D & d #3

Diabetes and Dialysis #3

Today marks the two week anniversary. Two weeks ago today I received the news that my kidney function was critical and that I would have to start dialysis.

In the past two weeks the I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster. On one hand I was told I needed to start dialysis. On the other hand I have not been placed on dialysis yet. On one hand I have been told that my kidney function (or lack thereof) is critical. On the other hand no one seems to be rushing any of the tests. On one hand...how come I feel like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof?

Those not religious in nature might not understand this statement, but I am fighting mad at God. I want to climb to the top of the mast and have it out with God like Lt. Dan did in Forrest Gump (okay that is the end of the cheesy movie/musical references).

But I am fighting mad at God. I used to do visitations with a church I was a member of and I learned all the comforting words to say to people when a loved one is sick and in the hospital or near death. All those words are now coming back right in my face. I know (for me at least) God is in control. I know (again, for me at least) that there is a plan for all of this. I guess all I want is just a little look into what that plan is.

I want someone to tell me what I need to change. What I can and cannot eat. What I can and cannot drink. What should be my daily fluid intake. What I need to do to assist the process? Will somebody please tell me something!!

If I did get that information from one of the doctors I am seeing I am not sure I would follow it. Is it denial? No. I think it's just the opinion that I was dialysis to kiss my...you get the picture.

None of these feelings is new. I had these same feelings when I got told I was T2 in 1988. You would think that I would be better at handling these feelings the second time around. I mean this is not an immediate death sentence. When you get right down to it there are definitely worse things to have. But the timing of this could not have been worse given other things that are going on in my life at the moment. Now to that the fear that I will lose my job because I need to get hooked up to a machine three times a week. Loss of job. Loss of insurance. Loss of freedom.

I have stated in the earlier D & D blog posts that I know they are waiting until I show more physical signs. That is part of the reason I have stopped reading about them. I worry about every little ache and pain. I worry about every little upset stomach. Is this the sign that I need to get hooked up? Should I go to the ER? Should I go see my primary doctor...again? Do I wait until I am running a fever? Is my lack of appetite because of my kidneys or is it because of all the stress that I am heaping upon myself?

Like the Keystone Cops (you younger folks will have to google that one) I am chasing the car that keeps running in circles. My kidneys are no longer filtering to wastes out of my blood stream and I am adding to it by not eating right (barely eating at all) and putting my stress-o-meter into overload.

Will I get better? Yes. Will it be soon? Probably not.

I got the ultra-sound done on my arm yesterday to see if I have veins good enough to install the plumbing to allow access to the machine. Now once again it is time to sit back and wait. Not something I do very well.

Lots, thank you for the kind words. I know I have seen them written down before. Many of them in respopnses I write to people just dx'd. Little harder when it is me that is getting hit with all of it. I am trying my best to focus on one thing at a time. Take care of it and then move on to the next one. Right now its the grandson and everything going on with that. Works for a while at least.

Take care and thanks again.

Sparky I am really very disturbed about your situation. Like in limbo between a rock and a hard place. Sigh.
I started dialysis when I was recovering from the respiratory failure and still in pretty rough shape and not totally aware of what was going on around me. My mind was not exactly working so I did not have a lot of thoughts rumbling through.
Can you ask your doctor just a few simple questions: When will I start dialyis? What should I be eating? How much should I be drinking? I would think they would be pretty easy for someone to answer. Or, would you be comfortable calling the office and asking to speak to a nurse - sometimes they have a bit more time to chat.
You, as a medical consumer, have a right to get your questions answered - do not become complacent.
Since I have also had major retinopathy, I am constantly on the lookout for symptoms of more complications, whether real or imagined. I had a little touch of pneumonia a couple of weeks ago. When I went to my PCP on Friday, they took 6 tubes of blood and I panicked. What are they looking for? Is it something really bad?
When I got up to the exam room he said everything looked okay. I then said, "what other tests did you do - I noticed there were 6 tubes of blood" and then he went over each test with me. Had I not asked, I would have worried about them, even though he said everything was okay.
I see my dear friend Lots left you a lot of wisdom in her message. She is uch a kind lady.
I don't know what your job hours are, but my unit started people at 5 in the morning - then they were done by 9.
Please check your PMs.