This was originally posted to my blog, Diabetes Odyssey.
Lots of cussing ahead
This was my dream last night.
It is Easter Sunday and myself and my entire family (except for my husband and his family) are going to church.
I don’t want to be there. I’m not feeling it. For some reason I’m just feeling really edgy and grumpy.
My family and I sit all together toward the back of the church because it’s a full house and these were the only seats open.
The service starts and everyone gets up to sing. There is a group of women performing and leading the worship.
I just become more and more annoyed and angry. My sister tries to calm me down and cheer me up. It doesn’t work.
I get up and mumble something like “screw this ■■■■, I can’t stand this.” And I storm out of the church via a path through the front pulpit area. It’s the only way out since the church is so crowded.
Instead of walking home or anywhere else, I end up at another church. My family finds me there. We all walk in together. I accidentally bump the shoulder of a woman as I walk in and she drops her plate with a pancake on it. I mumble a “sorry” through my grumpy face, but apparently she doesn’t hear it.
We sit down. Apparently this church celebrates Easter by handing out pancakes to the congregation (it’s a dream, OK). The woman I had bumped is helping to hand out pancakes, she looks at me and see’s my pump and says in a very snarky tone, “Oh, you’re a diabetic so you can’t eat pancakes. I won’t give you one then.”
That’s it! I’ve had enough! I get up and walk very determined and angrily over to the woman.
“It’s people like you that make people like me hate God.”
I grab her by her hair and walk her roughly outside. My family are all calling and following behind me, beckoning me to stop, calm down, let her go.
“We’re looking for peace. We’re looking for help and guidance. But all we find are hypocritical bitches like you! You come to church on Sunday. You’re so involved. But you’re no christian. You’re just a ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■!”
She pleads with me to let her go. She offers no apology, she just wants to be away from me.
“God made me this way. He cursed me with this disease. It’s his fault! I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve it. And you only prove to me through your despicable behavior that your God is not good.”
Everyone gasps. I feel deep within myself all the sunken hearts of my family. I feel I’ve lost them all.
But I continue…
“But it’s alright.” I let the woman’s hair go. “Because your God doesn’t exist. He’s just your fantasy. If you need to delude yourself in order to make it through this ■■■■■■ up life, go ahead.”
I walk away from it all…
I wake up.