Diabetes has always had a place in my life. My mom was diagnosed with type 2 in her 30's before she even got pregnant with me. My dad was diagnosed with type 2 when I was 10. Even though I grew up around it, I never understood it. Maybe that is because my mom has never taken care of herself or her diabetes. I can remember my mom taking her shots without taking her blood sugar first, always having to eat at the same times, all the lows, and having to miss out on things because of her diabetes. When I was diagnosed with type 1 at 16 I thought it was a death sentence. My mom never taught me any differently and she instilled fear in me from day one. I never had a good diabetes role model and I still don't. Maybe that is why things have gotten to where they are now.
I feel like I am in for the fight of my life. I guess watching my mom NOT take care of herself made me feel like I didn't need to take care of myself either. She's still alive even though she is in complete and total denial about her diabetes. And I have spent years and years taking care of her and her lows.
It started out innocently. My friends really didn't understand diabetes and they told me to get over it. I just wanted to be normal like them. I didn't want to worry about counting cards, taking my sugar and insulin or worrying about lows, so I started not taking shots when I was around them. I found out really fast that not taking my insulin meant losing weight and being able to eat anything I wanted. And also being "normal". This started when I was 18. I played around with my insulin for years. About 6 months ago, I finally told my primary care doctor what I was doing. No one had really caught on to what I had been doing, but as my A1C's kept going up and my insulin kept increasing, my PC doctor started asking the "right" questions, which no one had done before. She ended up putting me in the hospital and that started the hospital stays, counseling, and constant doctor visits for my "eating disorder" and depression.
I'm fighting, but I don't seem to be winning. I'm so frustrated with myself and the fact that I still can't just take my insulin like I'm supposed to. It's almost like a high for me. When my sugars are high, I know I'm going to keep the weight off. When I start taking insulin again and start gaining weight, I stop taking or decrease my insulin. It's a vicious cycle for me. I haven't had the support from my parents, and my mom acts like diabetes doesn't exist and like nothing is wrong. I've lied about this for years and have felt horrible both mentally and physically. I'm tired of living like this because it is no way to live. I just wish I had some support because I feel like I am fighting for my life, but it's a losing battle.
On the plus side, I saw my endocrinologist today and she is letting me go back on my insulin pump. I'm going to keep fighting, and hopefully I will beat this.
I have friend requested you so we can chat privately.