Why am I so hard on myself

I really do try. I do. I tell myself I am in a good space and don’t need to keep striving for better numbers, but man, it’s hard.

I really can be my own worst enemy! I had a endo appointment today. Had my A1C done last week, so I already had my results. Right where they are most of the time. My goal is 7.0 or lower but not under 6.0. I find with my pump doing most of the heavy lifting now, it’s not that hard. My time in range moved up to 80% as my target vs 70% before the Tandem IQ. I have been running most days just over 80% but many days I am in the 70’s.

I mean most people out there would be thrilled to be consistently in 70% range. So why am I beating myself up. I told him flat out, why am I beating myself up here? And he said, I need to remember what things were like before and really enjoy my successes. He told me over and over, how well everything looks and how well I am doing. There isn’t anything out of line. Nothing! I am right where I need to be, so why do I feel like I am such a failure when I have a day with a 68% time in range.

I know I tell everyone here that you are so much more than your numbers and I always say to shot for your own targets not anyone else’s. Why are we always so hard on ourselves? I would never beat up any of you guys about your management plan.

So, my doctor talked about depression issues. Asking if I got enough exercise. I showed him my Fitbit app, most every day it’s over 30,000 steps and around 10 miles a day. Sleep? Am I getting enough. Fitbit app again most every night between 7 & 8 hours with the right amount of the 3 sleep stages. Than, mediation. Sure, I have my Calm app and do deep breathing everyday. Hobbies, sure do- walking, scrapbooking, gardening, dogs, watching college football and soccer. Always busy, going to concerts, theater etc. So why am I not happy with my very happy, well rounded life? Is this just the way it is? Are we as people with diabetes always looking for better?

Sorry about the long rant but I really am in a good place dealing with this for so long. Are things cropping up now as I age, sure but nothing that is too much to handle.

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I think anyone who has a lot of drive to do their best comes up against these issues whether in our diabetes or our personal or professional lives. The fact that you are on this forum puts you into that category. All I say is go easy on yourself. We all have days that don’t measure up to our expectations of ourselves. Try not to compare yourself to others. You have done an amazing job of taking care of your diabetes, had several children during a time when Dr.s were still telling diabetics that they couldn’t and you are an inspiration for those of us who subscribe to the “good enough” diabetes mantra.

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Sally, I think it’s a common thing that we often second guess ourselves. Diabetes is a huge self-management task that takes place over decades of our lives. You do an awesome job across many metrics that you actively measure to make sure your personal bias is kept in check.

You should think of the personal advice you would give a dear close friend in the same circumstance. Most of us would offer counsel that encourages cutting some slack when analyzing how we’re doing. You need to give yourself the same slack!

It’s a tough judgment call because we know, all too well the complications that can arise if we’re too easy on ourselves. We also know that we might suffer complications even if we’re perfect in our management.

We all know that we just do the best we can and then live life to the fullest each day.

We each vary in what tactics we think are important. There is no simple clear absolute answer. We deserve not to be judged, most of all by ourselves!

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Why was my wife talking me off the edge of the high rise? Psst, I do Weight watchers and I gained 4 pounds. Never mind I have lost 160 since i started.

So why do I do that? Because I am human.

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I’m not prone to this.

Is this a diabetes-specific thing, or does it happen in other areas of your life? Like, are you kinda perfectionist?

This spells of high conscientiousness because you use the word, “busy.” Most people on this forum are conscientious. That means we like to do work and stay busy. But it could also indicate an ‘openness’ characteristic.

He’s looking for physical causes of ‘feeling bad.’ He’s trying to identify a common cause of not feeling physically well. Another common cause (for us, in particular, is diet). I, personally, go to pieces, emotionally, if I don’t sleep enough or eat enough.

No. Some people with diabetes don’t ever look for something better. But, you know probably know that.

I’m voting that you might be naturally higher on Neuroticism scale. Neuroticism is a tendency towards negative emotion. That’s a temperament that people can be born with. It’s also something that can develop as a result of life experience, but its almost certainly ‘born in,’ at least to some degree. Take this with a grain of salt because I’m naturally low in neuroticism, so everyone seems a little neurotic to me. It is neither ‘right’ nor ‘wrong’ to have a certain predisposition towards a particular personality trait. All personality traits give people an advantage (and disadvantage) in different situations. That why our brains have evolved that way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjRMvrKuf8c

If you feel like your feeling more negative emotions than you would like, or that you are far out on the scale (compared to other people), then you could talk with your Doc about if you two think an Rx could improve something here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewU7Vb9ToXg&t=231s Because of who you are, I bet you have already done most everything in your power to impact this.

I agree with @Firenza, if you are on this forum, you are usually one of the group of people that is striving to stay in control of your numbers. And if you are a regular on this forum it means you are probably striving for being a person staying in better control of your numbers. More of a type A versus a type B type of thing.

But I have learned a few things. Things go wrong sometimes, sometimes it’s your own fault, sometimes it’s completely out of your control, sometimes it’s a blend. And we have to make these constant adjustments, and we are likely too because we are the group that is driven to do so.

I used to freak more if a day went out of range, but then I started having more pod/site failures and it brought the idea that not hitting my goals every single day is okay. I am doing my best at the level that makes me happy. So if I randomly eat something knowing that I am going to spike some, it’s okay, it makes me happy. It’s not to say I do that constantly, But I have learned to let go of some of the strings.

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Yup, I agree - this is a type A thing.

I can relate. It’s amazing how much a random number can affect my emotions.

I don’t think there’s any solution, I just need to accept that it’s a part of my life as a diabetic and type A personality.

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Our type A personalities all mellow a bit with age. I might even end up a type B if I live to 125

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Sally,

I was in the ER today after a reaction and loss of consciousness.

After the anger at myself for decisions that, in retrospect were “stupid,” I always remind myself that each time bG gets high or low is an opportunity to review historic occurrences to add to my mental-database as reminders of how these situations progress.

If I can add to that database, the experience was not wasted.

Doug (T1Dm for 63 of my 65-plus years)

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