Thank you very much for this post! I will try my best!
Yeah I miss that careless time without thinking about food or what to eat or how many carbs or fat or proteins. I thought by skipping carbs I at least would get some peace of mind, but it got more complicated!
I always think about DrB quote "My mouth waters whenever I pass a bakery shop and sniff the aroma of fresh bread, but I am also grateful simply to be alive and sniffing"... And my non-ability to relate to it. He could reverse many health issues by going to the strict low carb diet for so many years.
I am hopefully preventing them, but this is not tangible and not strong motivator. I can not possible think about all complications, scaring myself doesn't motivate me on a daily basis.
I know that my behavior is irrational when I think undo undo undo. I was healthy before D, and this is too new reality to accept - I am not healthy any longer, despite of what everyone around me are saying. I got angry at my therapist actually when she said that I should think of D as a lifestyle not a disease. I did not choose that life style! Even if I was eating moderate carbs past 10 years, working out, it was my choice, not when some stupid invisible BG says to me to do so. I feel like my 2 year old toddler, ready to throw tantrums!
It did not change a whole lot in my life, but when the reality hit me, i got very frustrated. I could occasionally indulge in some foods in my previous life but now it will result in crazy numbers, crazy insulin, feeling bad, tired etc. It is not worth it, but I still want to be able to do it ...
I wonder why you are so invested in Bernstein's teachings. Frankly I think you have a mistaken impression of Bernstein's popularity in the US. The number of T1's who actually follow his teaching (i.e. the number that eat 30g carb or less per day) is vanishingly small. He has a very small number of (very ardent) followers. Even the most vocal Bernstein supporters here at Tu do not follow his diet, as they freely admit.
If you were happy and healthy eating a moderate carb diet for the past 10 years, then why did you decide you needed to throw it out the window and start eating only sausage, butter and cheese when it makes you miserable and causes you to gain weight?
Why not instead try to adapt your diabetes to the diet that you were happy eating for the last 10 years while maintaining a good weight? It may be time you put the Bernstein book away and think about whether you really want to eat his diet for the rest of your life. Do you really like the diet he prescribes, which prohibits so many foods and food groups? Do you really accept that you will never eat another orange, or another carrot, or another tomato, or another piece of whole-grain bread?
I hardly ever eat fruit. I am always comparing food in my head and, given the carb density of fruit, I can always find stuff in other food groups I'd prefer...
Yes, I know you like beer. Berstein doesn't allow that either. :)
Apples always lose vs. Guinness!
I basically could eat whatever I wanted to in the past and not worry too much because although I'm not an athlete by any means I'm quite active and I was blessed with good genes in that area, but I mostly ate a balanced healthy moderate carb diet. As far as the carbs go… it is really up to you to see what works for you, you may find moderate carb works better than lo carb. I do fairly low carb because it works best for me, but personally I think it is ok to eat those foods sometimes and not make yourself feel so deprived if you need to. Also as Lots said, having had a baby can affect how you feel physically too and having to manage new D and a young baby is not easy by any means but you're doing a great job! I don't like my bg dictating my life either but that is the way it goes a lot of the time now. So I try to think of it as Lots does a lot of the time, being good to myself, testing when I need to, taking that walk when I need to and making myself and my health the priority. I think it will get easier over time for you hopefully. I'm not sure if you're on a pump but a lot of people say they feel freer on a pump in terms of food and everything else. You may want to try symlin also if you haven't. I was on that for a bit but I had too many hypos on it. It did make me feel a lot less hungry though. I find eating more fat helps too, nuts, cheese and so on as well as drinking lots of water. I wouldn't think about that stuff all the time, you will just drive yourself crazy and make life miserable.
Have you tried substituting other things for regular bread? Maybe low carb bread like the Julien bakery breads? I recently started having almond & hazelnut flour pancakes which are so yummy and I plan to make some cookies soon too. Clare just sent me a link for cauliflower crust pizza which I'm going to try minus the pineapple. http://www.recipegirl.com/2012/01/16/cauliflower-crust-hawaiian-pizza/ There are still plenty of things we can eat which are great! I always ate a lot of raw veggies in the past and love them, which makes me think I was a rabbit in another life :)
As far as the resolving of all the emotions that come with D that is very personal too, and it may be a life long thing- there may be changes over time of how you deal with it all that. I personally will always be hoping for a cure or a much better treatment than what we have and I won't give up on that- I believe in progress. If they find one that works, I may even kiss the ground and risk the germs, lol.
Instead of telling you it will or wont get easier, because every aspect of having diabetes differs from person to person, I will tell you my story. It is something I have written about since I was diagnosed in '93. One of these days I may actually let others read my story, until then I share the short version as often as I can to try and help others whom are on what feels like the same road.
When I was diagnosed at 11 years old, i felt my life was over. I had watched my cousin go in and out of hospitals for most of our lives (he was diagnosed at the age of 2 and I was 8 months older than him). I did not want to be like him and be so sick that I spent most of my time living in a hospital. I wanted to show people that I was strong and I would concur this illness as if it was the common flu. After years of putting on the happy face mask over the depressed and scared face I had, The denial kicked in. I thought for sure I was going to die at a young age.
After the first year my A1C;s started climbing. They were constantly in the 12.5-12.9 range. I was sick of taking my meds, I was testing my sugar 2 times a month if that. I decided that I was going to live what was left of my life as I wanted and no docctor or therapist was going to tell me otherwise. I ended up doing drugs, I was a full blown alcoholic by the age of 13. Drinking any type of alcohol I could get my hands on. I was found by people passed out all over the city and would tell them, I need insulin, you may think i am drunk but my sugar is high. When the paramedics showed up they would test my sugar and sure enough, it was too high for thier meter. So they would help me inject my meds, and then they would let me go after the lvls came down enough for the meter to register. This was my life, looking back now I can tell you I had a death wish. I ended up watching several friends overdose on many different drugs, and for some reason, my life was not ended with them. This drove me into an even deeper depressed state.
It was not until a very scary hypoglycemic episode that something snapped in my brain. I woke up at around 9 am one Saturday morning. I could tell my sugar was extremely low. The last thing I remember was walking up the stairs to the kitchen. Throughout that day I vaguely remember the dreams, and paralyzed state. It was something in these dreams (mainly my grandmother who was dead and these beautiful girls whom i believe are my daughters now telling me I needed to change my lifestyle)I was "rudely" awakened at 11:30 pm that night to a Police officer sitting on my chest, one sitting at my belt line, a fire fighter on each leg and one on each foot. 2 paramedics were holding down my left arm and my younger brother and our neighbor holding down my right arm. It was at that moment that I decided to make a change. I HAVE LIVABETES! IT IS PART OF ME FOR NOW AND I MUST LEARN TO APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITIES IT GIVES ME. I also decided that I was going to call this disease Livabetes, because the word Die is just so negative. I am not sure why I had to have this severe hypo to get the epiphany that changed my life. But I am very grateful it did.
I guess what I am trying to get across here, is that we all battle in different ways. But we will only accept help if we truly seek it and want to accept it. As my grandmother told me around the time I was diagnosed. (she was a very spiritual lady) "God only gives us added struggles in life when he wants us to achieve great things. If not for these struggles we would not appreciate the small and great things we earn in this life".
Hopefully this is able to at least let you see the struggles I had and that I too continue to struggle every day. But I have come to accept the fact that I must find a median with my Livabetes. If I take care of my Livabetes, I in turn am taking care of myself.
The first time my regimen had to adjust was about a year after dx (end of honeymoon, I guess) and I went through a whole cycle of bewilderment and depression because I did not realize that is just what diabetes does--it changes and requires periodic adjustments. I have periods where all the factors (insulin, food, stress and activity level) are copacetic but other times, I spin out on lows and/or highs until I stabilize again. My meal bolus regimens have changed many times over the years and right now I am in the middle of new changes requiring upward 50% more insulin to cover meals.
I am thinking about it :-) I can definitely not stay satiated as everyone else who stays on LC diet, I think it is the main problem for me with the adopting this diet.
The other problem is unpredictability of proteins I am experiencing :(.
Hi Barney,thank you for sharing your story! I can only imagine how hard it was on you, growing up. I am happy you find the way from the dark place! I hope you will continue being strong!
At some point I am happy it happened when I am an adult, kids have it much harder :(
I've read about these experiences and people always pointing out about changes in diabetes, that is why I thought that by investing time and sticking to LC food regime will save me some time and jumps :) I was very naive. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Hi Tabacblond,
How are things going for you this week?
I hope that things stabilize for you and improve soon! In the meantime, your friends here are thinking of you and sending you supportive thoughts!
Best wishes,
marty1492
I think the most difficult aspect of diabetes is the emotional aspect. It has not been that long since your diagnosis, and it really is a life-changing event. I would say it does get better with time; not for everyone, but for me, somehow I came to see that this simply was my new life. I still get frustrated at times, because Type 1 diabetes is a very frustrating disease, but I'd say it gets better.
For me, low carb is a very bad idea, and that may be the case for you, too. I did try it for a brief time, but I was so hungry all the time, and had terrible headaches. I am just not a happy person when crazed with hunger! I simply couldn't eat enough to be satisfied. And when I had my bloodwork done, I had the highest cholesterol level I had ever had in my life, by far. But I have found that a lower carb approach actually works well for me. I eat between 100 and 120 grams per day. I really enjoy fruit, and find it easy to bolus for, or I use it to fuel my workouts.
TuDiabetes is a great place to get support from people who really understand, and it is so much easier to face this disease with your friends by your side, cheering you on.
Hi Marty!
Thanx to you guys and some changes in my diet (actually added more carbs, So I am around 50-60 gr a day right now), I feel a bit better now. I had to increase boluses, but they are more predictable now and the hunger feelings decreased. I don't look hopelessly to the future somehow. I hope it lasts a while.
I've done some tests as well (c-peptide and thyroid), waiting for results.
I am very glad I've posted this topic.
What I relief to read that someone was hungry on LC too :) I felt miserable for more than a half year, trying to understand why everyone is happy on LC but not me :). I can not force myself to eat that amount of fat, and even if I did try that, I never felt satiated anyways.
Thanks for writing!
Hi A.Barney, that is a very strong story. Congratulations on having come out the other side. And thank you for sharing your story. I really relate to it. My struggle was with an eating disorder, thank goodness I am recovered from that (yaaay!!) How are you these days?
I’m sorry to hear of your difficulties in coming to terms with this disease. Learning to live - and flourish - with diabetes is a process. This process takes a different shape for each of us and, like all processes, it takes time.
I say this to tell you that there is nothing “wrong” with what you are experiencing. I’ve been through similar emotions myself.
To answer your question: I don’t believe that the burden of living with diabetes ever gets lighter. The weight remains the same; however, you do become stronger, and are able to carry the weight with more ease. You can adapt to the weight - it’s just a matter of discovering the best way for YOU to do so. Once you notice that you’re able to carry such a heavy weight, it’ll be a great source of confidence 
For me, what has worked is this: firstly, ALLOW yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Tell yourself it’s ok. Don’t try to suppress it, or feel guilty over it. Next, try to find away to express how you’re feeling. Don’t bottle it up. Break down if you have to. This can be cathartic. Finally, make a choice to no longer focus on the negative aspects of your situation, and instead look at the positives. If you can’t see the positives, ask other diabetics. This approach has taken me time to get good at, but, once I developed the habit of doing these things, it was liberating.
The way I see it, there are both negatives and positives to any situation - and whether we see a situation as being good or bad is largely habitual. For me, optimism is unsustainable. Rather than try to fight my pessimism, I developed a few new habits (the ones I mentioned above) that allowed me to turn a negative into a positive. Perhaps my example could be a help to you?
Hi all!
Thought I'd check in and write an update. I don't know what to say. I feel very strange now, with ups and downs, they don't leave me somehow.
I tried opting carbs during Holidays, had a number, (more than I should) of cheating episodes, which resulted in super high sugars (around 13 mmol) which were hard to take down. Had to use 12,5 mm muscle injections at one point :-) but not even then it worked quickly enough. Got scared of all that insulin I was taking.
So I guess I am not ready start experimenting with more than 30 carb a day yet. I feel very insecure. My ratios seems to not work with higher carbs, I usually do it wrong.
I felt very hopeful before Holidays, but I feel that I need to start over somehow. Took 5 htp supplement before Christmas with great results, with no binging episodes, but now I feel like it stopped working.
Thank you all for sharing your stories!
Thanks, James.
I think my approach to find one solution and stick with it is very wrong, if anything I've read about D is how it changes over the time. I need to start working with acceptance somehow. But my unwillingness to have that crap disease is still jeopardizes the way to acceptance. My sick brain still thinks it will go away.
But I still can not address to D in mindfullness terms.
I simply can not understand that there is pretty much nothing I can do to undo it. When it rains, it rains.
I am so tired of breaking down and feeling sad, I make my whole family to suffer, I feel that I become a D moster - the only thing that exists is me and my freaking BG. I am really really tired of this. I want my life back, but it is not possible :(.