i finished my first week of school on thursday. next time someone turns up the wrong burner while i’m clarifying butter i will pluck out their eyes with my paring knife. i may or may not do well with school. i think it’s more about finding a good balance and rythem that anything. i know i’m good when i cook alone. but the dance of the commercial kitchen is not something i’ve had to deal with before. i’m getting a few of my own things to make life easier on myself. right now i’m thinking just a whisk and food scale. i’ll add on as the months tick by. i have become pretty dishearted by listening to chef brown talk about the industry. she makes it sound like you’ll be unhappy and poor no matter what you choose to do. all i want is a purpose and some money to live on so i can get out of the place i’m at now. i want to afford to buy my cats a cat tree, save for my kids to go to school, buy a flippin couch, get my hair cut for the first time in about a year.
i’ve still got a few weeks to decide before i make a loan bound commitment. so i’ll keep trying for now and see what i feel like when it’s time to decide. part of what’s making me hold on is that people are actually proud of me. they’re so happy that i’m going to school and trying to get somewhere that i’m afraid to say that i’m not sure this is for me. i don’t like letting people down. i’m just afraid that i’ll end up unhappy and stuck with a huge amount of student loans that need to be paid off. still, i have a few weeks left to think.