Co-workers who use food to socialize - is it a generational thing?

Diabetes Advocacy Self Advocacy
1

O.k. I need advice. I'm a Gen Xer who has a different viewpoint on food at work than my colleagues. For several reasons food has never been a security blanket/socializing/comfort thing for me. I "eat to live, not live to eat". Also, do to my food allergies, I have to be very careful with what I eat so I am not big on office parties.

However, on every job I'm always stuck with people who love to throw big office parties, bringing in food, and forcing food on others. "Just a bite, a bite won't hurt anyone." "I made it so you could eat some", etc. Those who don't participate are blacklisted as anti-social.

Since my diabetes diagnosis (and even before), my appetite has all but disappeared and I've lost alot of weight. I already wasn't eating much, and now I'm really not eating and what I do want to eat or crave is healthy foods and alot of water. Of course, I've received alot of snide remarks from co-workers about my weight loss but they don't know about my health, yet they do suspect something.

Well, now there are two people in the division pushing for a pizza party and ice cream social, and because the main office (we are in a remote location) has had theirs, these two knuckleheads are adament that it must be done here. The head boss has agreed. Now mind you, it's August we have 1 refrigerator, no oven, 1 microwave (reheat only) no health services on site.

Murphy law always kicks in and someone will get sick. Someone always gets sick this time of year from eating the wrong food. The main location has a full-blown cafeteria and workers that serves them this type of food so they can have these types of activities. We are in the boonies. There are two urgent care clinics nearby. And who will have to take care of the sick---me.

Then my BG will drop and I'll have to get all my glucose tabs to get it back up. I'm not a happy camper when my BG drops. I'm tired of cleaning up other people's messes. These are older people (Baby Boomers) who are just selfish and acting childish, reverting back to 1st and 2nd graders. They'll eat, make a mess, food everywhere, and the custodians and I will have to clean it and them up after they upchuck over everything.

Anyone have any advice?

2

I don't mind pizza parties. I like to remind the organizers to order one or two large pizzas just for me because I only eat the toppings and throw out the crust.

3

Based on the tally, the older generation is for the pizza party and the younger generation is not. Final deadline is the end of the workday. I would rather the money be spent on a bonus. If that couldn't be done at least an administrative leave day, a gift card for each of us, or a longer lunch break for x days.

Give me time off instead. But each his/her own I guess.

4

I have a couple different responses to your post, Kate. First and foremost, I understand. I don't have allergies, but I am a vegetarian, have 20 years recovery from an eating disorder, and of course, I'm a diabetic. Oh yes, and I'm also a foodie. I now live in a rural area where people's idea of "good eating" is often quite different than mine. In 20 years of not eating sugar I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "It's not very sweet." My nephew recently told me what restaurant the family was meeting at for
a get together (in the city) and said, "They have really excellent gourmet vegetarian pizza for you, Zoe." It's like people can only "get" one dietary restriction: vegetarian or diabetic (carb limits) - not both.

So yes, I totally "get" how annoying it can be to have people misunderstanding, pushing food and even to be hungry with nothing you either can or want to eat. Food is very basic, and whether you are a "foodie" or "eat to live" it brings up very core feelings. On the other hand, we have to live in this world, where sharing food is a basic human way to connect. I wanted to sit at a table sharing food with my family so I found a way to do that and eat something I could accept (though not my top choice - in that case higher carb than I prefer).

I also totally get how you feel about work gatherings. Working in the Psyc field I've been to more conferences and "team building" events than I can count. I didn't care for or actively disliked much of it. But it goes with the job. Early in my career I realized that being negative or what's perceived as "not a team player" wouldn't serve me well either in my career, or honestly, just the inter-personal interaction between people necessary in any work environment.

Here's the part you won't like: Your attitude is a bit over the line into superiority and even hostility. Your portrayal of baby boomers (and yes, I am one) is condescending and ageist. Gen X (and the rest of the letters) and baby boomers all have pluses and minuses, annoying attitudes and strengths. To look down on and stereotype one group isn't going to win you any friends or even pleasant coworkers. So my suggestion is to take care of yourself first, whether it's by bringing your own food, suggesting salads to go with pizza (or bringing some yourself), eating before or after and just sipping iced tea, etc. Then find a way to live with the rest of it, with as others said, a polite but firm, "no thank you" and focusing on the team building interactions that are the point of office get togethers to begin with. Or at least, connecting with the one or two people you do like and ignoring all the things that bug you.

5

Thanks Zoe for the feedback. I guess in my e-mail I should have made preface before I began the references beteween Baby Boomers and Gen Xers. This is how the older staff (I mean age, not seniority) has divided the division in their minds, not necessarily how the younger group (age, not necessarily ranking) see themselves. Truth be told, there are three factions on site--Baby Boomers, Gen Xers, and Millenials.

The older generation has self-identified themselves that way and every chance they get they point out the differences rather than work together. It has made it difficult at times to work since there are different philosophies in the way problems are approached and solved.

Many of the GenXers see work as work and then celebrate after work or go to a restaurant to unwind at lunch. Whereas the mature folks want potlucks and "don't bring it if it's not home cooked", and I don't want to spend money going out to lunch. The Millenials do not want to socialize with anyone, since everyone is just a work associate.

Again, I'm only speaking for the organization I'm working at currently. All the departments here have supervisors at the home office, so no one is anyone's boss, and everyone does separate functions.

Since the offices cannot be closed during the "party" or "social", basically it's just get the food and go back to your cubby.

I'm just staying out of it.

6

Interesting, Kate....and somewhat unfortunate! While I don't disagree that different generations have different ways of looking at and doing things, I see those as different approaches and different strengths, all of which can contribute to the whole. (Though you do say everyone does separate functions). I've never seen things so broken down by age or generation! Personally I consider work to be work, though I do enjoy good relationships with colleagues (some of whom I genuinely like, some whom I just want to work with well). I also like going out to lunch AND having potlucks. Personally I can't imagine specifying it has to be homemade! From me it always is because I like to cook and am good at it. Others don't have the time or inclination so they pick something up. Whatever works for each person - there always seems to be sufficient variety.

It's unfortunate if the older generation sets themselves apart (and, I assume, above) from others. I personally enjoy and value people in all age groups. I have no idea really what sort of place it is, but something tells me a "site supervisor" or "coordinator" might help get people to see each others' strengths and stop the divisiveness. On a personal note, if the Baby Boomers are as obnoxious as you describe, I hope you take the opportunity to recognize that not all of us are like that. From your description of people getting sick, throwing up and needing to be cleaned up it sounds more like you work in a nursing home than an office with responsible professional 60-somethings as part of your staff.

Yep, staying out of it (nicely) might be the best idea! Especially if it is just grab something to eat (or not) and head back to your cubby, it should be easy to do.

7

I can totally relate. Between diabetes and a lot of food allergies (some of which are severe), I honestly hate potlucks or work gatherings where food is brought in. It is not relaxing in any way for me to eat food when I'm guessing carbohydrate counts and ingredients, and even less so when people don't understand why I won't eat some things.

I've started bringing my own food to all of these types of events. If people ask (and they always do) then I just explain that I have diabetes and severe food allergies. If they persist (and they sometimes do) then I get a bit more specific about what I'm allergic to and what the risks are (and with any type of buffet or potluck, the risk is high).

My colleagues at work protested the first time or two, but soon realized that I wasn't going to change. I do try and eat things when it is safe—like I will eat a couple pieces of fruit from a fruit platter. Still a risk because I'm guessing nutritional information and because it's often nearby a yogurt or dip, but it makes me feel more included and makes people happy that I'm eating something, even if it's just one small thing.

I do find one thing that helps a lot is to be very clear with people about what will happen if you do eat something. You'll have to take a wild guess at your insulin dose to eat that piece of cake and could end up with really high or really low blood sugar in an hour or two. Or you could have a severe allergic reaction and end up needing an EpiPen if your food contains or even touches your allergen. As soon as colleagues realized that I was not joking or exaggerating and that my participation had everything to do with my safety and nothing to do with not liking the food, they backed off a lot. I just ignore the occasional comment I still get, or if I'm in an educational type of mood I'll try to educate the person.

As for cleaning up, I don't mind helping to clean up after a potluck at all (although in my workplace usually everyone helps). I do get a bit uncomfortable touching plates if people have been eating things I'm severely allergic to, because I've had reactions from just encountering food in the environment without actually eating it. Getting some disposable gloves might be a good solution (I'm thinking of myself here).

I do think fitting in and making friends of colleagues at work is really important (and I'm a Millennial) as this makes work about a thousand times more fun (or tolerable) than it might otherwise be. Unfortunately for those of us with diabetes and food allergies, in a lot of workplaces connecting with colleagues means a lot of potlucks and celebrations of various sorts that involve food.

8

No, I wish. I do work in an office, but for some reason I've been dubbed "Office Mother" by everyone--even the older generation. Each one makes a point to let me know when they are sick (even though I'm not their supervisor) or drop their troubles on me. All the while making a mess without cleaning up after themselves.

Before this job, I was the life of the party--very outgoing, spontaneous, and witty. Now I just go home and crash because everyone is so needy. Now my friends take turns coming by and sneaking me out for lunch. I could handle the environment before my own health drama, but now I need more self-reflection and quiet time for myself.

I'm going to try to hang on another year, and then probably move on.

Thinking it through, I don't think I'm against having the party, it's the clean up afterwards. In the past, things like that irritated me but not overtly, but now with my D-diagnosis plus my RA it just seems like these little things seem big. I think because I lack the energy to clean up after them.

I may play hookie that day.

9

Personally, if I was having to clean up after colleagues' vomit I would be going to HR to complain! That sounds a bit ridiculous for a (presumably professional) workplace.

10

That's the reason I'll probably play hookie that day or schedule an offsite meeting, because the custodial staff only work part-time. Everyone is suppose to do their part to keep the office clean. But, it seems it lands on me. When I complain, I'm always told that we are all in this together, work together.

11

Yeah, but if if people are throwing up (as a regular occurrence) that is something that should not be happening in a professional environment ... What are people eating that makes them so sick on a regular basis that they end up abandoning everything to you?

It also sounds to me like you might be in an unhealthy work environment overall (above and beyond just office parties). One of the most important things I learned in a previous job is that NOTHING is worth staying in an unhealthy workplace.

12

Jen, co-workers are sick with health problems, but they are in denial. So they eat things they shouldn't that makes them sick. Then they leave work sick and call into work sick for a couple of days.

There's one lady who will get sick from eating spicy foods (she has high BP, high cholesterol) and get her husband sick (by bringing home a doggie bag)--he's T2 diabetic and heart patient on a restricted diet. Then she'll call in saying she's at the ER with him and he's being admitted with heart problems. Mostly due to the food she gave him from the party. She's normally in and out for about a week after a party with vision problems due to her BP.

There's a couple more that will be out for doctor's appointment or at the drugstore getting Pepto Bismol because they eat stuff that they aren't suppose to eat for health reasons--whatever it may be--pizza, chicken, ribs, BBQ, gumbo, popcorn, cheese, tamales ice cream, etc. So they have either an upset stomach or diarhhea or both.

There's a few of us healthy people that don't gorge and don't get sick and we end up running the place--a runner, a vegan, and me. The runner and I stay away from the food and the vegan works part-time and happy it's gone when she gets there--she says she can't take the smell.

I don't know if they overeat, if their systems rebel, or if they just shouldn't mix the food with their meds.

13

Either you work in the most toxic work environment ever, or you are overly dramatic and self-absorbed. One thing for sure, you are borrowing trouble. People really don't care if you eat or not, even if they offer the food to you. And I've worked in dozens of offices over decades and have never seen anyone throw up after an office party. It's pizza, for goodness sakes. Millions of people eat it every day and don't suffer. And the whole categorizing people's personalities by age, (and of course, your group comes out on top) is silly and immature. I'm guessing your coworkers have picked up on your attitudes and are maybe poking at you a little bit. Try something new: go to the lunch, smile and greet your coworkers, explain you don't eat the food because of health concerns, and spend a few minutes getting to know people. As people, not stereotypes. You only have to spend a few minutes.

14

I didn't say I didn't talk and socialize with them. I said I don't party with them. I can't afford to say---"hmmm, I'm not going to work today, let's party".

Big difference. They could care less about my food allergies as long as I eat what they eat and "party" like they do. They don't follow their own doctor's orders, and yes they get sick from eating food that they are not supposed to eat. There is no nurse on staff, and the closest urgent care is at least a mile away. But HR says I would need to call 911.

I still have to listen to all the drama in their lives whenever they feel like it because my boss says I must have an "open door policy". They get to come into my office and disturb my work under the pretense of a work problem, then they squat for 45 minutes yet I can't do the same.

I have no problem with socializing, but don't take advantage of the situation to get out of working. Sitting listening to them tell "war stories" of when I was your age, your generation has done nothing compared to my generation, etc., etc. wears on your nerves after a while.

When their partying gets loud and rowdy and I shut my door, but then I'm labeled not a team player. I'm not their supervisor so I can't say anything to them about goofing off.

So they are working right now to schedule their next "office" party this week. I'm working on scheduling a luncheon with friends to be out of the office during that time and whatever happens I will not be involved.

15

You aren't their supervisor, but if you have already spoken to your co-workers about your concerns around them making you feel uncomfrotable when you want to work or when you don't want to eat their food (and if you haven't, you should) and they are still harassing you about it, then you have a supervisor who presumably also has an open-door policy. Or you have an HR person or a health and safety person who should have an open-door policy. Even if that person is not their supervisor, he/she should be able to pass on your concerns. In my experience over many years of dietary restrictions (my entire life), people may ask me several times why I'm not eating something, but I've never been harassed about it (or about the way I work), even if I do sometimes get annoyed that one "No, thanks" isn't enough.

You can't control what your co-workers eat. It doesn't sound like any of this is a life-or-death issue—and even if it was, you can't control what your co-workers eat. I worked at a school once where a substitute teacher ate brownies and other treats people brought in knowing that she had a life-threatening allergy to nuts. I thought she was crazy and would never have taken such a risk if it were me, but I couldn't stop her from doing it and never commented on her personal choices. At most I would have called 911 and helped her use her EpiPen if she had ever had a reaction at school. There are people walking around with severe food allergies or diabetes who choose not to disclose their health issues to those around them, or choose not to carry epinephrine, or choose not to take insulin to cover food. If your co-workers are eating stuff they shouldn't at office parties then there's a good chance they're eating stuff they shouldn't at home and at other social events. You shouldn't worry about what they are eating or their health or how much work they are missing—that's for their supervisor to worry about if it's interfering with productivity or there are too many absences.

And as for cleaning up the lunch room, I would clean up the tables and put leftovers in the fridge and wipe down the tables, and leave it at that. If food sits in the fridge to the point that it goes moldy or rancid, or food has spilled all over tables and floors after a party and would require hours to clean (and an office party shouldn't be like a rowdy house party where things are destroyed), bring it up as a health and safety issue. Many offices have rotating schedules of people who are responsible for keeping the lunch or kitchen area clean (this is how mine works).

I'm not sure what generational differences have to do with any of this. I work in a field where I am 10 years younger than the next youngest people, and 20-30 years younger than the vast majority. It shouldn't really have much impact on how you interact with people.

16

You're so right Jen. I've got to worry about me and my health. I plan to address my concerns with my boss as to my role in the division--it needs to be clarified. My boss has hinted he may retire in the next year or so; therefore, I need to keep my eyes open to any openings back at the home office.

17

I’m having a very hard time following— your coworkers are going to have a rowdy pizza / ice cream party ad eat so much that they vomit and peer pressure you to do the same which you won’t but you’ll have to clean up the vomit which could cause hypoglycemia and you’re concerned that the urgent care is a mile away and there’s no nurse in your office? Do I have it all right?

18

I really think what you're describing is the basis for making some sort of a complaint higher up in your organization. If people are regularly having office parties where they gorge themselves and vomit all over and don't clean it up themselves that is totally crazy. You should refuse to clean up and I would try not to be there if that is the case.

I would go to any social events you can attend, whether food is present or not, which don't have that type of behavior, unless they all do, and either bring your own food or just have a drink of some sort and chat with people to get to know them better. I rarely go to work social events, sometimes there are events with food, usually they have a vegetable platter and water so if I want to eat I can eat that and once a semester the chair gets pizza for people. I havent eaten any pizza since I was diagnosed and now I'm pretty much gluten free so when I was offered some I simply said I don't eat pizza etc. due to D. In the past before D diagnosis I did go to a couple of holiday parties and brought some food, the food was great. People sometimes have cookies/candy etc. around the holidays. but no one pushes anything and I just bypass it.

We don't have very many food oriented events- I used to get bagels and cream cheese for my classes on the last days when we did presentations, but now I don't and had actually stopped before D diagnosis etc. I don't see this as a generational thing at all really, it just seems you are in a bad work environment. I would seriously consider a complaint or looking for another job. I certainly wouldn't want to work in that type of environment and be cleaning that up, it's not your job.
19

Thanks meee. That was my plan to just let everything go to pot and be absent. Yesterday came a 180 turn of events. The co-planner of shindig informed me that her request for the party has been changed by the main boss' secretary. Basically, the requestors wanted the boss to pay for the party this week. His secretary said change of plans--he wants to be present at the party and to schedule around Thanksgiving or Christmas when the executives aren't present.

The gang's not happy. They're saying people will be taking vacation, but the boss isn't budging. So I don't know what will happen. Takes some heat off me since they'll be on their best behavior.

When I and others were bringing in little nibble items, and king cakes for brunch and special days like Mardi Gras it was just to grab a bite and back to your office. Instead, they want to shut down the place and eat and goof off (which we aren't allowed to do), but with the boss here they can't. He may just drop in and drop out. Then we still have the one that eats until he gets sick who wants to bring a full-fledge BBQ pit which is in violation of our lease agreement with our landlord.

20

Maybe you can go and leave when the bosses do? Let them clean up their own mess etc.! lol