Time to get back on track... again

I’m starting to compare my diabetes to this nasty boy I knew in elementary school. He would just walk up to me randomly, knock me to the ground and then walk away. Sometimes when I fell I’d face plant into a concrete floor, but most of the time I didn’t get hurt but I was annoyed by how often he’d push me down. He was a jerk, and if I saw him today I think I might punch him. See at this point I could get into this whole cheesy metaphor about punching diabetes right in its ugly fat little face, but I’ll save myself the nausea and move on now.

I went through another phase where I ignored pretty much everything to do with diabetes. I still took my medicine and watched my carbs, but I refused to talk or even really think about it. It started mostly when everyone kept telling me how high my sugar was. As if I didn’t know. I didn’t want to talk about diabetes because it would lead to the inevitable “What’s your glucose?” and then all I’d be hearing after is, “That’s so high. Why is it so high? What are you doing wrong? You should be doing this, or that…” I just wanted to scream every time I got that look. I mean come on. If my sugar is over 140, which is always is, I KNOW it’s high. I’m more aware of it than anyone else. If I had any other questions they’d be put by the wayside while everyone shook their heads at me and tried to figure out why I was failing so miserably. If I had any small achievements those didn’t even matter. I actually threw a fairly spectacular tantrum about this a few weeks ago. My mom seemed deeply alarmed seeing as I don’t burst into tears and scream at her very often.

Luckily for me, I started seeing a new doctor yesterday that isn’t a total failure. I’m very lucky to be seeing him from the sounds of it. I’m told he’s a very sought after doctor who doesn’t even take new patients anymore, but he will see the family of his current patients. I had not been looking forward to the appointment at all, but he has my seal of approval. Right off the bat he said we’d be doing all the usual lab tests, A1C included. He asked me a lot of questions about diabetes, I think to see how much I knew and what I’d been doing. He didn’t lecture me or give me The Look. In fact, he seemed more confused by my previous doctor’s decisions over anything I did. He checked my feet (all good there) and then said he wanted me to start taking insulin. My mom tried to get me to negotiate with him on just going with a higher dose of Metformin because she knows how against insulin I had been before but… I know I need it. I mean sure, a higher dose MIGHT work. But I feel like if it doesn’t I’d just be doing damage to myself, and my dislike of insulin has been purely superficial. I lost 25lbs you see. I’d rather not gain that weight back.

The nurse who showed me how to use my Lantus pen was so sweet. She offered to do it for me the first time, though I declined. Then she kept telling me how insulin was nothing to be scared of, how I wasn’t a failure, etc. I honestly wasn’t scared though. Seriously, I just don’t want to gain weight. Don’t get me wrong, I did stare blankly at the needle and hesitate for a moment, but that was just a temporary burp. I take 10 units a day, at ‘bedtime’ I’ve been told. I chose 10 PM as my designated insulin time seeing as I’m nocturnal and really don’t have a bedtime, and I will still be taking the Metformin twice a day just like I have been. I’ve also been put on a strict 1500 calorie limit a day… yeah. I hate counting calories so much, but, considering insulin definitely won’t be helping my weight any I don’t see how I have a choice.

I’ve been reading on the boards of how people have had horrible experiences with Lantus and switched to Levemir, and I can’t help but think, will that be me in some way? Obviously I’m not seeing any extreme results at the moment having only taken my insulin once (though I am very hungry…), but I am still a bit nervous. I’ve been telling myself that it’s really not a large dosage at all. My grandpa takes 56 units a day I believe.

See this is why I like Metformin. I trust it. I’ve never had any bad side effects from it and it does help with a ton of unpleasant symptoms, excessive thirst and monster foot cramps just to name a few. Can I trust this Lantus SoloStar? I don’t know.

I think I’ve babbled enough for today. But yeah, my appointment was a good experience and just what I needed. It’s nice to have a doctor that just focuses on what needs to be done, as opposed to what I must be doing wrong. I don’t react well to negativity or lectures and I think he recognized that.

I really am very hungry…