The first month of my diagnoses was stressful but in a way, so much easier then where I am at now. Emotionally speaking, I am full to the brim with sadness and anger, and it is spilling over more and more as the days wear on. I feel like I have no control over my life anymore. There are so many people around me who speak and write about this disease being something they control and that they have learned to live with, but I still can’t imagine being there.
About 2 weeks after diagnoses, I remember reading about people withholding their insulin. I said to my mom “I will never, ever do that”. And I believed it. Now, 1 month later, I find myself seriously struggling to maintain order and routine. It is a control thing. If there is one thing I can control, I tell myself, it is choosing whether or not to take that damn insulin. The stupidest part? I am fully aware of the repercussions of my choices. I know fully well what happens to those who do not take their insulin. Yet, at the end of the day, there is a block, something is intervening and I am not doing it.
It is double hard, because I am fighting the urge to continue doing something and at the same time, fully aware that it is irresponsible to not be doing it. So now, I get angry at myself twice. I spoke to a woman with type 1 diabetes last night, who just became pregnant. It was really sobering for me to hear her story, and to recognize this inner struggle within myself, that inf act so many other diabetics have experienced/are experiencing. She has cataracts in her eyes at age 31, from years of poor insulin therapy. I also want to have children someday.
But, when I hear things like “you automatically lose 12 years of your life as a diabetic”, my heart breaks and plummets down low to the depths of my seemingly unavoidable despair.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to control this. I want to make the choice to see the glass as half full, to not allow myself to be a victim. I have even enrolled in Therapy, so as to try and work through my grievance with the support of a professional. But damn, I am finding it so hard. Does anyone have any ideas on tools that I can incorporate into my tool belt of life, in order to come out on top? Right now I am just alienating myself from my friends and family.
I am also struggling in trying to figure out how to incorporate my diabetes into my life as a working person. I was diagnosed while unemployed, and am still unemployed. I have had a few job interviews, and will continue to have them until finding the right job, but I am petrified and ignorant about the protocol of informing my employers. I work as a nanny, and I feel like it is important, but I also don’t want to be judged from the get go, solely based on the fact that I have diabetes. At the same time, I don’t know how to tactfully inform who I will be working for, of the circumstances.
I already feel like giving up on this disease and I am not even 2 months into it, and I can’t give up on it anyway so what’s the point.