of years ago. I hadn't known about how he had passed but that he did. Apparently he was also diabetic, he worked in the creative area and would use his diabetes like a drug. he would let himself get so bad that to him, he felt it fueled his creativity and if he kept it under control he would loose that "edge". unfortunately he wouldn't listen to anyone and we have now lost him.

That kind of shook me and I realized that I can't allow myself to get to that point or go down that path. I know I'm more productive and better when my BG is normal. I'm more calm and less reactive when someone is stressed and being a jerk. I don't do resolutions as I never stick with them but I do do goals. So I'm setting myself a few goals to do things that help me maintain my BG and the rest of my health.

So here's to a new year and outlook on my life. I'm in control and I'm being selfish and taking care of myself.

Getting active is *very* hard. The first step is the hardest one. This goes for people with or without diabetes but I think it can be more challenging for us, given that you have to lug all of the crap, meters, snacks, etc. along for the ride, or walk or run or whatever. At the same time, for the cost of good shoes (I think this is really's worth it to invest the time to get the best shoes for you, not just shoes that are "pretty comfortable"), a bike or a membership at the Y or whatever, you can access endorphins pretty much for nothing but your time. I have a pretty stressful job (claims adjuster) and, while I certainly try to be as pleasant as possible, I sometimes have days that are one conflict after another. It's great to come home and, even if it's not a big workout, take the dog for a walk around the neighborhood and blow off some steam, get some fresh air, see the sky, trees, bushes, etc.

If I can fit in a workout, I can push it and get to the trail by the river, get some carefully managed suburban nature, and feel good about it. It doesn't always work out but getting into the habit of doing something is a HUGE step that can make you feel really good if you do it. I've done quite a bit, going from walking around the neighborhood to try to get less puffy during martial arts classes (I was 275 lbs when I started, now about 185ish...) and now run pretty regularly. It's been work, it's been inconvenient, it's sucked but I've had a lot of great moments too. I've had kind of the same experience with diabetes, it's always there, always a challenge. I try to avoid good/evil and think of each number by itself. If the number's where I want it, *high five* or do a shot or whatever to celebrate. If it isn't, I can still figure out what could have made whatever I did work better and then figure out a crafty way to get it where I want it. Sometimes exercising can help with this too.

Many of us T2 D’s are experts at how to take care of our D or at least how not to. We know how to do it right but choose to do it the other way.

Doing it the right way is the most important decision we can make. Good luck with your goal. This entire community is here to help you. So please stay in touch.

"slips"...Ive had so many of them. Id follow a diet and exercise to a "T" then procrastinate after awhile. I also sometimes do not follow my own "advises"...kinda being "selective" depending on the situation, if I may say. These are the times I get side tracked and lose sight of my goals. My family and love for life are my I focus on these. Gives me renewed zest :)

Indeed, here's to a new year! Keep us posted. And best wishes!

Thanks guys. My biggest thing is to stay focused and I should be good. I had a realization a few days ago that I don't have a separation between work and home and that is a big issue for me. If I can create that separation then things should become more manageable for me.

If you have a hard time separating work and home, maybe getting out and about can help you separate from both? I totally use exercising as escapism from my stressful job and, sometimes, the surly teenager who, often is very hopeful that "are you going running?" I fire up my ipod and hit the road, get out and get away from it all for a while.

Good luck…