Why why WHY!

I am usually varying between different levels of wanting to die and desperately wanting to find my way and live. Lately I've been wanting to find my way and live, but I've found that the universe is cruel. I've always been interested in the medical field. I've wanted to go to school to be a physician assistant or a doctor, but it's just too expensive and out of my reach. Well lately I've had a dream of mine that I thought I killed a long time ago come back - that of being a paramedic or EMT. I was also told a long time ago that there was absolutely no possibility of this because I was a type 1 diabetic, so I let it go (letting go is much easier when you're a kid might I add). It's back now though, and I can't get my mind off of it. I literally cannot stop thinking about how I might work around any challenge or block I might be presented with, but if there's a law against diabetics being paramedics then I'm sunk. I'm just...ugh, my mind is just running all the time. I need to find a path for my life because I'm getting old and I haven't done anything. I need to make a difference. I need to feel like I haven't been a failure. Can you see how I'm kinda just flipping back and forth between suicide and life? I can't do this anymore. I live for other people (I take care of my ailing parents, and I'm not trying to complain about that but...) and I always have, and I need to do something for me. Is that incredibly selfish? Is this a wrong attitude to have? I know I screwed my life up royally when I didn't go to college right away after high school. I was depressed, didn't care about anything, and didn't plan on being around past 25 at the very most. I have nothing to show for my waste of a life, and I'm so sorry for what might happen because of it. I hate this.

Well there is only one way to go forward. Find places that train and certify EMT's for testing. There are schools that do this. Every state has them. Find 3, not 1. Call them up and make an appointment. Tell them of your desire and potential limitations and see what they say. After interviews you will know the licensing procedure, steps to get into school and what you should expect after school.

This will be a bumpy road. So get used to it. Education is not delivered on a silver platter where you can pick and choose only what you want. I might add it should never be delivered like that. The first step in being educated is commitment, but commitment would action is wasted effort.

So yeah go fight for what you want. But do not fight yourself, instead fight the system, fight to not fail, fight to succeed. But fight you must. if you wish to win.

I am no genius by any stretch of the imagination and I got passing but not great grades. Still at 51 my career mostly behind me, I went to school to obtain my Doctorate degree. Why people asked, that is dumb, you will never use it, you are past your prime. Well yeah, but here is why, I wanted too. At age 55 with no job and no sense of ever working again, I was awarded my doctorate. So why the effort, cost, why the fight? I wanted too. Frankly that is good enough reason. So if it consumes you then take action up to the point you do not want it anymore. But do not expect it do be handed to you. Expect instead you will need to fight for it. The biggest thing conquer in your quest is you. Want to finish? Start. Want to be sad don't try, I can only guarantee two things: if you do not try, it ill not happen and if you do not start you already know the end.

The first step? Go interview programs and see where things stand, then think, how do (I) work around those obstacles. All other paths forward insure failure. Good luck with the interviews........................rick

So very well said, rick.

Are you being treated for your depression? If not, do it! And if so, good. You have the energy and motivation you will need.

It's time for you to act, Cara. Do you have someone to talk to your projects about and who might send you lots of encouragement? Hope so! START right now. Not tomorrow or next week. Look up the information Rick talked about (such good advice) and you'll be on your way! Go, go, go. You can do it! We're here to encourage you!

Get back to us soon and tell us what you have done, OK?

I didn't think I was gonna live to be very old either, and here I am 40 years past diagnosis. I made a lot of regretful decisions because of it. Please go after everything you want from this life.

Here is a link I foundhttp://emtlife.com/threads/diabetic-emt.18403/
Most of the replies seem to say "yes", however, with everything you see on the internet, it may be subject to interpretation.

hahaha Kathy, i thought I'd be dead at 40 and I woke up at 45 and said what happened to the plan? Why am I still here talk about a shock. It is amazing the percentage that live long full lives. I am glad i did.

Cara, I second what Mari said about therapy. ti made a big difference for me and I suspect that if you looked into things, it would make a difference in how you process things. A good therapist will not solve issues, but they help you see other truths. I am glad I go.

I'll just add my voice to the chorus about getting help. Depression and I are old friends, we know each others' ways intimately. After a long time wallowing in the bottom of the pit, I finally got "sick and tired of being sick and tired". Looked in the mirror one day and said to the person there, "You don't seem able to fix this yourself. Go find someone who can." So I did. And they did. Enough said.

“break it down” whatever you decide to do - get therapy, go to school- break down the steps. If you are depressed, you probably have very little energy, and doing new things is anxiety raising. For instance, find the phone number of the therapist the first day, make an appointment the second, etc.

Thanks everyone for the comments. They mean a lot. I'm not gonna write a book here, even though I could. Just wanna say that I appreciate your thoughts and encouragement, and I'm taking it to heart. I've been being treated for depression for a few years now, but I need something more in my life. Maybe it's because my mom is dying from liver failure, maybe it's because my dad has the ambulance called on him at least a few times a month because the idiot lets his blood sugar drop into the 20s, I dunno. I just need...something more. I'm gonna have a LONG way to go (I don't even have my drivers license yet - got royally discouraged when I was younger and had to go see a damn doctor just so they could tell me what I already knew (that I was fine to drive) so I didn't bother. If I needed to drive for an emergency, and it did happen a couple times, I just took the car and went. Luckily I never got pulled over, haha. Anyway, thanks again for listening/reading. I'll probably post periodically, updates and stuff. My first goal is the license, and after that things should smooth out a little.

we are all here to help each other so WELCOME